Lived Shame

I was abused as young as 4years of age by many family in-laws and the earliest memory I have is being in a bath with congealed blood in my virgina and my mum saying to my dad "where did she get that from?" I remember feeling overwhelming fear, and crying not being able to tell them.

By the age of 7, I was being sexually abused on a daily basis by my great uncle, and had endured regular abuse from both him and my grandmother who were both
serve alcoholics. When I was 4 or 5 my grandmother was so drunk she burnt the house down, or someone had deliberately lit it, we don't know - but that event changed
my life significantly.
Both my sister, and I were going thru regular abuse, but later it was revealed this same abuser had molested many kids, including my father and his sister as children
I often used to escape into a fantasy world to deal with the abuse. It was very shameful and dirty, having an alcoholic smelly urine saturated old man constantly
touching my genitals and forcing me to touch his genitals or kiss him and he was prone to violence. Push my head to his crutch. Or want to act out dirty magazines on me.
He often had epilepsy and could develop a terrible temper.
My grandmother used to encourage the abuse. This had devastating affect on my sense of trust with people. I often felt so dirty, I couldn't sleep at night, and would sleep
on my mothers bedroom floor. She'd hold my hand til I fell asleep.
A family friend committed suicide when I was 7 and that upset me so much but I hid that from so many people after one day his son bashed me up.

It seemed to be around 7 when everything broke down for me. My aunty was ill with breast cancer at the same time. The members of those families just started attacking me like a pack of vultures. In the end I was being molested by 5 different people, some were teenagers of the deceased. There were family arguments, and the parties we went to would just ended in punch ups and further abuse. I have never enjoyed parties much as I often came away feeling so degridated and abuse. On one occasion, I was so afraid I vomited over my dress as this big man, was trying to tip over the car with us in it.
I had overwhelming fears all through my schooling and was in a car accident
when I was about 19 years old. I have physically hurt myself when my university marks were bad, and I just don't even think that I can begin to describe the amount of self hate
and loss of life I went thru. During my teens and twenties were some of the lonely at times. I had a social phobia and felt such deep embarrassment that I was carrying around
a very shame and guilt based personality from childhood. I never really had many friends, and found it hard to keep jobs, stick to friendships, courses, even fun activities and
there was no real space in my life for romantic interests. I lacked self confidence to even try with guys. And I often battled depression, poor health and weight gain. The weight
gain was a way for me to protect myself against sexual attention. Often at parties another uncle sexually assaulted me.

I often call this satanic ritual abuse because there were members of my family in-laws and friends would treated me so badly, because it felt so controlled cyclic and gang mentality.
I think they often forgot that I was only a little girl back in the 70's and 80's. When my great uncle started molesting me daily and during my grade 3 I felt like I had a
nervous breakdown, with all this death, and arguments and sex abuse my marks at school really started to suffer significantly. I recall loosing it one day after my aunty and
Werner died, I got under a table to hide and cry, I was so apart, I began splitting - this is where the fantasy world of pretending that these things were happening to someone else became a mechanism to cope with the trauma. This is were I developed a very low self esteem.
I felt like I was sinning against god letting him abuse me, I tried so often to make him stop. He would say "this is our little secret. this is our special game, shh don't tell anyone, you'll get into trouble if you do". I had my first ****** at the age of 6 or 7, once again I felt like I had sinned against god. I tried to tell teachers and no one wanted to listen or help- one time I was told out right I wasn't believed. That undermined my sense of reality.
I missed a lot of schooling and was suffering from a panic disorder but I had no idea what it was, all I knew was I got so nervous, frightened, would shake uncontrollably
and feel like my head was swimming and I was going to chock or have an epileptic fit or faint. My shyness was overwhelming and when I was moved to a catholic school I was behind in so much work compared to them, I had to work extra hard to get up to their level. My shyness was labelled by a priest as a sin. This made me feel a "bad" person. I was assaulted at the catholic school and left during year 9 and later continued
by correspondence and somehow I managed to go to university but never completed any study, as the trauma of the abuse never left me.
In my teens I would avoid being around the people. When I was 14, I was able to stand up to my great uncle and say "NO" to any of his sexual advances. I kept the abuse a secret for so long, my parents did believe me when it all came out when I was 25, and my sister had had a nervous breakdown after her marriage broke up. That’s when my university work started failing again, and later it got worse after my grandmother died and when I was assaulted I was later raped, and had a mild stroke/complete collapse. I was forced to give up my law degree.
I had bad experiences with counsellors and found the support groups and spiritual healing methods the best to help me. Reading the book "the courage to heal" and doing many of the work book exercises help me sort out my emotional state. I did go to a counsellor who only abused me further and would say demeaning things to me that hurt the very fabric of my personality and even today are not repaired. She didn't help me even though her husband was a police officer and we could have taken the main abuser to court as my
great uncle was still alive at the time. She would abuse me further when I told her another uncle of mine was sexually assaulting me as a teenager and into my twenties. I was even more afraid of him then I was of my great uncle, as he had a history of violence with regularly bashed his wife, and was very aggressive
- in and out of court cases for bad behaviour.
The sexual abuse and emotional abuse I went through for over 15years from the age of 4, from my uncle... has damaged my personality and left significant trust issues for me.
It has damaged my career, love and sex life, as I have been labelled either fidget or lesbian by people and that only adds to the hurt and frustrations I have endured. I have missed out on one a great deal of living life to the full potential I could have with many long summers, evenings and heartbreaks, birthdays etc alone.

I have no real friends and many of my so-called friends have been the first to take me down severely. I was a virgin technically til the age of 27 when raped.
When I was 26 I had a partial genital circumcision to open my virgina and had a full virginal examination I was still a virgin which was the worst thing to do. It was extremely painful and I still suffer pain from this today.
The best advice I can give anyone is get the help, tell your story. I left it too late to speak up and they got away with it. It has affected my health and income opportunities and self esteem. DON"T LIVE THE SHAME, as well as the abuse out of pride and fear as I did. Speak up. Taking the words from Forum Communicators: "I will speak up, when I ought to!"
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Jul 20, 2010