Not Sure Where I'm Going With My Life

I'm not really sure where to start with this, the only reason I'm writing this is because I want to get it off my chest I suppose. Though perhaps not a complete shut-in, I can safely say if it weren't for my family chances are highly likely I would hardly ever see sunlight.

It's hard for me to remember when I lost my courage and motivation to go out and socialise with people. In fact, I don't think I've ever really been one that eagerly went outside to begin with, even when I was very little it were friends from school that had to try really hard to come and get me outside to play. I suppose back then I was able to at least keep a façade going of being a social creature, though that quickly got eradicated with age.

After the age of 14 I belief, I never really left the house other than when I was 'forced' to do so. Weekends and school holidays I never left my room, I always had a lot of 'friends' but it would be more accurate to say I connected with people so I would fit in. Though after I made the decision to quit school when I was 18, even that has been completely removed from my life.

I consider myself to be really young still, but when I look at my life, I haven't done anything with it at all. Aside from family gatherings and other things I cannot avoid, I stay inside my room and spent hours on end just behind my computer. I try avoiding going outside as much as I can, I still go to the shops, usually to buy cigarettes, but even then I delay as much as I possibly can.

I sometimes wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I have a loving family, people generally seem to enjoy my presence and in terms of body I am really tall. Nevertheless, people genuinely frighten the living hell out of me and I cannot help it. I regularly talk to friends I've made while playing video games, but those are people I have never met face to face and chances are high I never will.

I think what gets to me the most is that I cannot find the reason why I feel the way I do, but I am simply incapable of showing and sharing my emotions with other people. I'm sure if it wasn't for my family, I would've gone clinically insane a long time ago. I find myself incapable of trusting people, even if they give me every reason to.

Sadly enough none of this is even the cause of real-life experiences. If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I have a great deal of empathy. Of course, it's something I am incapable of showing others, I frequently cry over the silliest thing, but only when I'm all alone in my dark room.

Another thing I know about myself, is I simply think too much. I think all the time, constantly, unless I am distracted myself by playing games, my mind is in chaos. The main reason I keep myself locked in my room is not because I have been hurt in the past, it's because I'm deadly afraid of being hurt.

Never in my life have I opened up entirely or even slightly to anyone and the fear that when I do, it might blow right back up in my face, is something I am deadly afraid of. It doesn't help that I'm completely aware that the way I think is eccentric at best. For example, I long for romance you find in stories, but whenever a girl made it clear she was interested in me, I completely shut down and turned them away.

I remember when I was really young, I always dreamt of starting a family, but now that I'm 21 and still didn't even hold hands with a girl, I have started to give up on the idea. I'm also painfully aware that my generation and those younger than mine treat sexuality very lightly. I wouldn't even know how to admit to anyone that I haven't even as much as kissed a girl.

I also want to travel with someone to as many countries as I can, ironically enough, but that is generally what I do, dream about life and not actually doing it. My sister used to constantly tell me to 'just do it', but to me that's asking the impossible.

Even as I wrote all this, I still feel like I'm purposely ignoring half of what's going on in my mind. I could probably write another five pages and still have it amount to absolutely nothing.

Instead I will go back to what I always do, play my videogames and completely forget about everything, until I find myself getting depressed during a moment of clarity, wondering what I'm doing with my life.
QuestionableExistance QuestionableExistance
18-21, M
4 Responses Aug 20, 2012

You might be a HSP.

Reading your story. I am brought to tears because your situation is almost like mine. I don't know why but I know I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I think and think and think about little stupid details. It drives me crazy. I can get emotional just sending a postcard and looking at my handwriting. Thinking whoever I send it too will hate me just based on that. That's the kind of stuff I really hate thinking about.

You have it good. I mean you are still young. I am in my late 20's going to my 30's. And I have only kissed a girl and that's it. I do have bouts where I get extremely lonely and just cry. The worst is knowing you are over thinking stupid stuff. It makes every day interaction just horrible.

It's hard being who you are when you over think everything. Sometimes I do wish I had a relationship with a girl who understood me. I too even long for a romance you would see on the tv screen or movie screen or even in a book. But the reality is that's not how it works. You need to put yourself out there and hope for the best. I blame myself for being single. And the days when I think about it, I just get so emotional.

I have lost friends. I have probably lost alot of opportunities to better myself I think. It always makes me pissed.

I have been forcing myself to do things I DO NOT like. I forced myself to talk to a friend on Skype. I forced myself to talk to another friend on the phone for more than an hour. I will tell you this I felt better about myself after I did those two things. Sadly it was temporary but I loved how I felt about myself after those two things. I continue to do things I do not like. Like go out in public with a pimple. Or go out when there's alot of people out. I know it will be awhile but it's the little steps that are hard.

Sorry I just totally went off there. You are not alone. There are people out there like you. There are people out there like me. We may not be the same in some aspects. But we do share that we somehow want to be NORMAL. Who knows if that will ever be possible. But you can do it. It will be hard. It will take time. But if you are willing, you can do anything.

Seriously reading the book "The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron" really opened my eyes to I'm not alone. You should definitely give it a shot. I am trying to control these over thinking periods and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

Finding out I was a highly sensitive person and picking up "The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide" has helped figure out who I am, I wish I found this out a while ago. I've been reading it for about a week or two. And just wanted to thank you for this post. I feel like I was looking for this, but was looking in all the wrong places. Once again, thank you. It's been life changing.

I Have the same feeling as you are about my self and I also a shut in too, the pattern of life and the way of thinking is kinda same.<br />
<br />
I hope we can change our life and enjoy it

I'm so sad for you. There is so much fun in life. I'm stuck in bed due to taking a medication that caused the matrix of my thigh bones to become honey comb like. I do have many health problems, mostly genetic, so having limitations is really not new but always before I too could put on an optomistic face and make others laugh. I am often told that "at least I have a good outlook", however, I am sure that the antidepressant med is helping the most. But for me this experience started on Easter when I had two of our Grandchildren sitting on my lap and both leg bones snapped, fractured, and I was unable to stand. The pain was excurciating. I managed to keep the children from knowing but still couldn't stop the tears. But, now after 8 months of watching DVD's, reading and learning Facebook my family is very tired of waiting on me I feel more useless everyday and wonder what my future can possibly be. I'm now 64 year of age, and what should have taken 3 months to heal may never totally heal. At least I am able to use a wheelchair to get about a bit, but we live in a 3 level house. Thank heaven for methods of communication. Take care my friend, turn off the computer as it is only a subsitute for life as you said yourself; just as solitaire, gambling or any other mind occupier. Open your windows coverings, then try opening your windows.<br />
Stop smoking !! Again, another way to keep people away.... smoke is very offensive!! But, enough lecturing, you've to make some major, truly life altering decisions about your choices. Good luck, with love<br />
<br />
Change is worth it<br />
<br />

Everyone has times like this, Granted maybe not for as long. But you have to stop it from living your life. Over rule the feeling you get when you leave the house. Also to live your life you have to get a little bit hurt. To help you to open up, open up to someone online, someone you don't know and who doesn't know you, that way they can't judge you.