My 'house'

The reasons for, and uses of my second (this) account have grown and changed since I originally heard the idea from a friend.

To start with, I wanted to tell a bunch of stories from my childhood, and these included stories that I was worried would be upsetting for people already in my circle:
The stories would be OFFERED to them all in their "Recent Circle Activity" box.. so it would be too easy to end-up reading it.I want to be a generally positive-minded person. I WANT to spread positive thoughts, not negative ones, to my circle. I love to read friends' exp's that I am not in the group for, as it tells me more about them, but there are some things that you just dont need to 'advertise'. It's just that box. If I publish the story on holoman then it only gets advertised to people through the "recent GROUP Activity" box, meaning that only members of the group the story is in get to see it, except if it appears in the "recent stories" box on the top right of your screen.

Some of my stories, dating from my childhood were to include details of cruelty to animals and other children. Some of thes I have yet to tell. All of them need more detail. I am nervous about putting too much in. I know people use these stories for entertainment..

I was worried about drawing haters to my profile. Some people have seen too many hollywood movies, they don't think that most children change, into funtioning adults, they don't do the maths and see that if all victims grew up to be like their abuser then ALL the people in the world would have caught 'abuser'.
I spent a long time writing all my stories and comments etc.. so I did not want to get a hater stalking my profile, I have heard of Epeeps having to delete their account and leave EP for months because someone disagreed with them having an experience in the past. I could deal with losing holoman.. though now I have had him a few weeks he has had quite a bit of time invested in him.. so I would not be keen on giving him up. I could use the confessions room anonymously, but that's crap. The comments in there are all insults or mean jokes. The stories dissapear after a day. So there's no permanent record in case another kid is actually in this position now, and needs to know that he is not alone, that people do get through experiences like that and that they don't all (like the movies tell you) grow up to be serial killers or any other sort of crasie person. EP is sadly lacking in stories that do not show the writer in a good light. I mean have you seen the size of the I am a stalker group? Tiny. Not representative at all. People are obviously trying to save face. holoman doesn't need to. He only has friends who know about his dark deeds and can live with them, knowing the attitude that I have towards them now. Which is that I regret the deeds but value the experiencs for what I can do to try to stop other people having to go through the same.. I am still trying to get into writing about this sort of stuff. It is not easy for me. I would rather bury them. These stories do me no good though, I don't like bringing them out but they poison me from inside so I must have them out of me. I have to make them not-secrets then they will hopefully not be able to hurt me anymore. Being made to hurt others, when I was a child, really hurt me too. It gave me a terrible veiw of myself. Keeping it a secret made it far worse. How could I ever get over it if it was so shameful could never tell anyone...for how long? A quarter of a century....... then Experience Project came into my life.
amazing Experience Project. The most valuable 'thing' in my life. My very first chance for that five year old to connect with a person, anonymously, and tell them the secret that I had kept all that time and what it had all done to me over the years.
Unfortunately, she hardly messages me any more, she didn't say she was rejecting me but then... they never do. Noone wants to hurt my feelings that bad but as soon as they find out theyback away.

Ok Thirdly :
I have a lot of negative thoughts. About myself, about life. I have depression. I have an aggressive side, which I have a tendency to be a bit P.A. with. I don't thrive on reading stories about negative stuff, that I am in groups for. I read em, but I don't feel great after. I want to have a fairly positive effect on people, I dont want to be bringing them down all the time. I want them to feel that if they chat with me then they will be happy, not depressed. I get so much support from my friends and I love them loads and I know a lot of them have depression and self-esteem issues too, so why would I want to suggest these things to them. I dont want to put negative thoughts in my friends heads. I would rather gripe elsewhere. I would also rather not have to see on my list of experiences, right there in my face everyday, all the traumatic experiences listed. Luckily the groups are not that specific, but I am going to make some that are a bit more specific. I don't want to have them in front of me all the time. Also, when people use the "next story by this author" button, they can stumble upon stuff they were not expecting, so I prefer to keep more shocking stories on a profile where you would expect them, then you dont get shocked at all.

4th reason

I have self-loathing issues. A "toxic personality shame" or something. (you can read about it thru the link "about me" on my profile) I definitely like to hurt myself by saying stuff to myself that is just like what my parents and teachers liked to say. Just telling myself I'm a really terrible person. TV is really bad for me, I absorb all their suggestions.. If I have seen a lot of stories on a murder or an abduction or something, I will actually tell myself that I am the culprit, or that I would be, given the chance. I wouldn't of course, it's not real. I just torture myself. I started having these thoughts about being the 'sort' of person who should probably deserve to go to jail anyway, even if I hadn't committed that particular crime. I did once think about confessing to a terrible crime that was on the news a lot last year..wouldn't have worked obviously.. and the crime turned out not to have happened anyway, at least not as they thought.. ...aaanyway all this self-hate self-loathing defeatist, depressive, moany, pity-party sh!t is not a nice thanks to all my good friends, who do their best to keep me undepressed! It is better that if I want to have a Tourette's veiw of myself then I can do it on a private channel, and not make them feel like their efforts are not working. I mean they are working. I get more positive thoughts and less negative thoughts every day. I would rather leave my negative thoughts behind..
I mhave heard friends say they deleted stories because they "don't feel that bad anymore" they don't wnt people to think that is their character, or they don't want to be reminded of it.. Well I think we need to keep those stories not delete them. We want them out of the way, but not erased. People erase them because they think it is their only choice if they don't want to keep the story on their profile. I don't want to lose the stories I have put effort or emotional pain into writing.

Don't tell anyone, but
Lately, holoman tried to help someone who had some problems with self esteem and some other things. It seems I was never able to help this guy at all, as he did not believe I could help, and doid not beieve in himself, but at least I gave it a shot, everyone else had told him to p!$$ off, I wanted him to write his experience down and post it on Experience Peroject!... I wanted to keep him out of my real circle, away from my friends, so i just used holoman to talk to him. He's not in holoman's circle now. He's blocked. He was upsetting me a lot with his stories anyway. Made me feel awful every day, every night especially. Felt poisoned. Felt dirty. No way would I have offered to get into that, let someone like that come to me for help, using my precious first profile. I needed a disposable profile for that.. just to have the confidence.. and to not give away so much info to this person..

So is there nothing you wouldn't say on EP, but would like to? Is there nothing you would like advice on or support for, but that you would worry about revealing?
I think there are probably lots of reasons I have omitted so far.. I can't remember everything at once.. EP is so useful.. I do many things, write for many reasons, I don't think I have found all EP's uses yet anyway.. i have made friends through this account. It amazes me because if you looked at holoman thinking he was a first account, he would appear to never write anything 'normal' he doesn't have more mundane exp's, he doesn't have favourite foods or music, or ever seem to be cheerful. He's just not balanced at all. I'd hate to be holoman. holoman is just the negative side of me or something, anyway he is not a separate persona, I don't pretend to be from a different country and I am not a split personality. Sometimes I do take the same blogthings quizzes, but in different moods! All the Epeeps who befriend holoman get introduced to my first profile and he is losing his anonymity anyway soon everyone will know. I mean it says on holoman's profile headline: holoman is a second profile.. or is it under the avatar?.. I dont remember.. Anyway check my profile any time! Check my video too! You will see why I don't want this stuff all over my profile, why I don't want to be 'feeding' it to my friends.

Also, if I do start to write about more sexual stuff, then i could get an over 18 flag, and i wouldn't want that on my main profile. I would mind a lot less if it were on this account. As I use the other one to talk to everyone, I don't want to be restricted.

So the main reason for having this second 'dark' profile:
Keep negative mutterings (and rants at myself/others)
separate from my main account.
I guess it's like the house metaphore thingy: holoman is the basement/cellar. I keep the cellar door shut, to stop the cold draught from blowing up the stairs, and spoiling the warmth in my house. Does that make any sense??

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
11 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Thanks for your comment, Cowgirl. I did need to get them out.. and I'm still glad I kept them separate from my main account so I only have to deal with them when I feel up to it, and also so they're not surprisng unsuspecting fans of my main account.

I think that the stories that float in our minds are the trauma stress anger and hurt of our past experiences. And if u dont let them out no matter how bad or graphic they may be, they will only build stronger and stronger. So i think its good that u get them out on paper and so u can reflect on them and see the recoverys you have made over the months and years.

i completly understand!

I used to hurt other kids too, but that was when I was was very young. That stoped by the time I was 9 or 10.<br />
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Very interesting, there was this one kid, who used to do stuff to purpasly **** you off and let you know he did it. I use to beat the crap out of him a regular bassis. He would hide in the basement of our school until he was sure I was long gone. I remember I'd catch him on the street and he would run into apartment buildings and start ringing the doorbells for help. <br />
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Nobody liked this kid, even the janitors at the school would tell me to get him good cause he'd always make a mess in the bathrooms and clog up the toilets or sinks. He use to very cruel to animals too. He allways would by mice and lizards and kill them. When I was a teenager I found out that his dad use to beat him. I remember his dad vaguely and I strongly suspect that he did more than just beat him. I felt awfull when I heard that. I still feel aweful. <br />
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I ran into him about ten years ago, we were both adults and he aproached me like nothing ever happened. He was very pleasant to talk to, but I never got a chance to apologise. Honestly, I don't think we would've wanted me to bring it up, he probably still blocks that part of his life out.<br />
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Ahhhgg...I use to think that'd be great to be a kid again huh? Wel the hell with that thought....<br />
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I'm soo, soo very sorry Chris

Ok, noone's here now. I guess i should add something about you my friends who are reading this. But i just wroti it twice, so i will lose the connection writing like that.. ou know what happens, i spend so long deleting and rewritng and struggling and blabbering and delteting... and then the connection goes again..<br />
hey, you know there's nothin secret about this profile any more so many people know who I am on both i mean I'm pretty sure everyone in my circle knows, thoI mnever introduced holoman to anyone unless there was a specific it's always because I want people to read this story, so they know about rthis powerful function of EP, it bends the rules a bit to do this, but it enriches the experience project experience.

It's great to be among friends. I started on EP feeliong so free, but all the friends i made are so valuable to me. I felt I couldn't talk anymore, I didn't want anyone to leave me. I have had so little friendship in my life i thought i couldn't bear if someone left me because I told them about my experiences. I have removed people from my circle because i could not accept their veiws, but not because of their experiences. <br />
I write experiences on this profile as if it's just another window, which it is. It's open most of the time I am on EP. I spend most of my time on the other profile. Some of the stories are written with a big slice of my self-suspicion smeared al over them. Id k what that is all about.. every time I write on this subject i am itching to say bad things about me. but i k now it's just him in my head. I<br />
i'm ok tho, as long as i dont get depressed, I can really keep it truthful.. I hope.. i dont know what truth is.. when you pick yourself to bits.. idk.. If it was daytime, and i was sat out on the mountain, loookin out to sea, typin this, I'd say.. never. anything. to. worry. about. ever. all. fekking. SUGGESTIONS.<br />
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this comment probably isnt suitable as a comment here, and I'm in a bad mood from writing it! So I may delete it in a bit.. I;ll let you read it tho.

Actually I feel better reading this---it means I'm not the only one who had these experiences. Maybe I can put more stories on too.

i know u must feel a lil weird about all thisstuff u wanna tell out but i wouldnt be so nervous if i were u,,relax..after all this EP thing is for us to confess our if u dont reveal too personal stuf,ur totally fine.Dont worry man..

Thankyou for that. Those are good words. I think so too. :¬) I was somewhat worried about what people assume I will have learned from that set of experiences... <br />
..I wrote such a long comment here just now! I'm still having to delete loads.. I blabber-on trying to explain myself! ha!:¬D<br />
Computer is slowing down.. might not post this, keeps refusing.. I lose the connection, like ALL the time. I have to refresh the page soon enough or it goes off, and I have to turn it off/on again.. it's just the worst.. if I get distracted by trying to write a decent, full comment on someone's story it can punish me for it! That's when it usually happens..<br />
I wrote a comment earlier, on a story -usin this profile, it was full of Jesus.. weird for me, that, I don't normally call it that.. but the story was by a Bible-basher, and I can't stand Bible-bashers, they just make it harder to find real good Christian friends, you know? I love having XTN friends; but I hate having to filter-out all the ones who can't see beyond dogma.. Think they should wear a big X on their forehead to let me know, hehe! <br />
I am blocked from that drama story now tho, she only put it up to upset as many Epeeps as possible so I'm not goin back there now.. I don't suggest you go there either.. hmm.. wonder if this thing'll send yet? It doesn't sound like it.. it sounds busy all the time... got criticised before for logging-off in a so-called debate and it was just this stupid connection, I hadn't refreshed the page for more than 120 seconds or somethin, and the connection just went off, as usual.. so it's like it punishes me for trying to write a decent intelligent answer.. maybe glib remarks are better-suited to EP anyway.. that is mostly what goes-on! ;¬D<br />
One Love!

I believe that all of our experiences, both good and bad, make up who we are. I think the trick to being who we want to be is learning from our experiences, our mistakes and our victories. We are all human. Everyone one has a good and bad side to them. There is no shame in that. We can't change our past, but we can learn from it so that we can have a wonderful future.

I don't feel like I am hiding at all.<BR>I think when I had only one account I was unable to tell all of my stories, for fear of hurting those close to me.. <br />
or being misunderstood. People make assumptions.<br />
I think that when I post a blog for friends only, that is more like hiding, because this way the stories are for all to see.<BR>I think that anyone who has used the confessions anonymously would be able to see the benefit of being able to write-out all that negative stuff somewhere where it's not spreading it quite so much.<BR>i mean I kinda see it like I'm not so much hiding as refraining from handing-out flyers.