Uncanny Queer

I don't even know if this is the right way to put the way I feel towards my sexuality. I don't hate myself. I actually respect myself alot, almost too much. I just hate the fact that I have nothing in common with most homosexuals. I don't go to clubs every weekend, I don't listen to trance music, and I don't like the concept of throwing stereotypes and gender biased labels like top or bottom. I'm 28 years old and I've only truly felt connected to one person. I feel like i'm spending the rest of my life trying to find someone with the same qualities that he had. I know everyone says that they aren't like most gay guys----but I have YET to meet one that doesn't idolize Madonna. I appreciate her talent but I don't find her the best or even worth idolizing. I don't want to die alone.
CatalystReverie CatalystReverie
26-30, M
9 Responses Aug 10, 2007

Yeh man I hear what your saying. All my life I have been out of step with the gay scene or community.

I have always loved my sports especially the footy {thats A.F.L here in Australia}. When people first meet me they are quite often shocked to hear that I am gay. I have always been attracted to masculine or butch men {not rednecks}. I cant stand gay dance parties, shrieking effeminate gay men, drag queens or juvenile ****.

I just like a man to be a man. Handsome, strong, confident, snappy dresser with a bit of class and style, educated and law abiding and very affectionate in bed.

So mate there are many, many guy's out there who do not frequent the bars or clubs and live quietly in the burbs. Everyone who knows me also knows that I am gay.

Well, you pack a lot of information in there. Here's what I have to offer- firstly I've been out since I was 18 (1976) in California. I sort of didn't like the gay scene when it was really rip-roaring back in the late 1970's here. Nonethelss I have carried on over the years, simply tolerating, if you will my gay brothers, penchant for dance clubs, female entertainers etc. That's never been a part of who I am. I generally did "guy" jobs , was someone people were surprised to find out I was gay, did some typical male things,was someone whom people were surprised to find out I was gay, not much sports (I'm pretty small in stature) and you get the picture. My advice is nonetheless man up to this one and accept these effeminate men. Nowdays we have lots of outlets, at least here in Californaia,, for things other than bars and the like. Sports, outdoors and a lot more. Your life can be fun.

Mate I am not quite sure by what you mean by "man up to this one and accept these effeminate men". Certainly here in Austraila, queeny types do not accept me or most men who are masculine.

I have no idea what goes on there. What I do know is that, yeah effeminate gay men have over the course of my adulthood have, at times given me **** because they thought I wasn't out enough. My response has been "well that's me" meaning it's tough **** but I am fine with a masculine personna. I just simply let it go. If being around openly effeminate men is bothersome, my advice is to simply find other guys who share your interests-I did.

Yeh I agree. I just feel more comfortable being arround macho guys, gay or straight, it's just me. I know I do not really fit in with the dance party, drug, pub scene guys. Maybee I'm the weird one. Give me a G.I Joe type of bloke any day!

Well, what I did for instance in college was to find a straight buddy. Not only were we best of friends but loved each other intensly, without any thought of sexual overtones. I think I may know what you mean-I have really enjoyed my male friendships some straight, some non-effeminate gay men over the years probably more than I could have enjoyed friendships with say, women (despite the stereotype..) What I would venture to guess is that some of gay men really like the companship of other guys. Nothing wrong with it.. I know it's me...

Yeh I have to agree I love the company of men straight or gay. We are way less complicated than women. I have had some great friendships with straight guys and yes they knew I was into guys and it wasnt a problem. But I really got lucky back in 2005 when I met the love of my life. We had so much in common and we both liked virtually the same things and activities. He loved his sports and we would fly to Melbourne to catch a few footy games. We did on some occasions go to some gay bars usually to meet friends but we both felt a bit out of place. I had the happiest years of my life with him. His mum accepted me as "son no 2" which was very special. He died in 2010 due to heart issues. If I do start dating again it would have to with one amazing guy.

Hey mate you were relly lucky. So many of us would have obviously loved to be so much in love.

On the other stuff. Firstly,I agree with the feeling of wanting to be around other guys. In my case I knew it right after college. A buddy of mine who worked for Californa Emploment began sending me out on day construction jobs. Even though the work was hard, I sort of knew that I wanted to both work and be aroud guys, Don't ask me why-it just happened. I say hat's off to guys that don't do that scipt, As Sly Stone sang "Diferent Strokes For Different Strokes"

Sorry-I meant to say : Different strokes for different folks,and so and aand so on
and scooby do on.. Caliornia 1970

6 More Responses

I can empathize with you. I've always felt like I have nothing in common with the "common" homosexual. What is trance music and who is Madonna? Sounds really naieve but that is how clueless and opressed life growing up was. The interest was always there and I knew who I was, but it was an environment where intollerance was the only thing tollerated. I like atlernative rock and some heavy rock music (ie. Tool, Godsmack, Fuel, Nine Inch Nails, Live, 3 Doors Down, etc) but also like a wide range of other music including classical, emo, goth, folk, country, jazz, new age etc... just about everything depending on the mood. I like to hunt, fish, camp, watch football, basketball and a bunch of other usually categorized straight activities. I have worked in many different fields including drywall, painting, plastering, logging, pool cleaning, real estate, banking, retail, fast food etc..I cook, clean, sew, garden/landscape and many other non-gay things... Not your stereotypical homo! My point is, embrace, accept and love who you are and be the best person you know how to be. We are all unique and get to experience life unlike anyone else. The connection / love you experienced doesn't happen for everyone and no two experiences are the same, some are better than others, so keep your mind and heart open and you will find that connection again! Sometmes the dissconnect and lonelyness makes us question who we are and if it is all worth it but...what's the alternative...date/marry a girl that you arent attracted to and will never be in love with, avoid sex because you will always remember the connection/love you experienced with him, become an addict/alcoholic because you are so unhappy with the choices you made/didnt make and end result.... self loathing & hate. LOVE AND ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE AND YOU WILL FIND TRUE LOVE!

You have no idea how similar we are. I am alone in a world of screaming queens too. But you know what? They make me a little less sick than bigoted straight *** bashers. Think about that. I would rather listen to Madonna than have my head beaten in by some closeted breeder. Capice?

So where does it say that you can't be exactly the same way you are now, with the caveat that you are open about your sexuality? What you've described is pretty much me to a tee, but I don't give a flip who knows I'm likely to fall in love with other men. Man up and be open about who you are, dude...as for all the crap that you think being gay means, screw it. You don't wanna swoon over Madonna, then don't. Lust after Bob Villa on "This Old House" if you'd prefer, but don't live your life in the closet...it's stifling in there.

I completely understand. Im a homosexual, closeted college guy. I am the stereotypical overachieving, frat, guy. Im the poster golden child of my family and am somewhat of the role model. Im extremely popular and well known on not only my campus, but on several campuses and throughout the city. Im not out because of my fear of displacement. This is a quote from one of my comments on another group <br />
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"I just found this group though and it confirmed my suspicion that there are millions of us out there. Us closeted guys who are not the typical switching lisp gay type. We are masculine, manly, 'normal' (whatever that is) men who happen to be attracted to other men. I wish that we had an identity, I wish we had some role models, I wish we had a community of people to strengthen us. We are to straight to be gay and to gay to be straight. We dont fit into the gay community, we dont have the same tastes, behaviors, or interests. We socially identify with the mainstream heterosexual world, and we happen to be gay. The heterosexual world has no place for us and the gay community doesnt appeal to us.<br />
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Maybe masculine homosexuality is the next sexual frontier. I wish Tom Cruise would come out, or something. We need some visible masculine homosexuals. WHAT IS OUR IDENTITY? WHERE IS OUR COMMUNITY?"<br />
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Wanna know the answer to what youre looking for? All of the other guys like us are in the closet. I fthey are out there looking for someone like you are then they are on the internet on one site or another, roaming around like we are.<br />
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Wish we had some sense of Identity or community but we dont yet.

After reading the first 4 comments, I must admit that I think it has all been said in one way or another depending on your interpretation....Though one "question" (not comment) does come to mind, just because you're in the emotional position that you've so generously shared with the rest of us (thank you, by the way for I do "know" what you mean), does that necessarily make you a "Self Hating Homosexual"???... I don't think so....I could of course be mistaken, but that's where my mind went when reading what you've shared. You sound more "lost" or as if you're "seeking" for someone with whom you fit/belong. That, in my humble opinion, doesn't mean you hate yourself at all. If I'm missing something here, or there's more to what you've shared, please continue to share. I appreciate your thoughts and all of the referenced comments.

((hugs))<br />
finding yourself as an individual (especially within the context of a group culture) is always a struggle. but it sounds like you know and respect who you are, and are hoping to be able to find someone who can appreciate you for you, and who you can appreciate in turn. the eternal struggle, regardless of sexual preference, yes?

well, i am *sure* those gay guys are out there, if you have the patience to find them. maybe they just aren't the sort who are obviously homosexual, and so if you have met them, you also missed them? and i know what it feels like to feel...i don't know, isolated? set apart? distanced?...from other people. but those few people are out there, i know they are, because after year i have found a few, to my own surprise. i know you lost one, but there are more out there. so, the point of this long ramble is something like...hang in there.

I think you just need to be patient. Try to surround yourself with different kinds of people to become more worldly. It will help you develop the ability to be able to feel connected to more people.