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Explaining To My Ex

I had to come to grips with my co-dependency last night.  Since my separation and almost completed divorce my ex has wondered why I needed to move on.  Truth is over the last 13+ years I allowed myself to do a lot of things in our marriage (skip paying bills, run to cover problems at home, at the expense of  more than a few jobs, pick up the slack when she was unable/unwilling to do for herself and the children and neglect taking care of myself because she needed something to the point where I had exhausted myself).  It's easy to say "she she she" but in the end I allowed this to happen and I did it to appease.  Even months away from her, talking to her last night I felt that "Just make peace" part of me come out, which in reality would be the return to a place that I know is dysfunctional in a psychological way and unevenly yoked in a biblical way. 

Since I left, I have become healthy.  Over our marriage I gained about 200 lbs and had surgery to drop the weight.  Still I was stuck at 350 lbs because exercise was a constant battle. Since she did not exercise, anytime I did she accused me of cheating on her.  I doubt there is a huge market for 350 lb very fat black men.  So far I have lost that 90 lbs that were threatening to drop me with a stroke and while I have about 25 more to lose, I am turning into that guy I was before we got married .  Where my jobs never lasted more than a year, I am working on two years of what will likely be my job for the next 25 years.  I create again.  I my past I always enjoyed writing but that was blocked because to keep the peace I took care of her and that meant no or limited computer time and for a person who built his first computer four years before he even knew of this woman that was hard.  I am just starting to return to church again.  For years my faith was used against me.  And I feel that I shielded myself away from God in resentment because there was no way he would have wanted this kind of psychological abuse thrown on someone who follows him.  And over time I have connected with other women who I think can enhance my life as I enhance theirs.  And I can build an environment that my children can learn what a healthy man and woman relationship should look like

In short I have gained myself back by letting go of her and removing that influence.  As I see it,  some people can act as catalysts and she was one for me one that has disasterous results.  There is no way moving forward that I can ever allow a person like that into my life ever again

GoodMan67 GoodMan67 41-45, M 4 Responses Feb 19, 2010

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Goodman, I just mentally smacked myself on the forehead after reading a comment you left to someone about co-dependence and after reading this post, I have to admit I am a co-dependent. I am starting to hate my spouse because of it. He is bi-polar and his dis-ease takes larger bits of my life then I am comfortable giving. <br />
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But I love him and I think if I stop allowing him to do these things to me, he might see me for how I see myself...a respectable woman with a lot of love to give. Or how do I know when I have to walk away?<br />
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How do I start to break the cycle and give up that "just make peace" feeling when denying him brings temper tantrums and problems the likes of which I don't know if I can handle?<br />
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Sorry for all the questions, I'm new to the site and grasping...thank you

Thanks for sharing!!!! I hope and pray the best for you.<br />
If you can locate a Coda or ALANON meetings in your area, I highly recommend attending 6 meetings. They have helped me very much to change my behaviors and to have new friends who struggle with the same battles I do. It's hard to do it alone- try some meetings and God Bless you.

Thanks for sharing!!!! I hope and pray the best for you.<br />
If you can locate a Coda or ALANON meetings in your area, I highly recommend attending 6 meetings. They have helped me very much to change my behaviors and to have new friends who struggle with the same battles I do. It's hard to do it alone- try some meetings and God Bless you.

I find it amazing how we tend to lose ourselves once in a relationship.....too busy looking after others needs that we push ours to the bottom of the pile. I lost myself in my husband's needs and wants and schedules to the extent that I actually forgot who I was and what I wanted in life. <br />
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However, my circumstances where different then yours, he NEVER tried to pull me in down in any way .......... <br />
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Despite your experiences with your wife, it only works to shape your character, your soul, and make you a stronger man. It is wonderful that you are now able to focus on yourself and better your life, and congratulations on losing the wieght, that is a struggle in itself.<br />
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Best of luck!!