Living In Shame Alone

the pain never really goes away. I feel so hurt by my childhood and the sex abuse. for too long I blamed myself. but today I realize I was the victim of others abuse. and yes, corny it maybe but I am a surviver...well, trying to be.

I need to have my story heard and understood, I need to feel accepted as I am. I need to heal my own way.

a good part of 10-15 years of my life was swallowed up in the abuse. i try hard to not feel the shame these days. sometimes its there no matter what.

how can a five year old child make analytical or moral decisions about what is happening to them. i just did what I was told to do cuz I was a obiediant child for the most part of my childhood.

i wish someone had of been standing up for me and supporting my values and my welfare as a child.

I felt I had no real identity. I never had any pictures of me as a baby and both my sister and brother did.

I was being sexually abused by bill, and my older cousins, and looking back even the words and emotional actions of others were just as abusive.

I may have been a mongol ugly red haired kid but did that give them the right to sexually assault me and wound my pride and self confidence. I was always shut out of everything. my sister used to play mind games and set bill up to molest me. she 'd say oh, he wants a kiss or a cuddle ofr this, and leave me to be the victim while she went of laughing and getting hot young guys running after her and making out she was the poor picked on one. she still does this today, i wish someone would confront her and stop her.

but i now realize my older cousins and uncles and auntys were doing it to me too. lying about me. why didn't anyone stand up to them.
is the shame all mine that I was being abused? why didn't anyone help me and save me from bill or ron, and any of the others.

why do peopple still ignore me? why don't my relatives want to know me or my godparents? but my sister and brother know theres?
why did my older cousins treat me as if spastic and my uncles and aunts abuse me? why didn't anyone stop them and censure their behaviour?

bill kept molesting me almost daily and no one csred and still no one cres about me but only my sister and cousins??? why?


since being raped I feel more bitter. the stroke has taken as much as bill and ron and brig and the other did.

I can't just forgive. i was raped as a virgin and when I came to on the floor I had blood in my vagina and on the floor. i just kept thinking "what am I doing here? with this strange man? a stranger. how did i get here, who is he?" the pain was so bad, to my head and still no one cared.

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Jul 18, 2010