Shut In

I used to get invited to a lot of parties, until people realized I would never show up. I'm quiet and shy, but I do my best to be very polite. I'm too quiet though, sometimes too polite. People often can't hear me. In the past I've had room mates on trips think I was asleep and say "She's so quiet" in an annoyed tone of voice. People get really uncomfortable in silence. I've been called awkward too many times to count. I hate that word the most. It still makes me cry.

I stay inside and play games, and read. So many people have made fun of me for being awkward that I don't want to risk being around another person that will make fun of me. I'm ashamed I've spent years inside.
I liked the game "Dream Diary" because it was about a girl just like me. She stayed in her room and played games, and had strange dreams. I read online that she was a Hikkikomori, or a Japanese shut in. I really identified with that character and word.

My pupils don't dilate very quickly anymore because I have been sitting in my room for so long, staring into a screen and pushing buttons.

One day, I will be loud and confident. My back will never hunch. I'll smile naturally, make jokes that people will hear and laugh at. I wont stutter, or falter, and my ears wont turn red when I'm asked something by a stranger.

But for today,

I am a shut in.
AwkwardLady AwkwardLady
2 Responses Aug 25, 2012

Do you have Agoraphobia? It's very debilitating, but can be treated successfully. No, you're not weird, just suffering and need help and understanding from the rigbt people. Avoid the haters.

I'm very happy to have read this because i can identify with it very much...
i hope someday, we can both smile naturally.