In the Truest Meaning of the Word.

I haven't been out in society in over a month, before that it was close to 6 years. I get my groceries, meds, and anything else I may need delivered. I have 4 people in my life at this point and none of them have any true relationship to me, well my therapist does.... kinda.

It took me 6 years to get back to the point where I could go out without having a panic attack. I went out with a good friend of mine 4 and 1/2 weeks ago and had something happen that has set me back. I am of the mindset right now that I will never go out into society again as long as I live!

The 4 people in my life right now, my doctor who comes to see me once a month, unless I call her because I'm sick. My therapist who I talk on the phone with 3 times a week now and she comes to see me once a month as well (last friday of every month). The other 2 people are delivery boys. One delivers my groceries every other Wednesday, and the other delivers my meds and anything else I need once a month (usually the first Monday).

That is my life in a nutshell. I don't stay inside, I have a lot of land and spend quite a bit of time out enjoying it. I have a huge deck that I spend a lot of time sitting out on. I just don't go out into society.... I don't trust easily, especially now. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again, at least not in person. It will make for a lonely life, but at least I'll be safe (somewhat) and know where most of my dangers and demons are. You know that saying... Better the devil you know then the one you don't.



Sylverwynd Sylverwynd
31-35, F
10 Responses Apr 7, 2008

Just a hello and hope ur doing ok Peace and love dear

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I'm a shut in too. I'm 40 years old. I have one daughter who was taken away from me. ahh, screw it. no one will write back.

what happened?

I am a shut in due to illness, but I'm finding more and more that I just like it this way. I don't have to explain why I'm covered up to stay safe from light. I don't have to explain my service animal. I don't have to make excuse after excuse for a life and situation that I've dealt with since birth, quite contentedly. I don't have to tell people that I won't get better or make them feel better about MY condition or their feelings of inadequacy as I rush about doing 10 times more than they can with perfect health in a quarter the time... Best of all, I don't have to argue with my husband about how much he stresses when I am out, only to have him stress when I DON"t get out. I mean really? Is life truly that hard for an able bodied person that s/he can't just let you move on with your life in peace?<br />
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Don't like to be out and around people? Good for you!

I'm relieved to know I am not the only person living this way. I rarely leave my home either. I walk my dog to the duck pond a couple of blocks from my home, but have not gone farther than that for the better part of a year. I haven't been able to work for over a year, which causes a lot of guilt. which in turn increases the anxiety, panic attacks,and depression. I feel like I'm on the the inside looking out at the rest of the world. I have no desire to be part of society. To say I have trust issues is somewhat of an under statement.

Out of curiosity, how are you doing now?

LWB, thank you. My land is beautiful and I do have some quality of peace here. My father gave me the means to be able to protect myself and I took it. It is lonely at times, but it's a small price to pay in order to have peace within myself. :-)<br />
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My father left me some money, I work from home doing proofreading and billing. I also have a head for money management. :) Makes my life a bit easier.

Out of curiosity, how do you finance this?

I am this way too but I live in the big city and stay inside alot. I rarely go out unless I really have too. I also feel safer that way, I have major trust issues and am very careful and wary of people