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Shut In

I used to get invited to a lot of parties, until people realized I would never show up. I'm quiet and shy, but I do my best to be very polite. I'm too quiet though, sometimes too polite. People often can't hear me. In the past I've had room mates on trips think I was asleep and say "She's so quiet" in an annoyed tone of voice. People get really uncomfortable in silence. I've been called awkward too many times to count. I hate that word the most. It still makes me cry.

I stay inside and play games, and read. So many people have made fun of me for being awkward that I don't want to risk being around another person that will make fun of me. I'm ashamed I've spent years inside.
I liked the game "Dream Diary" because it was about a girl just like me. She stayed in her room and played games, and had strange dreams. I read online that she was a Hikkikomori, or a Japanese shut in. I really identified with that character and word.

My pupils don't dilate very quickly anymore because I have been sitting in my room for so long, staring into a screen and pushing buttons.

One day, I will be loud and confident. My back will never hunch. I'll smile naturally, make jokes that people will hear and laugh at. I wont stutter, or falter, and my ears wont turn red when I'm asked something by a stranger.

But for today,

I am a shut in.
AwkwardLady AwkwardLady 18-21 1 Response Aug 25, 2012

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I'm very happy to have read this because i can identify with it very much...
i hope someday, we can both smile naturally.