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Sophi's Choice

Home is my sanctuary. My day dreams are spent on visions of my dream home. It is not a mansion or luxurious, but it has all the conveniences I want, and it is laid out and decorated the way I want it to be. It has quaint garden areas and patios surrounding it, and it is close enough to a metropolis for the benefits, but far enough away to escape the drama There is no one in my house except me and my cats. My children visit, and three of my four cats belong to my youngest daughter whose work day is too long to properly care for them. My husband visits. He lives and works in another state. I have three siblings, but we do not speak. My mother is still alive, but our relationship ebbs in and out of being strained. and I live nearly three thousand miles away from her.

I like living alone. I only have me to clean up after. I only have me to shop and cook for. I only have my noise to listen to. I can walk around the house naked when I feel like it. I do not have to talk to anyone if I do not want to. Many days I do not leave my home. I do my work from my home and only an occasional assignment or meeting causes me to leave my home for work. There are the periodic trips to the store for food and medicinals or to buy business supplies, empty the post office box, or send a package. I do like to see what is new in the business supply stores, food stores, and specialty stores. I like thrift stores, and another man's junk does become my treasure. I do like having guests, but only my family. I have very few friends or acquaintances who I would welcome into my home. I do not own a television. I listen to radio online and audio books, read paper books, listen to music, and go to church online. I love being able to download stuff off of my computer or have things delivered to my door.

I did not use to be this way, but I find I am happier this way and therefore I choose to be this way. It is Sophi's choice to be a shut-in. I have always felt alone in a crowd. I have always been sensitive to the negative comments of others because I did not experience being accepted by others during my lifetime. My mother still tells me I am different, and I will never fit in. Hence the strain in our relationship. My full brother tells me my shoes are too big to fill and he is rude to me and very competitive with me. I am the oldest of my father's four children and my mother's two children. I am seventeen and nineteen years older than my two half siblings, who I raised but will not give me the time of day. Some people who have crossed my path in life have called me Einstein or Encyclopedia Brown or Rembrandt. Sometimes it was a compliment and sometimes it was meant as an insult.

When I was 44, I was date raped. This was the third rape in my life. Two months prior to the incident I found out I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is high functioning autism, if you are unaware of the pervasive disorder. Knowing I am an Aspie was a nice revelation because it helped me to give reason for some of the behaviors I have which are uncommon to most. It explains my Einstein, Encyclopedia Brown, and Rembrandt comparisons. It explains why I can have relationship challenges. It gave me a feeling of peace about myself. I am okay, the rest of the world has gone tilt because they can not accept those who are different. So sweet, so kind, so gentle, so pretty, so sexy am I, but I dance to a different drummer.

Recently, I was diagnosed with six food allergies, 23 environmental allergies, and COPD. These diagnosis and the physical impairment my body incurred as the aftermath of being rear ended at a stop light have given me physical reasons to build a sanctuary and stay at home. So lately, I have been going through self discovery. I guess it is something people do at fifty years old. It does not feel like a mid-life crisis to me. It is more of an awakening to my reality. Therefore, I have given up on trying to fit in, getting a regular job, or mingling in society. I have decided to get over my fear of success, and go to work for myself. I am very good at helping others through their trials. This time I am going to be my own client and help myself. I have gotten started on this venture, and my first web site for my working from home new me can be found at http://mynetbucks.ws. The site is not finished yet, but I am feeling good about it. It is the doorway to my future life as a recluse because this is Sophi's choice.
Sophora Sophora 46-50 May 14, 2012

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