My Story

So here's my story.  My name is Rob, I'm 19, and the last time I cut myself was about a month ago.  It was after I had felt like I had failed at trying to save a friendship that I had with my friend Ashley.  However after I cut myself she then came down to my dorm room to apologize to.  We had gotten into a few fights lately, and she had been pretty pissed off at me a lot for not "fixing" my problems.  Well after Ashley had apologized to me, she then helped clean up my cuts and we had a talk,and since then things have been okay between us.  However even that problem has been resolved, the problems which she wanted me to fix which started all the arguments are still going on.

I suppose it all began with my junior year of high school.  Towards the end of that year I had gotten into cutting really badly due to problems with friends and school..  I had been hospitalized three times (directly from school) and ended up with some pretty visible scars.  I had considered just dropping out of high school, but I returned for my senior year because I figured I could make it through at least one more year of high school.  I had stopped cutting over the summer, but I started again in the late fall because my grandmother had passed away and things were going back to the way they used to at school.  I really loved my grandmother, and after that I figured things could never get better, only worse (i still kinda feel like that today).  Anyways, after about a month or so after my grandmother had passed away, I started talking to this girl named Emily.  She randomly messaged me on Facebook one night, and it had to be the weirdest yet most entertaining conversation ever.  All I knew about her was that she was just some girl at my school.  I kept talking to her anyways because talking to her was actually a lot of help to me.  Although we ere both practically strangers to each other, she always listened to what I had to say no matter what it was.  Talking to her was the best distraction I had from whatever problems I had, because talking to someone like her who never judged me; never saw me as any less of a person because of what I had been through, made me realize that I wasn't the freak I though I was.  She pretty much saved my life.

As time went on and I continued talking her, I began to fall for her.  However, I always refused to tell her how I felt about her because I always though her life was so perfect compared to mine that I though she could never feel the same way about me.  My friends always pressured me into telling her, but I never could.  That summer when I graduated I decided I was gonna stop talking to her completely.  It was nearly impossible for me because of all the people I said goodbye to when I graduated and all the people I knew I probably wasn't gonna talk to again, she was the hardest one to say goodbye too. No one really had an impact on me that year like she had.  I figured  I had to though because I thought I was just an annoyance in her life and that she would be better off without me.  That summer I did everything I could to try and forget her, but nothing worked.  I got to the point where I figured it would probably be easier just to tell her how I felt.  Later that summer I went on vacation to my lake house for two weeks and I decided I was going to work up the courage to tell her how I felt when I got back.  Unfortunately two days after I got back she got a boyfriend.  That was the point I figured I had to stop talking to her.  I thought that she would never know how I felt about her, and it would probably be better that way.  Besides, she seemed to be really happy with her boyfriend and I was going to college in a few weeks where I figured I would meet someone to take my mind off her, so what's the worst that could happen if I stopped talking to her, right? Wrong.  I turned out to be completely wrong.

About a month or so after I went to college I did meet someone.  However they only real reason I liked them was because they reminded me of Emily.  Eventually things kinda fell through with this girl, but after that I realized how much I missed talking to Emily.  I wanted to know how she was doing, but I didn't want to talk.  It was so long since I talked to her during the summer that I though it would just be awkward if I did start talking to her again.  Therefore to find out how she had been, I decided to check a blog that she had.  When I saw it, I freaked out.  I saw a bunch of posts about her cutting and  her being anorexic and refusing to eat.  From what I learned from the posts it had all started when her boyfriend dumped her.  When I learned that I had so much regret for never telling her how I felt.  I thought maybe things could have been different I had told her; maybe she would've ended up with me instead of that other guy and none of this would've ever happened to her.  To this day I still kinda blame myself a little for what happened to her.  I wanted to help her; I wanted to see her get better but I had no clue what to do.  All I knew was that I had to start talking to her again, and that eventually I would have to tell her how I felt about her.  I thought it was such a huge mistake not telling her earlier, and I wasn't going to make that mistake again.  

Over the next few months, I kept talking to Emily every now and then, as well as checking on her blog.  I did so because I was always so worried about her, and I knew she would never tell me what was going on with her.  Because of this I knew there wasn't much I could do to help her, just tell her that I was there for her if she ever needed anyone.  It was terrible for me to know what she was going through and not being able to really help.  There were days where all I could think of was her, so much that sometimes I couldn't even eat knowing she wasn't eating.  Eventually she went to a treatment clinic for eating disorders for two weeks.  I didn't want her to have to go, but I also knew it it was probably the best thing for her.  After that she seemed to be improving, and I though that was the best time to tell her how I felt.  I waited a few weeks until after she got out of the clinic to tell her.  I wrote her a long message explaining how she helped me so much more than she realized last year and how I tried to forget about her and stop talking to her over the summer and how I was always afraid to tell her how I felt, and that all I really wanted was to be a good friend to her.  She said it was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to her, and that I should have said it sooner.  She asked me if I had anything more to say, but I decided not to tell her that I knew what she had been going through because I figured it would've made her feel uncomfortable, and that if she wanted me to know she would eventually tell me herself.  She asked when I was getting out of school so we meet up and talk in person, so I told her that I could come home any weekend since I was only about 40 minutes away.  We decided on meeting up two weeks later.  I talked to her the weekend before we were planning on meeting, and she told me we could meet at a fundraiser for her chamber chorus that Saturday.  Later that week I found out that there was no such fundraiser. She had lied to me.  Since then we have never talked to each other again.

Even though that happened months ago, I still can't get over her.  I still check her blog every now and then because she is still kind of struggling.  I wish I could help her in some way but I feel like I've done everything I can.  I know I have to move on but I can't let go of her knowing what she's been through and what she's still going through.  Sometimes I think to myself maybe would be different if I had told her that I knew what she was going through and that I just wanted to help but it's too late now.  I suppose that's the main problem I've been having because it hurts me to know that someone who helped me through so much is suffering and there's nothing I can do about it.  I have tried to move on though.  A few weeks before I told Emily how I felt about her, there was another girl in my photography class that i was kind of developing a crush on, however I just ignored it because I wanted to put Emily first.  About a month after I stopped talking to Emily I admitted that I liked this girl in my photography class and about a month ago I wrote this girl a not saying that I had developed a crush on her but I just wanted to be friends.  This was because I had the feeling that she wasn't really ready to be in a relationship with anyone which I wanted show her that I had respect for that.  Lately though I've been having mixed feelings about her though because she told me and a few other people about how she saw her former roommate cut herself while she was in the room.  She told the story as if her former roommate was crazy, which makes me afraid to find out what she would possibly think of me if she knew that I was occasionally struggling with it. She doesn't know about Emily or anything else involving that whole story; all she knows is that I've had a crush on her.  I don't want to tell her any of this either because I feel like she would never think the same of me which i wouldn't want to happen because she's made me the happiest I've been since I stopped talking to Emily.

Even though this girl has made me the happiest I've been since I stopped talking to Emily, I'm still not completely over Emily.  I still worry about her from time to time and I just want her to be okay.  Also with this girl I'm worried that if she ever learned about how I used/still do occasionally cut myself, she'll never think the same of me.  Everything feels like such a mess sometimes and I'm worried things will always be like that.  Cutting myself sometimes is the only relief from all this and I hate.  I want to stop for good and I want there to be peace.  I want their to peace in my own life, and I want their to be peace in Emily's life and everyone else who has ever suffered through something like she has.  Hopefully one day that will happen.
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18-21, M
Jun 5, 2012