Need Advice Please

Ive had the whole bad times growing up, abusive childhood, raped, been used here there and everywhere, but that's never what gets me, I'm only the way i am because i make myself this way, I'm sure of it, if i would let myself I'm sure i could be happy, i never had love as a child, both my parents and siblings hated me and let me now and Ive never been able to let anyone love me, anyone who tries to help me or get close to me i push away or hurt them, my life just feels empty, i have plenty of friends but none of them really know me, i have one very close friend who I'm constantly trying to hurt, but all he does is try and help me but i cant have him close so I'm a complete ***** to him, he really doesn't deserve it hes helped me through so much recently, as i result I'm just lonely and numb, I'm depressed apparently. i deal with every day life by locking myself away in my room and cut myself, Ive been doing it since i was a kid like 8, 9 years old, didn't know what i was doing was like a thing till i was older, i don't cut every day and had stopped it for 3 years till this year then I'm back at it, every time i see people happy i just want to hurt myself, ill do anything to try and stop but in the end i cut myself, it beats me. so my friend took me to a doctor so i could get counsel ling, but my problem is all i do is shut off, Ive got such a wall built up i cant even talk, i just sit there shaking, cant speak one word, but all i want to do is scream and shout everything that's happened and get help but i cant, so i end up sitting there digging my nails into myself or scratching away at my skin, i cant let anyone help me or help myself. I have an assessment on Wednesday with my counselor so she can see how messed up i am and what help i need, but its going to be useless because of this stupid wall, I'm just going to sit there in silence, how ever much i want to speak i know i am so they ll give up as well.. I'm just going to end up like this for as long as i live and i really want to get better and be happy, not just feel numb, but i cant help myself to let others help me, so does anyone have any ideas how i can help myself for weds.??