Ashamed

I am 26 years old. I've been smoking weed since high school. I also tried other drugs but I was never addicted per se. I could always stop. Easily. I did my schoolwork on drugs. I even took a final plastered and got an A. When I came back home I got a hit of crack. I had cocaine before and figured it's the same. Nothing I can't handle. Wrong. I've become someone else. I go to work and spend up money intended for other things. My dad was addicted to crack for most of my life. I deny that I am. My mom knows but holds my secret. I burden her with my bullshit. I have five classes left to graduate. I have a good gpa a 3. something which is good. I'ma afraid to finish I dont know why. I always do well until the end then I run away from the goal. Like I'm not good enough. My classmates, teachers they all love me. See so much potential. They wonder where I am. I wonder where the hell I am. I have a great job that gives me money I shouldnt be behind on the rent. But I am. My mom suffers for it. I'm going for help tmrw. I called someone. I need the help. I'm afaid of being judged. I miss me the old me who isn't paranoid and walking in the street smoking instead of going home. Because I know my mother will know. I've become a liar. Like I'm a bystander as these lies pour out my mouth. I don't want to be this person. I want to be me again. All my friends look up to me. They come to me for advice and I always give it freely and somhow things are better for them. Why can't I do that for me. None of them know. Only my best friend. And I only told her I use cocaine. I didn't say crack because I thought she'd abandon me. I have to go tmrw. Please let this be the right decision. The center is near where I work. I work in people's houses. I've never gone to work high. It's the only time I'm sober. But right after I prowl. I'm afraid a neighbor or friend will see me going in and somehow it'll affect my job. I'm praying it doesn't because I need the help. Thanks for listening. I know it's a pretty crappy story as of now. But it has to get better.
Hksj Hksj
26-30
Jan 11, 2013