Alchoholic Husband Blues

We've been married now for 1 year 5 months and the alcoholic behavior has progressed. After waiting 9 years for him to propose and marry me, I feel tricked and cheated:/.  The outright disrespect, name calling, mental,and previous physical abuse has come to a head.  I feel like I don't even know this man anymore.  The excuse of being unemployed and feeling less than a  man because of the inability to provide for his family has grown so old.  By the way I suffer from severe rheumatoid arthritis, type 2 diabetes, and has been diagnosed Bi- polar, mind you, when I first met my husband 9 years ago I only suffered from arthritis, now my health has gone downhill ever since.  I believed that love would get us through what I thought was a rough start but now I feel that he drinks just to feel like he can control me due to the evil things he says and names he calls me.  I refuse to believe that he still forgets his actions afterwards but it gets worse with every episode.  Help!!!!  Will AA actually help me? I am ready to walk out on this marriage, but we have 2 beautiful children. He refuses marriage counseling and the stress of his drinking is killing me slowly.  Is there anyone out there who can relate?  Any advise? What can I do to save this marriage?  I do believe God can fix anything!!!!!!! ? But my faith is slowly fading away:(.

ladynisi ladynisi
36-40, F
18 Responses Feb 15, 2010

I would be careful with medications as everything effects your body up or down (the ECS).. But there is options that will get him off Alcohol.. Many doctors are not aware of the Endocannabinoid System (ECS)... but Cannabis has been shown to be a great help in alcoholism. Cannabis is much healthier on the system because our body makes and needs cannabinoids which are found in the plant. A deficiency in cannabinoids has been found in suicide victims and it is well documented that alcohol lowers your cannabinoid levels... (that's why its a depressant)

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24622769

Clinical Endocannabinoid Deficiency
www.researchecs.com/CECD2.pdf

More research available at researchECS.com

I can. Keep praying & get help wherever you can find it. YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM. Work on letting God make. YOU healthy. Meanwhile love your husband. Walk away when he is being abusive.

Prayers for you.

Yes alcoholism is a selfish disease. Definitely go to Al-anon. It will help you, your husband and children. Call the local line or look it up on your computer. I was never so happy as when I was going to meetings. Go girl!

No one should be treated that way in any relationship. If you hide away being sad and lonely in a corner it'll lead you nowhere. I know, because I've done the same thing over and over again.

It's hard to step up and demand to be respected. It's hard to learn how to use your own voice and be heard. It's hard to realise when there are no other options than to leave the past behind.

But it's all there inside of you. No one else can do this decision for you. He's never going to change and stop drinking. Why would he? He has no reason to stop. So accept his ways or change the situation.

You need a clear head. Can you get away for a few weeks with the kids? Go to a holiday alone with them and take a break from your abusive relationship. Maybe it'll clear your mind and you see what you need to do. Believe that there is love for you in this life but maybe just not in this relationship.

Why would you think he would change because you got married? For that matter, why would you think you would change? He abused you before and he'll continue as ling as you allow it or worse encourage him to. Drunkenness and alcoholism is is an addiction. AA has had great success with alcoholism and with the alcoholic's partners. You seem to have additional problems. I suspect you have been abused by others before your marriage or even your relationship. I would highly recommend that you seek professional help independent of your husband. You obviously have a doctor as you have a diagnosis. If he is refusing marriage counceling than he is not committed to the partnership and from your words you may not be either. You seem to be searching for a leaning post or crutch rather than a partnership.

I have a theory that seems to be being proved right. We don't change through life other than to become more like what we already are.

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You thought he'd change if you just loved him enough? If you loved him better? This sounds like one part alcoholic trap, one part foolish heart. You make a point to say that your health has gotten worse with time, but the way you say it, you say it like you don't think your health has gotten worse just because of passing time but because of HIM. This might not be easy to hear, but I have no intention of sugar-coating my input. I don't aim to be hurtful either. I don't want you to see yourself as a victim. Victims have zero power. Own up to YOUR choices, and take your power back.

So you've chosen to spend 10 years and 5 months with someone who is disrespectful, calls you names, is mentally abusive, physically abusive, and has a history of being abusive. You also chose to have two children with this person, and to marry them. These are your mistakes, and your choices.

Your next choice is to decide "Is my safety and well-being and my children's safety worth risking while I wait for a miracle?"

You can't fix him, but you can work on you. You should work on you. That would help your life, and show a good example to your children.

If you believe that God is all powerful, then I suppose He is powerful enough to bring you two back together once your many, many issues are dealt with. In the meantime, you don't have to stay in a bad place if you don't want to. You have all the choices available to you that you allow yourself to have.

I used faith as well to sustain me until I was ready to do the right thing which is to vacate as soon as possible this extremely dangerous situation. Make no mistake about it - the damage both physical and emotional escalates over time. Although the relationship feels familiar to you, you and your children are in danger from this person. You need a Domestic Abuse Support Group and if possible a Therapist to help you get the strength to do the right thing. This is not something to dally around with trust me. You're in danger . . . now . . . and so are your children.

Don't lose your faith in your time of sufferings,. My mom is similar to you dear; married 19 years to the mental abuse with a pinch of physical. Mostly emotional destruction, I wish you all the best and when you're ready you will do what you feel is best. I'd like to believe your children are your top priority and all that you love so very deeply, and you mentioned "the man" didn't have a job: so you're clearly supporting the children and yourself. I wish you the best of luck darling find your strength and relish in it. For you and your children only deserve the best .

Change can only happen when both of you are willing to do whatever is necessary to make your relationship work. Based on the information you have provided, it appears that your husband doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions, and, if this is the case, getting him to attend AA meetings or family counseling will be hard, if not impossible. I assume that you have already sat down and spoken with him about this situation, but, if not, that needs to be the first step. If he cannot or will not acknowledge his behavior toward you, and has given up actively looking for a job, then it is time for you to make some hard decisions. Alcoholism aside, from what you write, he seems to be wallowing in self pity and blames you for his misfortune. That will not change unless something happens to cause change.If you cannot get counseling as a couple because he refuses to go, then get counseling for yourself. You need to ask yourself some tough questions; do you want to spend the rest of your life being emotionally abused by a man who seems to be incapable of being a responsible, mature, sober adult?While the thought of taking your kids and leaving him may be depressing, compare that with the toxic environment you, and they are dealing with at home with a man who, in addition to being possibly alcoholic, doesn't seem to have grown up, and no amount of "faith" will change that. In addition, your children need to be away from such a toxic and negative environment.You don't mention if you have any support group (family, friends, etc) that can assist you, but I would strongly advise you to seek out any and all help and assistance. You may also contact AA for any assistance they may be able to provide indirectly to you.It is possible that your moving out will shake him out of his self pity and apathy, but regardless, it is mainly for you and your kids that you will do it, and if it helps him to realize how far he has fallen, then so much the better. Do not expect God to fix anything. Use this experience as a learning opportunity to make the changes for the better that are necessary for you to move on. If your husband is unwilling or incapable of making the changes, then it is up to you to be the responsible party and find the courage to start a new life without him.One of the tenets of my own life is based on something I read a long time ago. "You can only be as badly treated as you allow yourself to be." All else stems from this.Rather than looking at the last ten years as a "bad investment," look at it as the source of your beautiful kids, and then plan on how to make it better. It won't be easy, but it will mean the difference between living in misery in an abusive alcoholic relationship and giving you and your kids a second chance at happiness.

RUN, FAST AND FAR AWAY!! I have a drunk husband too, 21+ years and 3 children. My daughters are grown (20 and 18) now but I have a 3 yr old and I feel stuck.....Get out while you still have some of you left. If he is going to change it will not be because YOU want him to. You and any child will not be worth quitting if he isn't ready to quit, he is not worth your life!!

He is no good as a father or husband the way he is. If you want this tonchange, you are going to need to change what you are doing to enabling him to continue drinking and abusing you and you children. Words do hurt you and your children both. If you continue in this relationship the way it is now, you may be tell yor children that he is right in what he says and that no matter what you say, you think it also because you continue to put up with his inappropriate behavior. Stop it. Teach your children your children that it is not ok. This issue is not what you have done in the past, the issue is what you do now. I recomend that you talk to a counselor, parson and especially a lawyer I really believe that you can function better, take care of yourself and be there for yor children better. I been diagnosed with bipolar and been through a rough divorce and I have done better during the process, do counseling and learn to take care of you fi.rst so you can be thier. I know it is difficult to change, but it is worth it.

So you can be there for you children. I hope this helps. Remeber, if we keep doing the same things and expecting different results, we will continue to be disappointed. Good luck to you and your shildren and God bless you all.
cs

I'm amazed you put up with this man for 9 years and THEN married him! He is abusing you and you know it. You really want this guy to be the role model your kids grow up with? Think about it. Takethe kids and get out. THEN you can see if he is serious and going to turn himself around. But first you have to remove yourself and your children from an abusive and dangerous home. (The fact that you said this has gotten worse scares me, worse things will come than name -calling. get out now!!)

the only way he will change is never to drink and after 9 years you should know that is not happen any time soon if he wants you and the kids he will stop but you need to leve for your kids sake and yours as things will get worse all the best

Hi Ladynisi,

I feel your pain having been married to an alcoholic for way too long. It's a tough road and your choices are limited. As mentioned, the home life you describe is damaging to both you and your children. It's also damaging to him, though it appears he can't see it.

One responder mentioned that you can change him; however, I can't endorse that course of action. In my experience, we can only change ourselves. Your love for him is certainly a positive thing in his life.What I wish I'd done differently in my marriage was lay it on the line years earlier. "You change, or I leave." If that isn't a wake-up call then I don't know what works. Of course, you have to be willing to leave if you say it.I wish you the best.

K

Wow...Your marriage sounded like mine when I first got married. It took at LEAST 5 years of Hell for his doctor to figure out he should put him on Xanax and Lexapro. He also stopped drinking, teaches Marital Arts, and is my soul mate now. He will occasionally drink 2 beers, but he knows it's not good for him because his liver enzymes keep coming back elevated...Looks like your hubby needs a wake up call...has he been for a complete physical/blood count? If not he should go. Or perhaps you can get together with his/your family, friends, doctor, etc, and hold an intervention. Sure, I would give AA a go....Of COURSE he refuses marriage counseling as did my husband because "He has no problems, and he is perfect" that is why they Refuse marriage counseling. He needs to see the doctor...even if you have to call him yourself and explain the situation...My husband used to drink a gallon of wine, himself. Then I was the one who had to pick him off the floor (Of course I couldn't) then one day he couldn't even walk straight, and hit is head on the night stand, he could have busted his head open the idiot...trust me, they do and say STUPID things when they are drunk. Try getting advice from AA and see what they suggest. Good Luck by the way....I know how you feel.

i can relate! LEAVE HIM…it's better for the kids too!!! I lived with a guy for 14 yrs and like you ..i thought it's going to be better..he went through rehab …twice!!!! and 60k spent on his DUI...

hi always think positively!<br />
certainly you are experiencing pain!<br />
but only you can change him: your persistance and love can certainly bring about great change in his life! understand why he has become like this and be with him!<br />
dont give up!!!!!!<br />
god is the ultimate source and trust him!<br />
may be he is having some unresolved problem or disturbed by sth else!<br />
try to figure out!

AlAnon is for family members of alcoholics. You are not alone. Please check it out.