I'm so tired of feeling this way...Strange, how I got myself in this situation but I can't find my way back. I climbed the tree but I can't get down again. Strange how I'm almost tired of all the blood, how the sight of my scars leaves me both numb and bothered. Strange how when I cut now, the effect lasts so short of a time and then I'm left with the aftermath for the next few days, hiding the signs from my parents. And I hate hiding it...I wish I was around people who knew and understood and wouldn't make me hide who I am. I wish for once in my life I could be me.
I always dream about what I could be...about what would happen if I could replace my cutting with writing, if I could pour all my pain and hurt into my words. If I could bleed out my emotions in ink, and the script would be my scars. I wonder what would happen...if I could remember how to immerse myself, if I would actually write every night like I plan to, if I could finish Black Ink Rose and get it published....if others would read my words and her what I have to say, the story within the story...how would things be different?
Would it change me?
Would my situation change?
Is depression a state of mind or a combination of many things? If my dreams came true, would I be happier or would my mindset stay the same...or would it change my mind, change my thoughts, change my life?
I'll probably never know.
SunnysWifeBlue SunnysWifeBlue
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 24, 2014

Why don't you start by trying to write every time you feel like cutting. See what that does for you?

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes not. The problem I have is, I get myself stuck, locked inside myself. I get blinded by the ache inside me and I can't breathe, can't focus. The restlessness settles in my spine, the nape of my neck like someone's grabbed me there and I can't get free. I can't concentrate. And when I get like that, everything I do looks worthless and it makes me angry at myself for being a failure...and that only makes things worse.
My problem is my state of mind...I'm stuck out on that limb and turned the wrong way but everything I try to do just seems to make things worse.
And I know a lot of it is my mindset and my depression. And I see all the things I'd have to do to get to a place other than this one...and my heart and hopes plummet like I'm falling. I'm afraid I'll try so hard, try even harder than I have before...but that it won't change anything.