Haunted By The Past

Hi everyone,

I am a 27 year old woman who was addicted to meth and Adderall for 8 years of my life. During that time, when I couldn't find speed, I also did almost any other drug that I could find, and I would binge drink several nights out of the week.

I've now been sober for a year, and during that time, I have managed to get and maintain a job, sign a lease on an apartment in a nice area, write my first novel, and make several new lovely, classy friends.

However, I live every day haunted by the horrible past that I have. Terrified of the years of my life that will seem unaccounted for if ever anyone should take a deep enough interest in me to inquire about them. Terrified that all the horrible things I've done and said will somehow come back to bite me and make my world come crashing down.

During the years of my addiction, I was in and out of homeless shelters, sleeping on random peoples' couches, and doing and saying things so insane that I get panic attacks on a daily basis just from remembering them. I have scars all over my body, and I have no idea how they got there. And since I was always belligerent when I was high and drunk, I wasn't exactly discreet about my antics. I wanted to make myself known, because that's how the drugs made me feel--self righteous, ingenious, and worthy of anything and everything. I never laid low; rather, I broadcasted myself and my crazed thoughts to anyone and everyone. I sent emails and text messages, left voicemails, gave speeches in crowded rooms full of people, and even told random front-desk clerks at motels about my whacked-out conspiracy theories.

I've been thrown out of a motel for "scaring the other guests by showing them 'weird, disturbing images' and hugging inanimate objects". I've walked out on several jobs on the second or third day after getting into screaming matches with coworkers. I've been taken to the emergency room by strangers after I unknowingly wandered into their house. I've been pulled out of a totaled car with absolutely no idea how I got there. I've been in abusive, drug-dependent relationships and been sexually assaulted. I've passed out in chairs in my college student lounge, had so many public nervous breakdowns and screaming fits that I can't even count them, and betrayed some of the only people who ever really cared about me. I let bad people into my life because of the lifestyle I led, and told them things that I doubt they would have kept to themselves.

Because of the long amount of time that I spent doped out of my mind and the vast number of people I hurt and broadcasted myself to, I live in a constant state of fear that it's only a matter of time before someone in my old life crosses paths with someone in my wonderful new, sober life and ends everything I've built for myself in the blink of an eye. This fear has caused me to withdraw from public as much as I possibly can. For the longest time, I did not even have a Facebook (I deleted my old account) and now I do have one, but it is set to the most private possible settings, and people cannot even look me up.

When I think about the possibility of getting my writing published, one of the first things that comes to mind is not "I wish I could make it big" but "If I do make it big, will I be able to hide my real name, lest people start coming out of the woodwork?".

Maybe I just need to forgive myself, but sometimes I wonder if, after everything I've done, I'm even worth forgiving. And I wonder if the friends I've made since my sobriety would ever forgive me if they knew the truth. And sometimes--probably since I was high every day for so long--I can't help but question all the things I said, thought, and did during that long stretch of my life that now seem so disturbed and appalling to me. I can't help but wonder with the utmost horror who I really am deep down inside and where that sort of behavior even came from.

(I never physically harmed anyone, just so you know. Did pretty much everything but that, though.)
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

Hey JustJackie , thank you for sharing.I could identify with that, I went like a cyclone , destroying everything in my way, everything I touched was bruised or burnt , I was like a hot burning piece of coal.Scorched anyone who touched me.(And this went on for 10+ yrs in my 30 yr addiction life, before I cleaned up)
But above all I was harming, hurting , destroying MYSELF.So first of all, I needed to apply recovery to my life, my warped mind, my self-destructing way of life.
and of course I had remorse n fear about the chaos I had done, the people I have cheated,hurt or shocked.I was also paranoid about people n circumstances when I became drug-free.Had huge resentment issues about my wife,parents and close relatives.
With all these I arrived in a place called Narcotics Anonymous.And then there was wonderful changes.People took me to their heart n told me how they have walked the same path and now live happy, joyous n free.I could have that life if I wanted to.
But believe me when the healing process started it was much better than what was promised.People started forgiving me as I started forgiving myself.Slowly I started accepting my past( See the past HAS HAPPENED , no amount of remorse in me can bring it back n correct it , it HAS to be accepted.I CAN ONLY CHANGE MY PRESENT DAY N THE FUTURE)

So please don't live in the worries , start reconstructing your life n lifetyle , your ways of happiness n facing life.Rest will fall in place.
Please try out Narcotic Anonymous ( google it go to the website www(dot)na(dot)org , call up the local toll-free helpline and land up in a meeting) after all, what is the harm ? These are all people like you n me, they have done all these insane things , they UNDERSTAND, they don't judge or sermonize.
Wish you all success in recovery n a great clean(sober) life.
Please reply
Love n Hugs