Shopping Fills a Void
Hi everyone. Like most of us here, I too am a shopaholic. My therapist calls it a "compulsive shopper". That is accurate..not only am I a compulsive shopper, I am also a compulsive eater. So I stuff my hands, and my mouth. Not so good, is it???
I shop, I think because I am depressed and feel a void that I can't fill. I am married..but unhappily. I have 3 beautiful children and most of my shopping is for them. I want them to have the stuff I didn't have growing up. Never to run out of nice clothes to wear, have all the coolest toys their friends have. I wanted a baby girl so badly, so when my 3rd child was a girl, I could not and still can't buy enough clothes, jewelry and hair accessories for her.
But when I buy, and then I get home, I get so angry with myself. I feel guilt, anger, frustration and then fear. Fear of "what if he (my husband) finds out what I've done today?". I have maxed out all of my credit cards. I cannot maintain a balance in my bank account. I frequently overdraw into my savings account.
WHY?? Why do I continue to do this? We are in a bad financial situation right now, and I know that. Yet..I cannot stop myself. My therapist tells me I need to find another "outlet" for my time. I am a stay home mom, and I really have no true hobbies. My kids are my life. She tells me to take up a hobby to fill my time. I just dont see that being a solution. To have a hobby, you have to invest in a hobby..which means spending, which means I would just go overboard.
Honestly..I am starting to really feel like I hate my life. I dont love my husband, I have no real skills that would help me to get a job...I cant control my spending, I cant control my eating, I am overweight, undereducated (only high school diploma), and have NO self-esteem. I want to set a better example for my kids, yet I just dont know how to change. My therapist is trying..but I just dont think things are clicking in my head yet.
Thanks for letting me vent.