Scared and Lost!

If you saw me walking down the street, you would never know. You'd see the smart, confident and (hopefully) pretty young woman, walking with her head held high and strutting in her fabulous high heels! I've got a good degree, spent time abroad and most importantly I look like I know what I'm doing and I've got it all under control.

It's all an illusion. It's exactly what I want you to see. Inside I'm petrified! I'm a frightened little girl, pigtails and all. For the first time in my life I don't know what is going to happen to me this next year, not a clue. I don't even know what direction to look in, never mind in which one I'm heading. I'm so scared. And as if I wasn't torturing myself enough, I've got outside pressure from all sides to figure out what it is that I'm going to do with the rest of my life!

What I wouldn't do for someone to just give me a clue! Just a hint! Please!!

It's not like I'm torn or have too many options, I'm just utterly clueless. I've always known exactly what the future held. At the end of school I knew I had two years of college to go through; at the end of college there was three years at uni; after university there was my internship in what? I don't have any plans, no goals to work towards, not even any ideas of goals, and it is so demotivating. I feel myself getting used to being a bum and sitting at home in my PJs all day long. That is my current lifestyle choice and I don't really see any appealing alternatives. The only thing I'm certain of is what I don't want.

I don't want to be stuck in a boring *** nine to five job, living for the weekend in this dead beat small town, wasting away the rest of my existence. I don't want to be the girl who wasted all that potential that she was born with and just did what everyone else in this Hell hole of a town did. I don't want to be like my brothers, who are both stuck in a job they hate and praying for the end of each and every day just so they can go down the pub. It's just not the life I want, but what scares me the most is the fact that I can feel myself slowly falling into that rut and before I know it I'm, going to to be trapped in it forever. I really really wish I could be happy living that life, everything would be so much simpler. My entire life would be mapped out right in front of me, no need to be scared of the future. The safe choice...but I would be miserable. I'm running screaming from that life, it won't suck me in without a fight!

But that still leaves me here, scared, alone and confused. I feel like I need a guardian angel to point me in the right direction because as confident and self assured as I may appear, underneath it all I am quaking in my high heeled boots!

sezziy sezziy
22-25, F
4 Responses May 11, 2009

You sound like a girl who needs a mentor, perhaps even a "daddy" (or perhaps "mommy") to guide and support you.

So many people with agree with this. Why do people settle for such lives? Its ok for a time i guess but why would you want your whole life to consist of just that.<br />
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I beleive there is nothing more rewarding/fufilling/satisfying then helping other people. volunteer or get a job that means you can make a difference. It won't be a 9-5 job, people dont only need help from 9 am to 5pm they need it always and continusously. You'll enter a different world and wont mind all those living around you in that boring world because you'll be in a very different world of your own...

Glad I'm not the only one

This story is very familiar to me