Big Heart and Intense/needy

I realize that I could be viewed as justifying myself a lot and you might get the impression that I'm in denial about my problems. At least you know I'm aware of more than one angle about the issue.

That being said I want to share some introspective thing that may apply to you.

Because of things in my past, relationships are still kind of a new thing to me. I'm thrilled and my heart is expanding quickly.

I tend to really give a lot, in any relationship, even mail and like EP and such. I enjoy making people feel good. That does not mean I make things up, I just give credit where credit is due. I'm as real as they come.

Here's where I have to be careful ... People not only don't have the time and energy that I tend to invest in casual exchanges, but apparently I'm often perceived as intense or needy, like a brown-noser or something (I'm guessing, since no one will really come out and say that). Well I'm not going to micro-analyze that. Mutual admiration societies are all good if you ask me; even if flattery is exaggerated a little.

The thing we have to be careful with is: If you give too much, and expect a lot back, you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment, and this can lead to anger and resentment if there's enough disappointment, ESPECIALLY IF you're a sensitive person.

I have to go through this a lot, because of my hyper-enthusiasm. So I always have to ask myself if I'm going too far, because I might actually be (not intentionally) pushing my acquaintances in the wrong direction, and then I make them, and myself miserable in the long run.

So, I thought this would be a pretty relevant topic for this group.

Thanks for reading. Please contact me if you've had similar experiences, and let me know if there's an experience group specifically for that.

BobArctor BobArctor
41-45, M
20 Responses Mar 1, 2008

Nice to hear your thoughts MCris.<br />
You can correct the mistake by clicking on your text.

heart committed (type mistake)

Is really interesting to hear there are more people that feels like I do. When I entered this website tonight I was feeling hopeless. The way I am just do not fit. I am open to talk about feelings and to understand people. Is my nature, I just cannot change it... But this sensibility is giving me a hard time nowadays, I just cannot pretend or act without my heary being committed.<br />
Is quite crazy to think that what I need most is intimacy and that to trust people after my marriage ended is so difficult. To let people get real close is so difficult. Feeling so lonely like this is killing me softly like the song says.<br />
I love people just because I feel it inside. I love them. <br />
But I am getting scared.<br />
I wish I could feel loved same way one day. Taken care like I would. <br />
Nice sharing these thoughts, thanks!

Sorry I don't get it. I said I was SOMETIMES PERCEIVED AS intense or needy. By my standards possibly not. But what is it that I supposedly want that I can't have exactly? I'm not dismissing your comment, perhaps I just need more detail to understand it.

Its that you want what you can't have Bob and thats what makes things intense - if you could just have it then it wouldn't be intense anymore.

You're right artistaeli. Guess I was venting a little. But I think it's important to understand there's two "sides" to everything and people should give each new person the benefit of the doubt. People with an open heart and open mind can transcend the traditional reactive patterns brought on by this sadistic world. Your behavior not only influences others to do the same but can encourage or discourage those of us who are just trying to be uplifting.<br />
<br />
Thanks for your comments. Your remarks show you do truly understand.

yep totally understand.... and yet for some reason we continue giving

This is exactly what I'm talking about. But this is from 2008!! anyone recently feeling the same. Giving too much and expecting the same in return, never happens.... very dissapointed???

I have felt the same way ,I understand what you have gone through.If anyone needs to talk please don;t think twice.<br />
I've had friends that did exactly what you have all said .And so now I don't have any friends. Iam shy and then I try to hard but it never works out. So if any of need a friend ......

awww ... yeaaa i have heard abt PTSD ... n mite have been thru it ... thts when i tried to end my life ... m gessing u are outta it now ... if so m so glad ... it must have been like hell 4 yaa ... :( ....

bored PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; it's something that happens to vets and others that are abused early. What it does is that it can make them numb to feelings, even to the point that they're totally buried and the person can't express the feelings.<br />
<br />
So, that wasn't someone's name, sorry I was going quick. It's what they had. The breakup was not pretty. It drove me to counseling. I felt like I had to have it, for the first time ever in my life.

Yeah I do feel there could be a lot of truth to that. Yes, we have to ask ourselves VERY CAREFULLY the question, what is it about my behavior that opens the door to that type?<br />
<br />
Unfortunately it's not really easy but I'm guessing:<br />
Set strict boundaries right from the start. No boundaries, nothing to cross. Everything's ALL GOOD MAN (to them). MAKE IT CLEAR RIGHT AWAY that you expect the same kind of respect that you give.<br />
<br />
If they're simply not capable, don't make the mistake of letting them into your intimate life and become dependent on them. Spend time but leave your options open. The very fact that you act as if your options are open makes you exude confidence and respect.<br />
<br />
When putting out this signal, people that can step up are free to do so. Those that think they can be a parasite probably won't even try.<br />
<br />
I still have a lot to learn. It's easy to talk theory about this stuff but actually doing it is REALLY HARD, esp for people like you and I that have been without intimacy for a long time, yet feel as if a part of us is missing without it. We tend to attach to the first thing we can just to fill that need. But, going with the wrong one can just lead to the path to misery. I've learned that much already.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the thoughts and for making me think too.

That is the mystery...why do we give so much when we do know that they aren't going to be there for us.

i ges the whole wide world is like tht ... everyone is selfish to some extent ..... but yea thr r some big meanies ... who are very good at such a kind of act ... they have skills ... n juz be nice when they want somethin ... <br />
<br />
but maybe the problem is with us ... why do we give so much ... when we no that they are not always gonna be there for us ... like we are there for them ...

Here's my thoughts on the subject lately, and this doesn't apply to just romantic relationships but also friendships. Sometimes I wonder if I naturally draw to me other who are careless with my feelings because since i'm so willing to put in so much effort I represent to them a "safe" person and they assume I will never not be there for them. So that means they can treat me like crap and I'll still keep trying and I'll always "be there". So then it begs the question, how can I be different so as not to keep drawing to me the same kinds of people? Because it seems like the people I let in the closest tend to be users. Anybody else feel this? Experience this? Like they are right there calling you when they need help, comfort or a favor but if they don't need anything they do nothing to maintain the relationship or the closeness of the relationship.

bob , whos PTSD ?

Hey NaNeenah. It's comforting to know you're not alone, isn't it? For me, too. Thank you! Why do I get the feeling there are quite a lot of us that have to be careful how much we give?<br />
<br />
It's so hard! I want to give my all even though I know I won't get it back JUST SO I can try to make the connection special and magical.<br />
<br />
One factor that enters into the picture I think is that people have no RESPECT for someone who tries hard. It's a ******* insipid power thing. It paints you WEAK and dependent. THAT IS NOT necessarily the case if you ask me. I have plenty of self-esteem I just love love and try my best to make it special every time. If I knew in advance that my pearls would be tossed into the trough, THEN I would definitely not waste my energy!! What do you think?

bored2dth I totally agree with everything you said. It can definitely (and usually is) as case of pearls before swine. Also, they may just not have the capacity. That's pretty much it. I was involved with PTSD. She tells others she's in love with me but unable to tell me directly. I find out much later. For instance.

Bob, I could have written this myself. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I find myself giving too much b/c I desperately want that interaction with someone (esp. if it is someone I admire) and I ALWAYS end up being disappointed. Disappointment is something I extremely and painfully used to. For example, i get excited if someone says "hey, I'm gonna call you tomorrow so we can talk." So me being the loyal person that I am waits impatiently by the phone and then the person never calls. This happens to me a lot. People say they wanna do this and that with me, but never follow through. Then comes the anger and resentment and the feeling that I am a loser. It sucks..

heyyyy .... u know i tohtally understand what u saying ... n lemme tell yaa somthin u might already know .... snesitive ppl like us who need some caring tend to give ppl more than what they deserve ... n then we expect the same outta them .... but they just cant give that much ... u see we are too good ... n then we are the ones who are disappointed after all .... :( .... n we feel ignored ... but this can very well be avoided if onli we juz stop expecting and start accepting .... wut say frend ????