Since 4 Or 5

I was sexually abused since the age of 4 or 5 and maybe even before that.

I remember being in a bath tub and my mum saying "where did she get this from" and my vagina was sore with congealed blood I was little and crying about 4 or 5 maybe.

I was sexually assaulted at my cousins place in 1975 - something went on there at mary and phils place and I was very upset
they picked on me and hurt me and never liked me - the abuse got worse as the years went on.

My great uncle , bill started sexually abusing me at 4 on the farm and bit by bit it progressed and we lived in mitchel st when he started putting his hands in my pants and I felt so dirty and abused I felt like I was going to die I still remeber that feeling so painful and shameful. I was such a silly little girl. I did what I was told to do.

I felt like all anyone ever did was make fun of me...the pain of the abuse was a night mear it got worse, I was being sexually abused by my older cousin and my sister, then a close friend of the family who also bashed me up around the time his father died.

I felt so locked away from anyone- no one would belive me or help me. I was a ugly mongrol child to be forgotten.

people seemed to enjoy hurting this ugly little sad and lonely red hair mongrol kid.

bill would make me touch him, he would push me around and could be violent at times. he would get dirty magazines and want to act them out on me- I felt a mixture of feelings...sometimes my body was feeling the pleasure and most of the time their was pain. I hated him touching me I hated my body. I hated what others refused to see was happening. I felt angry at the adults around me for not helping me or trusting me or believing in me.

he would want me to do things I didn't like and I don't know why I did them sometimes. it was fear - he'd say to me this is our special game or our litttle secret and if you tell you will get into trouble. there was big power differentials and he was a big man iwas only little. he'd push my head to him and his penis and come up and touch me. he'd say to me "I'll get you when you least expect it" that phrase still haunts me today. that feeling of being caught unexpected and defenseless is scarey and frightening to a child and even now.

when I was about 15 I was able to stand up to him and say "NO" I felt dirty and bad even for that.

then I was being sexually abused by another uncle who at parties was shoving things up my dress and touching my crutch.  I felt so dirty and with every assault I began to die inside...loose confidence and shut down completely.  don't knowing who to trust.

my sister used to push her stupid male friends on to me- ones she'd never consider going out with it, and any of her rejects she'd push at me - one of her male friends even assaulted me and was very bullying and she didn't care. she used to push bill onto me too while she'd go out with young handsome guys. 
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Jul 18, 2010