The woman who birthed me has Borderline Personality disorder. The abuse I suffered as a child made me feel unsafe and unwanted. Like it was all my fault she was angry all the time. These circumstances color everything I do as an adult, whether I am aware or not. It has made me hypersensitive and forever 'sorry!', even when it's not my fault. I don't talk to her or her husband anymore. It has made a huge difference. I'm still sensitive, that will never go away, but I'm happy for the first time in my life.
MarcyBrawner MarcyBrawner
41-45, F
9 Responses Aug 16, 2014

I think my Momma has something like this. She bit me in the face when I was a teen and went to work like that.

That's horrific, and not acceptable. Is this a pattern of behavior or an isolated incident? If you'd like to talk more about it, I'm here. What has really helped me the most is knowing there were others with the same stories. Any you have to share, I welcome them. God Bless you.

My mom was diagnosed with Ambulatory Schizophrenia, which means she could function normally in some areas of life. But, she tried to kill me several times before I was one-year-old and many times after that. She killed herself in 2003.
I went the other way though; I was violent and aggressive. I guess I thought that, if this is what my mother does to me, what is everyone else going to do. I made up my mind that I would never suffer another's torture again. So I set out to defend myself before any attack ever happened. I have been divorced 4 times because of it and can't handle any type of relationship whatsoever.
Thanks for sharing.

My heart breaks for you. I've never heard of Ambulatory Schizophrenia until now. It sounds a lot like BPD. My birth mother tried several times to end her life, but never seriously. She's too much of a narcissist to really do it. Sometimes as a child I wished she would just do it, then maybe the rest if my family could have some sort of peace. I know it will effect me when she dies. I don't know how, yet, but it will. I'm lucky, I guess because I met my husband very young. He's from an absent mother and abusive father. I guess we found comfort in each other's weirdness. We've been able to grow up together and SURVIVE together. I'm not sure I would have been able to do that with a 'normal' person. Also, when we had a child we broke the cycle, our main priority was NOT to be like our parents. I wish your circumstances were different. Irregardless, maybe you should talk to a professional who can give you tools to quell your anger and insecurity so that a healthy relationship can be yours. Just because mom was torture doesn't mean everyone else is. This is our cross to bear until we truly let go and start living. All my best wishes for you, dear.

Way to go! I had the same problem with my dad and it has affected me really bad but i have finally let that go. Effects are still there but at least they Re not getting worse

Thanks!!!!! This validation makes me feel justified in my decision. And it's PRICELESS. I hope that in your case, as it has been for me: the more distance from her, the easier it gets to calm the effects of such horrific abuse. Godspeed, your kind words are EVERYTHING.

omg... that sounds like me, i bet your mom was the sociopath and you're the bpd.

Uhm...people that suffer from BPD typically suffer from intense anger, irritability, impulsivity and instability. This is a cluster-B personality disorder. People with BPD don't feel 'sorry' in my opinion the author doesn't sound like she suffers from BPD...even comparing the DSM-5/TR to the ICD-10. Criteria is almost hand in hand in both.

However, she probably does suffer residual effects from the trauma endured as a child. Be it PTSD or Adjustment Disorder.

Again, just my Opinion.

that's not always the case. I was a borderline to a sociopath parent and i found myself always saying sorry and careful not to offend my mother sociopaths give you feelings of guilt and manipulate to the max. you'll end up overly sensitive and the extreme anger outburst come after the ''i'm sorry''

I'm not the BPD, she has been formally diagnosed. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I've done years of therapy and anti depressants. My depression directly stems from not feeling safe and secure as a child. So thAnk you for the clarification. I think you understood what I was sharing.

You have my support, dear. I deal with kids on a daily basis that come from all sorts of shattered homes. I can clearly see you are not BPD, you fit none of the criteria. I even compared my DSM-5 to the ICD-10 and I stand by my opinion. Residual trauma manifested as depression. It's unfortunately a classic case, and how the cycles of dysfunction keep winding. I think you are coming a long way. You deserve to be happy, and you have the right to be selfish in the attempt to heal yourself and be happy. Have youayne considered a psychotherapy session 1-2x a month? Not because you need it, but as a way to continue to purge the toxicity of your childhood out. Best Wishes.

yes, and i am, sorry you had to grow up in such awful circumstances. I hope things get better for you, if you someone to talk to, pm me.

Thank you for your kind words! I am available for you as well!

Ps I still take an anti depressant, but I'm no longer considered 'clinically' depressed. I take it to make sure it stays that way.

I'm not currently seeing a professional counselor. I'm really at a good place right now, but that could change. I keep an eagle eye on my depression, but if it returns I will return to a counselor. To be honest, talking with other survivors has been the most help to me. I do still see a psychiatrist, for my medication. I understand that it will be work for the rest of my life, but beyond worth it! Happiness is so precious. Take care my friend.

5 More Responses

Well that alright when you happy.. it hard to forget the past.. even i had the bad past.. and i still find hard to forget.. its like just affecting our mind and brain... and still you live your life happily.. which is more important.. even am happy now.:)

Make no mistake, I will never forget. It is exactly because I remember that I can be happy now. I empowered myself with those memories, fully aware that none of it was my fault.

Oh honey. I know all to well what you're going through. My mother is an unmedicated Bipolar that rapid cycles on top of it all. She remarried when in was 5, blaming me for my father leaving because she became pregnant again and never wanted me. So the nextan she marries is a convicted child you can imagine my life from 5 on. I'm here if you want to talk...

MIne is a rapid cycling, unmedicated

Try again!
Mine is also unmedicated and rapid cycling. We never knew who would walk out of her room in the morning, a raging harpy or Betty friggin Crocker. I was more of a parent to her and my sister than she was from an extremely young age. My father just pacified her my whole life. We all did, our family revolved around her drama. There was no room for anyone else...only her. There are entire chunks of my childhood I believe I have blocked from memory and cannot remember. We are kindred spirits, because I was molested at 10. I understand on a deep level how this can tear a person apart. Prayers for your happiness and well being, friend. Thank you for validating my feelings, that too in a way set me free. Hearing the awful stories that were so like mine was cathartic. Also hearing I'm not a monster for not having contact was extremely helpful.

You are so very welcome and we can communicate any time. I believe our lives parralled. I never knew which mother was going to wake up, and she had my youngest brother when I was 9. So I became a caregiver as she had PPD, and the same time I was trying my best to fight off the predation of my step dad. I lived it for 8 years because I was too scared to leave my brother with them, and terrified to try to speak out. The one time I tried to tell the school counselor she called a meeting with my Mom...yea that night was one of the worst in my entire life. I've had Psychiatrist tell me it's a miracle I'm not totally messed up. I simply didn't want to be a victim, or survivor... I just wanted to be me.

My mother also has borderline personality disorder as well as both grandmas and my aunt. I know how everything feels and how you can get sucked down the same path as a full on border. There will be times you will not be happy again and in crucial to know what keeps you stable and happy. Know your patterns and what causes you to react in any way good or bad. Finding relief is so important too. You cant fight then you have to alter a presentation to fudge how they react to things. Im sorry it has to be like this but you can never trust them or when they will turn on you. Stay strong and know you are a survivor.

I am a survivor! I struggle sometimes, wondering if I was just a cold ***** who won't talk to her parents. Reading these stories, knowing I was never really alone, it overwhelms me. Because you can't trust them, ever. There is no relationship, that implies a two way street. It can never be about anyone else but her, and that's not a relationship. That's a black hole of need and greed and hate. I'm no longer depressed but I still take my medicine because I know there will be times when I doubt myself. What's really good is that my lows are not staying, because I can deal with my issues without worrying how it may effect her. Your words of encouragement humble me, thank you doesn't seem enough, fellow survivor.

If your not like them and your aware of the disease by fully understanding it, its something to jump up and down for. You need to know they dont mean anything, that does not they can be trusted, but a trigger makes them flip into a mode. If you look at it as more of a sad thing do you think that will make you feel better? And i may seem like they all hate but they dont. They do feel guilt and sadness too. They just dont ever feel like they are in a place to show that because i could be "dangerous" for them. Its very smart and brave thing to do not to talk to them. Anyone with a brain would do the same thing but you wondering about it just shows you care about people.

Growing up with those surroundings must have been very difficult for you. You seem to be happy to let go of them. That, in itself, is a victory. Now the only thing you can do, is to move forward with your life happily =)

hello marcybrawner me his my wifes sissy adultbaby 247 so will you please chat with me fwiend glencoe2

I'm not understanding you, maybe you could clarify what you posted earlier.

Maybe you are confused, I am NOT an adult baby, nor do I have ANY desire to be an adult baby. That's kind of out of my comfort zone. Please find another to chat with, thank you I'm advance.