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The Rebirth Is Worth The Dearth

The closest thing I've ever had to a "fling" was developing a friendship that turned into more, with an adventurous lifeguard, in college. Before and after him was my first love, whom I met when we were thirteen. I once tried dating two people at once - not being intimate with either - and felt so uncomfortable "juggling" two guys that I broke up with both; leaving myself lonely and regretful, but relieved of the nagging monogamist MiniMe on my shoulder.

When I met my first husband, I appreciated his protective manliness; intelligence; honesty; generosity. He never played games and made me feel very special and wanted, always attentive and supportive; often surprising and wildly bold. We were together for 22 years before extenuating circumstances relegated us to roommate status.

Well, I was married and blew it. Other people get remarried but not ME, I declared.

Five months after my divorce I married my "soulmate" whom I'd met online. We were so compatible and he made beautiful promises about our life together, blending our families and working together in every way. Sharing everything.

NOT.

He was actually a sociopath operating in a vacuum with his sick mother, unstable ex, traumatized kids, and his various personalities; none of whom were real in any way. He took, took, hurt, neglected, abused, and took until I left. And he sneered as I limped away with bits of my heart and soul, empty pockets, and a devastated spirit.

Despite all this, however, I have complete faith that I will find true love. I know that when the time is right, it will happen with someone who deserves all I have to give and will gleefully reciprocate. We will be true PARTNERS. All my pain and the patience I must have now, are what I've needed to endure to bring me to my destiny - and this woman and one very special man are going to be one very ecstatic couple!
girlcapitol girlcapitol 51-55, F 12 Responses Mar 19, 2011

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This really can happen! Chase your dream, it might come true!
I met someone here on ep, who needed three hubs to finally get a very sweet late hubs. They hadn't many years together but she said, it was the most wonderful love of her life.

Awesome ~ wish they'd had all the time they deserve, though! Thanks for the comment and support, Ricki! xxoo

I wish you luck on finding Mr. Right! ;-)

I appreciate that! :) I wish you all the happiness possible as well.

Thanks! I stuck in a longterm marriage but better than being alone...

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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans - John Lennon.

Hmmm... choices ~ that would be nice, Osc-y!!!!<br />
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You make it sound like I have some kind of social life going on, that I could join in on, if I so chose!<br />
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I wish... but seriously, I know I have created an invisa-shield of sorts until my divorce is final and I have met some of my personal goals around home and work.<br />
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There is no doubt in my mind about my ability to love, and it is probably impossible to reduce the extent to which I naturally love (which is wholly and truly!) but I admit to having developed a trust issue.<br />
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Learning to trust my instincts after ignoring their wisdom time and again is a lesson I've taken to heart. This will go a long way toward keeping me from allowing iffy involvements to deepen and continue, despite strong misgivings and nagging reservations about the future.<br />
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As for one-way love or adoration, I wouldn't wish that on anyone! Reminds me of my first luvvv pangs in fourth grade! Ouch...<br />
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Thanks for sharing and engaging!

The image of you rollerblading toward the rainbow (but really about to receive the skunk's special warning) is like the delightful sicky-sweet "Littlest Elf" scene at the beginning of the film "A Series of Unfortunate Events." The turn of events and disillusionment is exceptional.<br />
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I'm more optimistic about love than your ex<x>pression of its impotence or its propensity to mislead, but then again I might be a sociopath who encourages you to love again, only to do and be what you should guard against. Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from making mistakes. Hang in there; you seem pretty lovable even if you doubt or supress your cabability to love. There are worse things than being adored by men you don't love back. <br />
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Just enjoy that you get to choose, even if you choose no one at this moment.

Oscar, I appreciate that very much. In my wilde-est dreams I never thought I'd do this, or be that, or deal with certain issues in a relationship, ETC. But "love" sure can spin you 'round. Fantastic when it's right; nothing more devastating than it disintegrating into a pile of detritus topped with pain and shreds of your soul. <br />
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I saw lots of warning signs but truly believed love could conquer all. Well, IT CAN'T. It can't even touch souls that are damaged and ill, and operate only on their own behalf.<br />
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Forward is the only way to go when you are roller-blading toward a rainbow and a skunk drags his stench behind him and then sprays you because he assumes you are like all his past threats.

Sensing there were thing going on in my life a few years ago that I wasn't handling very well, I had a few visits with a therapist. His assessment on my graduation day (no more visits needed): "considering what you've been through, I'd say you have your head screwed on pretty straight." I extend the same observation to you. None of us is entirely innocent victim or evil perpetrator (well, very few anyway). You seem to be moving forward in life, rather than standing still or moving backward, and I admire you for it.

So kind of you........:)

Thank you, you too!!!

Great write Bravo ! God bless you :)

Skrc4u and Osb57: Thank you both so very much!!!! That really means a lot to me!!!! xxoo

WOW powerful stuff Capitol! I do feel your resolve and you are obviously very determined! I hope you find that special man and he does work out! I was drawn to your writing it is full of feeling that comes right off the screen and touches the reader!

Deep irony and your courage can provide you whatever you want but have strong will power thinking that your goal is standing infront of you yearning to accept.I like your story and want to be your friend.