I Am An ****** Survivor

I am an ****** survivor and I will tell you this has been a very long journey with many twists and turns.  I wanted to share my story to possibly help another person who is struggling to come to grips and triumph over the hurt of abuse. I am just an ordinary person, but I believe my life has some meaning if I can help someone else through the process of healing.

My father died when I was 5 years old, so our family moved across the state to be near my mother's parents.  I am the youngest of 4  children with my siblings being 8 and 9 years older than I. We moved to a very quiet, religious, and "good place to grow up" community where I felt loved by my grandparents. After my dad's death, I would say my mom kindof turned away from me. She has confessed later that she resented still having me in the home to take care of.  She was overwhelmed with being a single mom and just wanted to be by herself.  She was by herself for awhile, but then decided to start to date again.  She was not home very much and sometimes would leave me for a couple of weeks  without telling me where she had gone. Her sister, my aunt, took care of me, but I felt abandoned by her actions of ignoring me and leaving me alone.  She dated several men and took me to one man's house, it was hell on earth the 1st time I met him.... He grabbed my crotch that 1st meeting and he had two teen boys that were scary.  Of course, this was the man she decided to marry.  My siblings left home immediately leaving me by myself to take on the stepdad and two stepbrothers. also, my mother's parents had both died since we had moved back. I think my grandparents probably would have gotten me out or would never let my mother marry such a fool.

I was twelve years old- and I lived in hell.My stepbrothers were incredibly mean and I would say now as I look back - both probably were mentally disturbed. One stepbrother, I believe, was a psychopath- he would rape a girl and have no remorse.  the other stepbrother was just a mean sob with no conscience. They were 2-3 years older and very strong. Their being in the home was very upsetting because I would lie in bed at night thinking one of them would at any time come in my room to bludgeon me. They were extremely dangerous young men because they did not care about anyone.   My stepdad was an uneducated racist who was as mean as a snake to his sons. He would beat and ridicule his sons constantly, so I was instantly terrified of him. He worked in a factory on the docks so he was physically very strong and big. My stepdad constantly(as in 2-3 times a day) was groping me and trying to kiss me. He would wait for me to come home from school and grab me and try to hump me in the middle of the day in the kitchen and insisted that was what I wanted to do. My mom was a walking zombie- she did not notice that her husband was trying to molest me all the time. Their bedroom was right next to mine and my stepdad would come into my room every single night to try/succeed to molest me. She never would listen to my pleas to her to make him stop. She would not talk to him about what I told her. She acted as if she was sleepwalking..... She could not/would not deal with the fact that her husband was a *********.   I think the worst time was when I was 13 and our house burned.. It was during the blizzard of 78 therefore, our "family" was forced to live in a 2 bedroom apartment- so I did not have a bedroom. So. all night, my stepdad would have easy access to me.  I tried to sleep in the closet to get away from him. I did get away for a week by walking through 3 ft of snow and bitter cold to a friend's house on the other side of town. During this time of my life, I was a straight A student, never got into trouble, I played sports and was very involved with my church. NO ONE could figure out how difficult my life was.   As God as my witness, the only thing that stopped this abuse 
after five years was my stepdad came into my room (after I screamed and cried all day at my family to make this abuse to stop)  to say "our relationship" was not working, so he had to leave my mother. I guess in his mind,  he and I had a "relationship".   I spent the next year- my sr year of high school learning to be a kid again.  I had a few people( from my school, church, sports) in my life during my abuse years that helped get away for the weekend or week.  These people knew something was wrong, but never asked me about it. They saved my life by helping me just when I had no more strength.  I am forever grateful to them.  I played sports, got a scholarship to college, and relaxed.  

I went to college and enjoyed my freedom- but I did not deal with my abuse until I graduated.   I never thought it was a huge deal until I tried to continue in my post graduate studies.  I was feeling pressure from my church and my post graduate work was extremely stressful. my life started to fall apart. I fell in love and all hell broke loose inside of me.  I never thought of myself as anything but an object- I had no gender /sexual identity.   I knew I could never let anyone love me. I could not allow myself to be anything but perfect.  I hated myself so much.  I was starting to exhibit two personalities- I could not speak full sentences...... I was an emotional mess.  

The good news was I went to therapy. I met others who had experienced the same pain and anguish. I went to a group once a week for 6 months and also saw a therapist at a women's center  every week for 3 years, I had some rough spots in my therapy... It was difficult, but  I had to go the therapy because I was worth it. I realized I had a lot to offer to this world. I started to believe I had worth and that people loved me for me, not for what I could give them. I met someone who loves me completely and absolutely. I found out I could love another in a pure/absolute way.  I left the church that was not supportive of me.  I quit relationships that were not healthy for me. I got involved with the community by volunteering.  I got creative and wrote poems and stories. I sang all the time to express myself.  Most of all I enjoyed life- I found out I loved to dance.  Dance helped me tremendously.
I think the single most helpful part of my therapy was to take ownership of my life now.  I had no control of my life when I was a kid, but as an adult I had to make decisions that were positive and healthy. I had to stand up to the effects of my abuse and leave them behind. If I continued to not take care of myself in a positive and good way, I was allowing my abuser to have a hold of me.  If I stayed crazy or hurt myself, I gave him power- that realization made me take bold steps in my life to get out of the grip/terror of abuse. I did not want him to control my life any longer.  He did try to contact me a few years ago to "start up our relationship".  At first this really scared me, then I remembered he now was an old man. I got a restraining order against him and told him that he needed to own up to the fact that he molested me for 5 years.  He denied it of course, but you know this phone call empowered me so much. I knew he did not scare me anymore.  This process took a few years, but I would say I have the tools to deal with the memories and effects of my abuse.   I have mended my relationship with my mom and I am free!    I recently was invited to ride 2000 miles on my bike to spread a positive message of giving to others- talk about a great experience!   I was able to share my  story with a group of kids who were in treatment for sexual abuse to tell them you can escape the grip of  the effects of sexual abuse.  

thank you for letting me share my experience. 

dwolf1 dwolf1
46-50, F
Jul 21, 2010