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Explaining To My Ex

I had to come to grips with my co-dependency last night.  Since my separation and almost completed divorce my ex has wondered why I needed to move on.  Truth is over the last 13+ years I allowed myself to do a lot of things in our marriage (skip paying bills, run to cover problems at home, at the expense of  more than a few jobs, pick up the slack when she was unable/unwilling to do for herself and the children and neglect taking care of myself because she needed something to the point where I had exhausted myself).  It's easy to say "she she she" but in the end I allowed this to happen and I did it to appease.  Even months away from her, talking to her last night I felt that "Just make peace" part of me come out, which in reality would be the return to a place that I know is dysfunctional in a psychological way and unevenly yoked in a biblical way. 

Since I left, I have become healthy.  Over our marriage I gained about 200 lbs and had surgery to drop the weight.  Still I was stuck at 350 lbs because exercise was a constant battle. Since she did not exercise, anytime I did she accused me of cheating on her.  I doubt there is a huge market for 350 lb very fat black men.  So far I have lost that 90 lbs that were threatening to drop me with a stroke and while I have about 25 more to lose, I am turning into that guy I was before we got married .  Where my jobs never lasted more than a year, I am working on two years of what will likely be my job for the next 25 years.  I create again.  I my past I always enjoyed writing but that was blocked because to keep the peace I took care of her and that meant no or limited computer time and for a person who built his first computer four years before he even knew of this woman that was hard.  I am just starting to return to church again.  For years my faith was used against me.  And I feel that I shielded myself away from God in resentment because there was no way he would have wanted this kind of psychological abuse thrown on someone who follows him.  And over time I have connected with other women who I think can enhance my life as I enhance theirs.  And I can build an environment that my children can learn what a healthy man and woman relationship should look like

In short I have gained myself back by letting go of her and removing that influence.  As I see it,  some people can act as catalysts and she was one for me one that has disasterous results.  There is no way moving forward that I can ever allow a person like that into my life ever again

GoodMan67 GoodMan67 41-45, M 4 Responses Feb 19, 2010

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Goodman, I just mentally smacked myself on the forehead after reading a comment you left to someone about co-dependence and after reading this post, I have to admit I am a co-dependent. I am starting to hate my spouse because of it. He is bi-polar and his dis-ease takes larger bits of my life then I am comfortable giving.



But I love him and I think if I stop allowing him to do these things to me, he might see me for how I see myself...a respectable woman with a lot of love to give. Or how do I know when I have to walk away?



How do I start to break the cycle and give up that "just make peace" feeling when denying him brings temper tantrums and problems the likes of which I don't know if I can handle?



Sorry for all the questions, I'm new to the site and grasping...thank you

Thanks for sharing!!!! I hope and pray the best for you.

If you can locate a Coda or ALANON meetings in your area, I highly recommend attending 6 meetings. They have helped me very much to change my behaviors and to have new friends who struggle with the same battles I do. It's hard to do it alone- try some meetings and God Bless you.

Thanks for sharing!!!! I hope and pray the best for you.

If you can locate a Coda or ALANON meetings in your area, I highly recommend attending 6 meetings. They have helped me very much to change my behaviors and to have new friends who struggle with the same battles I do. It's hard to do it alone- try some meetings and God Bless you.

I find it amazing how we tend to lose ourselves once in a relationship.....too busy looking after others needs that we push ours to the bottom of the pile. I lost myself in my husband's needs and wants and schedules to the extent that I actually forgot who I was and what I wanted in life.



However, my circumstances where different then yours, he NEVER tried to pull me in down in any way ..........



Despite your experiences with your wife, it only works to shape your character, your soul, and make you a stronger man. It is wonderful that you are now able to focus on yourself and better your life, and congratulations on losing the wieght, that is a struggle in itself.



Best of luck!!