My Story

I always felt that something was never right with me when I was a kid. I always felt this dark emptiness in my chest and never knew what it was. I would be sad all the time when no one was looking and have nightmares. I felt unloved as a child and never thought i was worth it. I would slap my face and my arms till they were red. I would bite myself and would use a pencil to scratch my arms back then.  All of this was around 6 or 7. I stopped when I was 9. Then went back to do it again when I was 14 when something really bad happened to me. I start cutting and it felt so good. It released all pain I felt and make me smile because I felt better. I loved or love you can say the way it feels when I rub my hands down my cuts. I get shivers every time i see a blade and I start to crave it. I was had a break down and told my teacher, i got help but I stopped going. I found out why I felt the way I did and why I cut. They said I had an adjustment disorder with mix anxiety and depression. I try not to cry when I feel empty and sad and depressed because I feel weak. I hate when I have my attacks so I cut to keep both from happening. Then I'm out of that dark hole I feel that I'm trapped in and everything is alright. But like a drug once that high is over you come crashing down and just want more to get that feeling back. And that's what I do, I cut, feel better, fall right back into that dark pit and cut again just to get out. I went 6 months without cutting, 6months of crying and anxiety attacks. And I broke. I gave in. After 6months of smooth skin and faded scars. I released my pain and cut again 3 days ago.
BeautifulStarlight BeautifulStarlight
18-21, F
4 Responses May 14, 2012

You're very brave to share your story. I cut about 3 weeks ago, being doing long time, and but I'm getting past it now finally. Hope things get better for you. Xx

I havent cut for a month. Im proud of myself but its really hard.i have scars on my thigh. Its really noticable. And i dislike wearing a bikinni cuz u can clearly see the light lines so i wear shorts over the bottom so no one will notice.

Mine are on my arms. I got scars going back 20 years, but then I hadn't cut for about 6 years until a few months ago, when I just went through a bad patch ans started again. Can be difficult - especially in the summer - it's hot but I have to wear long sleeves to cover up my arms. If you ever want to chat or just talk about anything, then I'll try and be here for you - just add me. Take care BeautifulStarlight - I'm sure you have a heart of pure gold. xx

Thank u. And id really like that

You actually cut yourself because you want to protect others and this is your way of letting out the pain. You love so deeply you think you can hurt yourself to save others as well as the little girl you once were.<br />
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You are intelligent, sexy, tons of personality and way down deep inside - you are a hopeless romantic.<br />
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I like you

Ive been called that before.

what you need or want is probably just a little ways, please take care of yourself. you have a lot possibilities, you can always talk to an EP Friend.

I know exactly how you feel. I learned something from reading this about why I used to do it. I had a relapse myself after 2 years all the scars faded. I did it and the urges came back even harder after that. I've been clean for almost 2 years again and I haven't had nearly the urges like I use to. If you ever want someone you can chat with to get anything off your chest. You can inbox me. Oh yeah when you said that crying makes you feel weak I have felt the same way. I even get angry when people tell me I'm weak.

thank u :-)