Being Sensitive Hurts Sometimes

I am a very sensitive person. I feel pain and happiness in little things, which doesn't even matter in this big wide world. Two days ago, I had a simple argument with my father. My father is a really good man but he hates over-sensitive people, so I think he pretty much hates me too. I was just talking about the smell of insecticide which was really giving me headache with my mom ( i have allergies with smelly things) and then he just showed up and that I complained a lot and stop shouting. I was not even talking loudly!! I was only smiling at my mom and talking about the regular things. I felt so cold and scared with my father and that I usually do when he is around. I said that "Papa I am not even talking, can't I even talk now?" and the tears burst down from my eyes. I don't know how it happened..... I tried so hard to hide those tears!! Then my dad's anger raised much higher because of that. I just sensed it and I started sobbing all of a sudden. Then he told me lot things and sobbing just turned into weeping! He told me I wasn't strong enough for anything and blah blah blah kind of stuffs. He also told me( he was driving out his frustrations) that he would better die and I would be happpy!! You know how that hurt. I was so so hurt when he said this. It pained so much. I mean how can he even say such stuffs. I love him so much. I really do! I felt like dying. i couldn't just say anything! I then cried and told him that I cared so much about him but he just started shouting at me with all he could. I was so scared and angry and hurt! I ran into my room and cried so much. I wept like a child. 
I thought of so many things about myself. At one point, I even thought of killing myself. I hated dad for this and he even didn't say sorry. He even doesn't talk to me now. I think he hates me. My father was never like that. He hated my sensitivity but he never said anything like that before. It hurt so much! I couldn't share it with any of my friends. I don't know how to explain it with the words. What was my fault? Can't I even have some usual talks now? I try to be as friendly and relaxed as possible and I hide my tears and depressions in my home so much so that my parents won't take tensions for me and all I get is that!!! I wish I was not a sensitive person! I wish I was strong enough to be loved by my dad!! It hurts to be a sensitive person!! :
citygirl9841 citygirl9841
18-21, F
1 Response May 18, 2012

Hey Citygirl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The thing that stands out to me about your Dad is that as Sjachaurix said, he's as sensitive as you are. A man is supposed to protect his family, and when he keeps seeing that you are in pain, he can really feel it. This (unconsciously) makes him feel like he's not protecting you well, which in his mind makes him a failure. <br />
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I would suggest that he doesn't really hate you, it's just easier to blame you than to think himself a failure.

Yeah, but I wish he knew how much it hurt me when he blamed me..... I don't think I will ever understand him.