Sexless Relationship Turned To Sexless Spouse

My story seems to be unique according to the postings.

I had a relationship before my current one, it was with a man who wanted sexual congress, to be part of making a good home, and who loved me incredibly. Unfortunately, at that time I was sexless. I tried hard. I let him use me and put up with things. However, sex hurt because I wasn't turned on and despite the physical wetness from direct stimulation other parts of me wouldn't respond. I ended that relationship because he was becoming depressed, blaming himself for my sexless nature. I didn't want him to feel that way and recognized the destructive cycle.

I moved onto a relationship where both my current husband and I were basically sexless. At first sex was quarterly and sometimes in spurts. The total was always under 10 encounters a year. Then we went a year without sex and neither of noticed. Eventually I couldn't tell you exactly how long we had been without sex. Every once in a long while something would happen, but it was almost never fulfilling for him. For some reason it was for me.

One day my body learned how to tell me that I had abused it. I had damaged my pelvic floor. I didn't know how to self-manipulate and most certainly couldn't do a Kegel exercise. Months of trying to learn Kegels and believing that I still didn't want sexual contact... The Kegels weren't and still aren't enough. The floor had weakened too far. Eventually I awakened to the fact that sex was a need. The physical stimulation may have been a catalyst, but the physical need was the real the life changer.

My partner did not go through a sexual awakening with me. In fact, until about 4 months ago I thought he couldn't self satisfy either, then I found out that not only could he, but he even daydreamed sexual encounters (with females) when he did.

However, some other things happened these past two years. My husband and I tried hard to fix things, to explore and to determine whether or not there was a future. We found a way, and as hard as it is, it is worth it. My husband remains sexless. I am mostly without an in-person sexual partner. However, I have a partner in a different province who is also married. He and his wife are dedicated to keeping my husband and I together and I am dedicated to keeping my partner and his wife together. There are medical reasons that my partner's wife has limits to her sexual expression. My husband won't find out if there are medical reasons, but we suspect there are and leave it at that. My confidence has come back, my husband can take me saying "I'm horny" and going into my room to deal with it, and he knows I love him. On the rare occasion I go see my partner, and in exchange my husband is free to see a partner even though he has no interest. However, the bits of loving support that my husband can't provide have been filled in. Kisses in the morning may come in the form of an online message, but they exist. My partner was able to further sexually awaken me, even allowing me to grow enough to discover ways that I could take care of myself -- which was huge and took many months and backslides, sometimes I still worry that I'll backslide again.

Currently my husband provides:
very close cuddles, almost platonic kisses, discussion, shared life goals, shared finances (no, he isn't the sole provider), a drive to be a better person, all of that husband/wife talk that I have learned to truly value like taking care of the car and bills, tons of support including when I was going to University and working F/T, and tons and tons of love.

My partner provides:
reminders of what a sensual relationship should include, so many of the little things a husband and wife should share like kisses, sensual talk, sexual direction, and to the best of our ability through time and space, sexual pleasure.

I provide:
2 families with all the support, love, and attention I can muster, including a friendship with my partner's wife.

This solution is not the solution for everyone, but it may be good for people to know that couples can come together to support both relationships successfully.
lorienrm lorienrm
36-40, F
Jan 6, 2013