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My Dance With Meth

when people asked me why i smoked ice, i'd just shrug and say "i enjoy being high."
while the statement was true enough--i enjoy the euphoria, the energy rush, the on-top-of-the-world feeling--a more accurate statement would be "i wish i could be the person i become when i'm high."
i always felt bright, witty, gorgeous, perfect. i always had the perfect comment ready to slip off my tongue. i was outgoing, a rebel, the girl who preferred to use her sharp wit, her dazzling intellect to get noticed when the other girls were using their bodies. while i have the same thoughts when sober, i've always been too shy to let myself shine.
i enjoyed being that girl. but she would only last as long as the ice did, and then it was back to being just me again. shy, plain, wallflower me. but what i always felt to be the real me was just another high away. that's probably the real reason i did it. to feel comfortable in my own skin. not just for the sake of being high.

everybody always told me that after you do ice for the first time, you're just constantly trying to recapture your first high--that no subsequent high will ever truly compare to the first time your eyes were opened to this new drug. truthfully, though, i hardly remember my first time. every time i've taken the glass between my lips, watching the smoke's mesmerizing dance within the twirling glass bowl has blended into the next time... and the time after that... and so on, and so forth.
the only thing i really remember from that first time was being shocked at how it felt. at that point, the only other drug i'd ever done had been weed, and my knowledge of any other drug was absolutely pitiful--i actually had no idea there was such a thing as uppers vs. downers. i just figured they all made you feel more or less the same. when i felt my heart speed up, my eyes grow wider, my inhibitions slip from me; when i became the girl i was in my head, i guess you could say it was love at first inhale. but there's still been no chasing after that first-time feeling for me. instead, it was a love in which every time my lips met the pipe, i would discover yet another layer, another facet to keep me intrigued, keep me chasing those magic crystals.

ice revealed her ugliest side to me early on in our little dance, and i lost almost everything most precious to me in just a few short months. i was pulled back to safety by just the skin of my teeth. i survived, and stayed away from her siren call long enough to make amends to those i'd hurt in that brief flirtation, to regain just a fraction of what i had lost. but always she stood there, just out of my grasp, beckoning, tantalizing, enticing...
it didn't take long for me to convince myself that this time i knew what dangers to look out for. i fancied myself strong, wise, and savvy. looking back on myself now, however, i can see i was still a stupid, naive kid. but i dove right in, without a second thought.

during our second dance, this lover, this enemy of mine began working against me yet again. however, i had learned a tiny thing or two, and managed to sidestep her destruction many times. this time, we managed to maintain our love/hate relationship for just a little over a year. but always, she breaks me in the end, always running the paths that will lead to my destruction. it's only a question of when i decide i've had enough that i find the strength to open my eyes long enough to see where she's taken me. the first time, she claimed what i thought was everything i had to give. the second time, she demanded more, and very nearly claimed my life.

i opened my eyes to find myself in one of the darkest holes i've been in. as i tried to climb out, she would shine like roman candles through the darkness. several times, she caused me to lose my grip, to fall back to where i'd started from. but something tells me to keep going, to keep trying. somehow i know if i let her win again, i will not escape this time.
but i do have hope. i can see the sunlight, and it's growing brighter by the second. i can still see her though, and she's still a beautiful, bright, dazzling thing, but something within me is tired of using the chemicals to be who i should be. i'm headed for the sunlight, where her sparkling lights will not blind me anymore, and i can see who i've missed becoming.

it's time to lay the dream aside, for i can see daylight, and life is flying by so quickly.
sparrowgirl sparrowgirl 18-21, F Jun 5, 2012

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