I Love a Good Bargin

i have struggled all my life with my obsessive and addictive personality....my main struggle has been eating and depression...but six months ago my psychiatrist hit upon the magic combination to really lift my depression and i stopped compulsively eating and became manic about complusively cleaning then it began....i couldn't say no any longer to things i have wanted and i began to use my credit card which i have had for over 14 years and never ran the credit to the max....i maxed it out and then maxed out a clothing store credit card ....then around the holidays i began to get and use other credit cards.....i always bought things on sale....i couldn't resist a good bargain....i felt that if i didn't get it now i would never get it.....this was fueled by my realization that no one was going to buy me anything i asked for and haven't had all these years....so it was up to me to get what i wanted....to give myself presents....in a way to take care of myself....rapidly my buying spun out of control and now i'm at least $20,000 in debt and i did it all in a matter of months.....i can't even tell you what all i got.....and the worse thing is that as much as i despise austerity (austerity ties in with how my mother is and treats me), i have sentenced myself to have to live austeriously for what 10 years while i chip away at this big debt.....i am on a very limited income and have to pay most of my food budget to cover credit card debt....the credit card companies do not care why you used their card....that i was manic....addicted....out of control.....they just care that you pay them on time or large unaffordable penalities ensue.....i am so afraid and remorseful....not about getting what i got.....i'm not sorry i got the things i wanted....i am sorry that i got it all at one time and can not seem to stop....i am sorry that i have to pay the credit card companies....i am fearful how bad this got before i came to my senses....and just yesterday i used the credit card again.....its twisted that i can't buy bread but i can, on credit go out to lunch and buy botanical prints....when i am doing this i am not acting in the framework of reality....i am in a wonderful world of experience and the gratification of getting a bargain and getting something i really wanted.....

please talk to me and tell me there is a way to stop.....when i try to say no to myself there is such a buildup of frustration and internal tantrum that i can't stand it....the release is to give in and buy just like before the release was to give in and eat.....is there any hope for me before i end up homeless and ironically lose everything i have gotten

robin robin
51-55, F
1 Response Jan 19, 2007

I let my credit go to hell intentionally. No credit=no debt. Just an idea.