My Deconversion: A Journey From Mormonism To Atheism

The following events are recounts of the most significant events that caused my de-conversion. Of course this all happened within the space of a few years, so perhaps my memory is incorrect in certain aspects, but I will recall it as accurately as I can (with the emotions I was feeling at the time of the incident(s)).

Let's begin:

* * * * *

I'm sitting in seminary class, listening to the teacher convey the message of the gospel. I'm trying to pay attention, when we start talking about the unforgivable sin. If you commit this sin, there is no hope, no coming back. "If you deny the holy ghost in any way, you have committed the unpardonable sin. You will then be cast into outer darkness" the teacher says with more then a little conviction. The blood drains from my face. In any way catches my ears. I have denied the holy ghost, and it doesn't matter if it was accidental. I am a son of perdition. There is absolutely no way I will ever be saved in any degree of the 3 heavens of mormonism. While murderers are in heaven I will be in eternal torment and darkness.

* * * * *

Many years later I moved away from home (after completing high school). I occasionally go to church, but there is a nagging in my brain, something I can't articulate completely, something that is there but just at the edge of my awareness. It's like a jigsaw puzzle, but instead of the pieces matching up to create a beautiful picture, the pieces are distorted and rarely fit correctly. There must be something wrong with me, in that all my friends say they do not have this problem. Every time I go to church it's the same, something doesn't feel quite right.

* * * * *

I am sitting outside the church, kneeling in the grass. It's a sunny and warm spring day. I have my pocket knife sitting on my leg, the blade out. I am staring at the blade, wondering just where to insert it into my flesh so that I can end this mortal existence. I am already condemned to hell, so what's the point in continuing trying to atone for that sin in this life, when I will be atoning for it in the eternities? I wonder how my family will react, and in my mind I silently say goodbye to them. Perhaps if I puncture the artery in my neck the pain will be over most quickly. Or the wrists, as I hear so often about. I take the knife in my hand, but I cannot find the courage to cut my own flesh.

* * * * *

A year later, after therapy, I no longer feel worthless. I've not forgotten about my condemnation, but I now have serious doubts. I doubt the religion my parents always told me was truth. Maybe my feeling worthless was getting in the way. I cannot sleep, so I decide to try to pray. In the scriptures the prophets are frequently talking with god in the mountains. There are no mountains nearby, so I decide to walk to the trail that goes into the canyon. It's late, maybe 2 or 3 am, so I am not afraid of running into anyone. I walk up the canyon to where the first bench is located, and kneel down on the concrete next to it. I pour out my soul and my hear, and ask if the Book of Mormon is a true book. I don't need to see an angel, just to have a confirmation of the truth. I sit patiently and wait, knowing sometimes you have to wait to hear the spirit. It feels like an eternity passes, and I still feel nothing. There is nothing but silence, no confirmation. Disappointed I walk home.

* * * * *

A year or two later I've been online reading in some forums. I hear about the evidence that suggests the Book of Mormon is mostly likely a hoax, but I want to examine some of the evidence myself. I look up a video on DNA evidence against the book. In the video a handful of mormon scientists admit that it's a major problem, there is no DNA evidence for the book, and all of it is against it. I hear about archeological evidence against it, problems with the bible and Isaiah that is quoted in it, anachronisms. I come to the only conclusion that makes sense to me, the Book of Mormon, and therefore Mormonism, is a hoax.

* * * * *

Learning about logic and logical fallacies at the university, I start to look at whether I believe in god. One logical fallacy stands out in my studies, the appeal to emotion. Example: I feel good about unicorns existing, therefore they exist. I have a pit in my stomach after learning this, as it is the main way to learn "truth" in mormonism. I have now learned about abiogenesis, evolution, geology, and some cosmological theories as to how the universe began. I begin to realize, everything I see in the universe can be explained through natural events, and throwing god into the mix only makes things more complicated. I have now realized, I don't believe god exists. God, to me, is dead. To my surprise I am not sad, I feel peace and a great sense of relief. Finally my believes correspond to my experience of reality. I have achieved congruence in my life, and everything makes sense.

* * * * *

I realize these are not very explicit events. I have tried to capture the main essence of my journey, and leave out certain details, as there are some people in my life I have not found the courage to tell (quite yet) that I am atheist. There was more that has gone on, and many more experiences, this process for me took around 7 years. But to the best of my knowledge (and recall), those separate experiences had the biggest impact. I am now living a very guilt free life (not immoral life, but guilt free), and it is great. I still have some de-programming to do, since I grew up in mormonism, but I feel I have made great progress in the right direction.
BlueSpirit86 BlueSpirit86
22-25, M
5 Responses Sep 15, 2012

Corrupt, man-made religion is the most cruel thing in the world. They certainly got to you, but there is hope. The bible is still true and I can explain the denying the holy ghost junk, so let's get to the heart of the matter.

Sorry I don't have enough space to address all that needs addressing.

First off, all 4 gospels are the completion of the old testament and are written directly to the Israelites, NOT TO US, but for our learning. Man-made religion wrongly inserted the beginning page of the new testament between Malachi & Matthew when it really belongs between the book of Acts and Romans [see for all the fantastic details!]

With that background, let's examine the verse whose egregious misunderstanding has cause so much grief.

Matthew 12
31 Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.

Since the gospels are written to Israel, and not to christians today, the "you" is not us. If you read the context, Jesus is addressing a very specific group of pharisees in his day & time.

Matthew 12
1 At that time Jesus went on the sabbath day through the corn; and his disciples were an hungred, and began to pluck the ears of corn and to eat.
2 But when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto him, Behold, thy disciples do that which is not lawful to do upon the sabbath day.

In verse 9, jesus is still dealing with the exact same group of Pharisees.

9 And when he was departed thence, he went into their synagogue:

Jesus had just healed a man with a withered hand, yet the Pharisees wanted to murder him for it.

14 Then the Pharisees went out, and held a council against him, how they might destroy him.

There is something seriously wrong with these Pharisees because they wanted to murder & destroy Jesus just because he healed somebody on the Sabbath day. This is our first clue about who they really are & why God could not forgive their sin.

24 But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils.

Jesus is still dealing with these evil Pharisees.

31 Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.

32 And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.

33 Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit.

34 O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

Verse 31 is the one verse corrupt preachers use to condemn people to eternal unforgiveness if they make a mistake or two, but this verse is in reference to these particular Pharisees, and NOT to anybody else.

The reason God could not forgive these particular Pharisees is because they had already sold out to the devil. They had the devil's spiritual seed in them and all seed, whether plant, animal, or spiritual, cannot be changed. It is permanent. [An apple tree will be an apple tree for the rest of its life because of seed. A dog will remain a dog the rest of its life because of seed. You will remain your parents biological child, regardless of what you think, say or do because seed is permanent. Same thing is true spiritually].

They are condemned to hell not because of what they said or did, but because of who they were - verse 34 says they were a "generation of vipers". Generation means offspring. Vipers refers to poisonous snakes, but not physical ones, but spiritual. This particular group of Pharisees were spiritual offspring of THE spiritual "snake", who is the devil.

Acts 13
8 But Elymas the sorcerer (for so is his name by interpretation) withstood them, seeking to turn away the deputy from the faith.
9 Then Saul, (who also is called Paul,) filled with the Holy Ghost, set his eyes on him.
10 And said, O full of all subtilty and all mischief, thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all righteousness, wilt thou not cease to pervert the right ways of the Lord?

Other religious people in the bible were children of the devil too, as Acts 13 illustrates.

I John 5
16 If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death, he shall ask, and he shall give him life for them that sin not unto death. There is a sin unto death: I do not say that he shall pray for it.

This verse is talking about this sin of selling your soul to the devil to the point that you actually become the seed of the devil, which cannot be changed.

You are not one of these people! So don't let anybody tell you that you are condemned to eternal damnation.

I Peter 1
23 Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever.

As a christian, I am born again of God's spiritual seed, which is Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Since its incorruptible seed, then it can't be lost, stolen, decay or die. Its permanent.

Since incorruptible seed from God is available to anybody who wants it, then corruptible seed from the devil has to be available too, since God gives everybody free will to chose as they wish.

Romans 10
9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

My heart goes out to you for what you have suffered in believing you were condemned for what you understood to be denying the Holy ghost. It is so unfortunate that this Seminary teacher made such a blanket statement with something that is often so seriously misunderstood. I promise you are not alone in thinking you are guilty of this "sin", but I want to assure you- even without knowing everything about your life, that you are not guilty of denying the Holy ghost. The only account in all of history we have of anyone actually "denying" the holy ghost is Judas, who was a companion and disciple of Christ. He was one of Jesus' friends. He had spent time with him, traveled with him, had long conversations with him and most importantly, he'd witnessed the miracles Jesus performed which such love and had felt the undeniable witness of the holy ghost bear testimony of the living Christ with such force it would have felt like his heart had been lit by fire and his body consumed with peace. Yet, he wasted no time in saving his own bacon from the fryer when armed men came looking for Jesus. He pointing a condemning finger at his friend, The Savior of the world, Jesus, and gave him up to them just like that, because he was afraid of what would happen to himself. This is the kind of certainty and testimony one would have to have in order to be an actual son of perdition. Believe me, history is full of men who have done much worse than what you believe you are guilty of who are still not categorized as sons of perdition. It is very important to remember when studying scripture, to carefully examined the words. Every word ever spoken has a meaning- a definition that is all too often misunderstood. Looking words up in the dictionary and finding where the word originated is critical in understanding the real meaning of the scripture. We are expected to do that work on our own. this is where "seek and ye shall find" comes into focus. If you really want a Testimony, you have to work for it. If it was easy to come by, this life would cease to have value. We love what we are willing to serve- or in other words "earn". I hope this brings you some relief and gives you peace of mind. You are not condemned, not even now.

Always someone coming to the defence, a blind pawn sent to defend ideas that have no place in this world. Believe what you will, let others do as they wish. We have a story to tell, to share and there are people out there who want, who need to hear what it is we have to say.

As do we.

You speak of it as though Mormonism is a disease or an addiction, when it sounds to me like you were never really a true Mormon to begin with. What you did was make the mistake of listening to people, even in the church, and (from what I understand in your post) you never bothered to ask for yourself of God, which is in essence what made this faith what it is today. I can tell you that as a Mormon I've seen a lot of bad in the church— not because of the Church, not because of the gospel, and most certainly not because of God (who lives, might I add). It is because those who preach the gospel and those who govern the church are human. We must work out our own salvation. And I can tell you that coming from a very broken family (my parents divorced over these nitty gritty details of church doctrine), and having attempted suicide multiple times, AND suffering from physical ailments and mental illnesses, no one should be more dead than me, and yet in my Patriarchal Blessing I am promised health and strength to accomplish what I want in life and to be a teacher— which I take to be both of matters spiritual as well as earthly. And by jove that's what I will do.

First of all I would like to point out that you are using one of the oldest logical fallacies in the book. The "No True Scotsman". You simply assumed I was never a true mormon because a true mormon would never have fallen away. You are wrong. I was, at one point, more mormon than most everyone I have ever met. This post is not my logical argument for leaving, but simply how I felt through the process.

By the way, mormonism is a disease (as are all organized religions). There are many blatant thought-control devices designed into it at almost every level, from the doctrine to the way it is taught, to the way that it is designed to steal all of your available time, and how it tries to control what you read and what you don't even consider. It is time that you looked closely at all the evidence at hand, there are so many places to start.

We could talk about the 6 different versions of the first vision (from Joseph's own mouth), all of which are contradictory. Or we could talk about his 30+ wives (many of whom were already married, and a few that were under age, as young as 14). We could talk about the Book of Abraham, which has been proven to have been translated incorrectly by Joseph, or the Kinderhook Plates which Joseph failed to recognize as a hoax (when any true seer would have seen that it was almost immediately). We could talk about the anachronisms in the Book of Mormon, the DNA evidence that disputes that any Native Americans came from Jewish decent. Over and over and over the evidence points towards Joseph being a con-man (and *********), yet mormons choose to turn a blind eye and live through hell (I did for the longest time). Please take a look at the evidence, really look at what is out there (and remember a source that is self-referential is absolutely not to be trusted) and you will see how any "true mormon" (as I was) can turn their back on morminism never to return.

Again, you cannot claim I was never a true mormon simply because I value the truth more than the lies the mormon church and presidents have force-fed their followers from the time they are born. Please look at the evidence, and wake up to the truth.

Thank you for sharing. Maybe this will help others see how the church uses and tricks people through fear and making them feel to be less than they actually are.