Not Sure Where I'm Going With My LifeI'm not really sure where to start with this, the only reason I'm writing this is because I want to get it off my chest I suppose. Though perhaps not a complete shut-in, I can safely say if it weren't for my family chances are highly likely I would hardly ever see sunlight.
It's hard for me to remember when I lost my courage and motivation to go out and socialise with people. In fact, I don't think I've ever really been one that eagerly went outside to begin with, even when I was very little it were friends from school that had to try really hard to come and get me outside to play. I suppose back then I was able to at least keep a façade going of being a social creature, though that quickly got eradicated with age.
After the age of 14 I belief, I never really left the house other than when I was 'forced' to do so. Weekends and school holidays I never left my room, I always had a lot of 'friends' but it would be more accurate to say I connected with people so I would fit in. Though after I made the decision to quit school when I was 18, even that has been completely removed from my life.
I consider myself to be really young still, but when I look at my life, I haven't done anything with it at all. Aside from family gatherings and other things I cannot avoid, I stay inside my room and spent hours on end just behind my computer. I try avoiding going outside as much as I can, I still go to the shops, usually to buy cigarettes, but even then I delay as much as I possibly can.
I sometimes wish I had an excuse, but I don't. I have a loving family, people generally seem to enjoy my presence and in terms of body I am really tall. Nevertheless, people genuinely frighten the living hell out of me and I cannot help it. I regularly talk to friends I've made while playing video games, but those are people I have never met face to face and chances are high I never will.
I think what gets to me the most is that I cannot find the reason why I feel the way I do, but I am simply incapable of showing and sharing my emotions with other people. I'm sure if it wasn't for my family, I would've gone clinically insane a long time ago. I find myself incapable of trusting people, even if they give me every reason to.
Sadly enough none of this is even the cause of real-life experiences. If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I have a great deal of empathy. Of course, it's something I am incapable of showing others, I frequently cry over the silliest thing, but only when I'm all alone in my dark room.
Another thing I know about myself, is I simply think too much. I think all the time, constantly, unless I am distracted myself by playing games, my mind is in chaos. The main reason I keep myself locked in my room is not because I have been hurt in the past, it's because I'm deadly afraid of being hurt.
Never in my life have I opened up entirely or even slightly to anyone and the fear that when I do, it might blow right back up in my face, is something I am deadly afraid of. It doesn't help that I'm completely aware that the way I think is eccentric at best. For example, I long for romance you find in stories, but whenever a girl made it clear she was interested in me, I completely shut down and turned them away.
I remember when I was really young, I always dreamt of starting a family, but now that I'm 21 and still didn't even hold hands with a girl, I have started to give up on the idea. I'm also painfully aware that my generation and those younger than mine treat sexuality very lightly. I wouldn't even know how to admit to anyone that I haven't even as much as kissed a girl.
I also want to travel with someone to as many countries as I can, ironically enough, but that is generally what I do, dream about life and not actually doing it. My sister used to constantly tell me to 'just do it', but to me that's asking the impossible.
Even as I wrote all this, I still feel like I'm purposely ignoring half of what's going on in my mind. I could probably write another five pages and still have it amount to absolutely nothing.
Instead I will go back to what I always do, play my videogames and completely forget about everything, until I find myself getting depressed during a moment of clarity, wondering what I'm doing with my life.
QuestionableExistance 18-21, M 4 Responses 3 Aug 20, 2012