Explaining To My Ex
I had to come to grips with my co-dependency last night. Since my separation and almost completed divorce my ex has wondered why I needed to move on. Truth is over the last 13+ years I allowed myself to do a lot of things in our marriage (skip paying bills, run to cover problems at home, at the expense of more than a few jobs, pick up the slack when she was unable/unwilling to do for herself and the children and neglect taking care of myself because she needed something to the point where I had exhausted myself). It's easy to say "she she she" but in the end I allowed this to happen and I did it to appease. Even months away from her, talking to her last night I felt that "Just make peace" part of me come out, which in reality would be the return to a place that I know is dysfunctional in a psychological way and unevenly yoked in a biblical way.
Since I left, I have become healthy. Over our marriage I gained about 200 lbs and had surgery to drop the weight. Still I was stuck at 350 lbs because exercise was a constant battle. Since she did not exercise, anytime I did she accused me of cheating on her. I doubt there is a huge market for 350 lb very fat black men. So far I have lost that 90 lbs that were threatening to drop me with a stroke and while I have about 25 more to lose, I am turning into that guy I was before we got married . Where my jobs never lasted more than a year, I am working on two years of what will likely be my job for the next 25 years. I create again. I my past I always enjoyed writing but that was blocked because to keep the peace I took care of her and that meant no or limited computer time and for a person who built his first computer four years before he even knew of this woman that was hard. I am just starting to return to church again. For years my faith was used against me. And I feel that I shielded myself away from God in resentment because there was no way he would have wanted this kind of psychological abuse thrown on someone who follows him. And over time I have connected with other women who I think can enhance my life as I enhance theirs. And I can build an environment that my children can learn what a healthy man and woman relationship should look like
In short I have gained myself back by letting go of her and removing that influence. As I see it, some people can act as catalysts and she was one for me one that has disasterous results. There is no way moving forward that I can ever allow a person like that into my life ever again