My boyfriend and I constantly have arguments over the fact that I cry when we have disagreements or when he says something honest that hurts my feelings.

Last night, we were on the phone and he started to say something and then said never mind and I kept asking him to tell me what it was, and he finally raised his voice and told me to stop. I started to tear up and he knew because my voice started to change. It got awkward and quiet so we hung up and I called him back when I wasn't tearing up anymore.

When we were back on the phone, he told me he feels as though he always has to tip toe around me and watch what he says because I'll overreact and get upset. He says he worries about our future together because he's scared I won't be able to handle things in the future. He used the example of if we ever had kids and how would he explain to our child that I was crying because we had a small misunderstanding.

I understand where he's coming from and I want to be stronger. I've tried things like pinching the skin between my thumb and index finger, pinching the bridge of my nose, thinking of something happy, redirecting my thoughts, raising my eyebrows, deep breathing exercises, and pushing my tongue onto the roof of my mouth. These didn't help me control my crying.

I'm desperate for some advice. I know therapy may help but right now I'm not a place in my life where I would have the money to go.

Any advice and suggestions and support would be appreciated. Thank you
superstarsam superstarsam
26-30, F
8 Responses Aug 19, 2014

I'm new to this whole thing so forgive me if I come off like a newbie in anyway!

I often have this problem with my boyfriend and I really relate to this because I'm also very sensitive and I sometimes start crying over the dumbest things. We're both terribly stubborn people and sometimes the way we phrase things is rough around the edges, but while he can smile it off, I often end up feeling very hurt. One problem I often have is once something has upset me that day, I become much more sensitive for the rest of the day and I sometimes feel like I ruin our days, and then I begin to feel guilty for getting upset in the first place -- it's a pretty vicious cycle.

My boyfriend talked to me about it once and I've been trying to get stronger, but sometimes it's incredibly hard to hold back tears, and like most sensitive people, I'm someone who takes a while to cool off.

I know it seems like nothing seems to work for you, but I'm sure you'll find something that will help you cool down! Some things I've found to work for me is taking a long shower/bath or turning to my go-to comfort foods; of course this will differ for you, but I personally have a hard time forcing myself to think about other things so showering especially helps me in that I do think about our conflict, but at the same time the warm water is relaxing me and I feel refreshed after having thought over things by myself. As for eating, well...nothing hits the spot for me like instant noodles...

I also think, though, that your boyfriend should try to be more understanding of the fact that you're sensitive. Maybe you two should try talking through not about the fact that you get upset, but about the best approach for when you are. You shouldn't feel like you're wrong for being sensitive in any way, because you're not. He should understand that you being sensitive is difficult for you as well and should try to work with you.

This used to be (and still slightly is) a pretty large problem in my relationship with my boyfriend but after we talked through it, he was able to figure out how to work with me when I get sensitive and what makes me smile even through my tears. I really hope the same will happen for you!

Never apologize for being a newbie! I am too :)
Thank you for your feedback. I think these are some great ideas. I often feel like I ruin our days too because of how sensitive I get. Sometimes we will also bicker when we are out in public so showering and eating aren't things I can do. But those are good ideas for when we are at home.
I'll definitely try your suggestions! Thank you

I am also very emotional, but I dont cry unless I am alone because you dont want ppl to think you are weak or cant handle these situations. Especially the person that you are in a relationship with, and when ur done crying u will reflect on why ur crying and most of the time ull come to the conclusion that u were either over thinking the situation, or that ur feeling a lot better when letting it out.

I am the same way. Exactly the same. My girlfriend yells at me. She has anger issues and she feels like I can't handle anything and she treats me like a child because she thinks she can't tell me things or I'll 'throw a fit'

The example he used is ridiculous! Whenever you have kids (hopefully not with him), when you cry, you tell them it's bc they make you so happy, that they are happy tears. You would never involve them in the arguments you have with your significant other. That's why it's so silly of an example. You don't need someone who can't understand you are sensitive. I am a crier to, and fortunately have never had to deal with someone who couldn't handle it or made me feel like I was abnormal for it. You be you and don't lose who you are over some man.

you dont need therapy for been you. There is nothing wrong with you tell you boyfriend to take a run and jump. Get some one that cares about you and your feelings

(Sorry for my poor english)
If he can't accept, that you are sensitive, leave him. But I think you are really strong. Maybe he made you sensitive... Anyway, he is propably not good boyfriend for you. :)

Sounds like emotional manipulation, and narcissistic qualities on your boyfriend´s side. You are your own person, and that has to be respected; take this gestalt prayer which is a 56-word statement by psychotherapist Fritz Perls: ´I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.´
The key idea of the statement is the focus on living in response to one's own needs, without projecting onto or taking introjects from others. It also expresses the idea that it is by fulfilling their own needs that people can help others do the same and create space for genuine contact; that is, when they "find each other, it's beautiful."
Your needs have to be expressed and respected, and if not, then he is not someone that is healthy for you. So the question is ´How do you break what is hurting you?´ You can remove yourself from what is hurting you - your boyfriend, or, if he is willing to listen, and you can speak your voice clearly, he may listen to you and change. We can chat if you need to. I´m always here =)

I have this same exact argument with my boyfriend all of the time. You are not alone! I also attribute my sensitivity to the fact that I'm an introvert. My boyfriend is not a very sensitive person, so when he says certain things, he doesn't intend to hurt me but it does and then I get upset. What I usually do then, before I get really upset and start crying, is find a place to sit by myself for a while and think things through. It's only when me and my boyfriend start talking about the problem that I start crying, so I need a little time to myself to think about things before I feel better and don't have to cry about it. I don't know if this might help you, but it helps me, so immediately once you feel like you are getting upset over something, tell your boyfriend to give you a few minutes to yourself and be by yourself. Afterwards, you'll hopefully feel better and can talk about it some more without getting so upset. Hope this helps!

This helps a lot actually. I feel as though that would help me. Also maybe while I'm sitting alone, writing down what goes through my head. Maybe not even to share it with him but to help me process my thoughts and get through the bad feelings before I have a calm talk with him.

A boyfriend should care about your feelings, and you would not require ´alone´time if he actually listened to you as you are.

He does care about my feelings. I know unhealthy relationships as I was in one before. I don't need to justify my relationship with him. My issue is that I want to become a stronger person and be able to handle talking to him without having tears fall down my face.

there is nothing wrong with tears falling down your face.

There's something wrong with them when they affect your quality of life. I can't talk about my emotions and how I feel without crying. When I cry, I can't talk about them because the crying takes over, so I tend to hold everything in. I want to be able to control my crying so I can work on my issues

They affect your quality of life, not because they are wrong, but because they are not allowed in your life. If you cannot be who you are, and you learn to suck up the tears, you will never be happy, because there will be no ´you´.

There will be a stronger, happier me because I'll be able to express my emotions without my tears getting in the way. I don't want to cut out crying fully from my life. Sometimes it's healthy to cry, but it's not healthy when it holds me back from expressing myself

ok, I hope you the best

Thank you

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