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I Just Prefer To Be Alone

I rarely feel lonely

I have the telephone to speak to my closest friends: a small circle of women that I have known a very, very long time and who I know don't judge me or put prefer on me to leave my flat

I also speak to my Mum and Oldest Sister on the phone but these conversations can be a bit trickier! They worry about me. They keep thinking up new ways to get me to meet them "outside". They want me to "get better" without actually really understanding what is actually wrong with me. I try to explain but they find it difficult to hear. They always have. My younger sister has cut me off completely. I am no longer any "use" to her now that I am so focused on myself. Charming! Once I had stopped being "useful" to her as my former role as a Rescuer I was "dumped." It hurt like hell to begin with. A bit of a British Understatement that! It still hurts but now I also feel something else: Freedom! I am Free to just concentrate on ME! An unusual feeling. But rather pleasant.

So what exactly is "wrong" with me?

BIG Question!!!

It's like asking, So What do you think is Wrong with the World?

Alot. But there's also alot Right.

I suffer from mental illhealth. I always have. But when I was younger I was able to mask my ill health rather well. Also my ill health was never as bad as my Older Sister's so no one in my Family really noticed my own pain, ill health and constant daily struggle to appear to be "normal." I was the over achiever in the Family. Academically. At Work. In Play. I always gave everything 100%. In an Obsessive sort of way. Until, that is, I had a near fatal accident
in 1997. I never really recovered from this. It changed my life FOREVER. My old patterns of coping and masking my pain simply stopped working. I then began to enter free fall. I never completely lost my mind but I have come close. Years of Medication (been on Prozac for many year but now I am having some doubts about SSRI medication!), Talking Therapy and periods of unemployment due to ill health followed. I am now 48 years old and have been off work 5 years. The longest period of not working. I used to feel worried about this. But now I realise something quite simple: it's just not my fault that I cannot work. I actually want to work. Sometimes. When I can actually get out of bed. And when my brain is actually working so I can actually concentrate and remain focused. Like now. Today is a Good Day. I look forward to my Good Days. But I also accept The Bad Days. I accept now that I fall within a category called "The Unemployable." It's more Society's Fault than anything that I have done. I just can't do a 9-5 job 5 days a week. I never know when, or if, I will be feeling "Well." It varies from day to day, hour to hour. Sometimes even from minute to minute.

I have Mood Swings. I am also going through early menopause. I suffer from SAD. I am Bi-Polar. I am also learning to articulate My Anger. Years of swallowing down all angry feelings left me feeling powerless, clinically depressed and wanting to sleep all the time. Now, when I am Angry about something, I let it out. Only sometimes it comes out as RAGE! Pretty scary.

I feel alot of RAGE when I am around people. RAGE as well as Fear. All wrapped up in a blanket of Anxiety. Not a nice feeling! So that is why I prefer to stay in. To Shut myself away in my Flat.

I was always a bit of a loner anyway. An introvert. Only I bent myself out of shape to become an extrovert. Because Society prefers Extroverts. Now I have returned to my Default Position and it feels RIGHT!

I prefer my own company. I like to read, think, work on my patchwork, think some more, listen to music, daydream, sing, look after my indoor plants and windowboxes, write, laugh at Silly Things and chat with my Friends.

It helps when I I meet people, strangers really, who DO understand me and don't put pressure on me to change. I have met some people like this in a Reading Group on FB. Now I have found this Group.

Acceptance is so important
Self Acceptance even more

There was a time when I would rather be out, amongst people I hardly knew, because I believed that this was what I was "supposed" to be doing.

Now I ask myself a simple question every day: Do You Want to Go Out?

If the answer in "No, Thank You," I listen

Sometimes I do go outside. Usually with my mum or a Friend. And, if the sun is actually shinning, I have been known to go outside on my own.

Only I just don't want to today

And that's OK

Maybe I would feel differently if there was no such thing as The Internet or such Groups as this.

But it DOES exist and for that reason I never feel completely alone

Or Lonely

I am having a Relationship with Myself.
And it's going rather well!
TenaciousT TenaciousT 46-50 1 Response Oct 15, 2012

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I agree with self-acceptance being important. I have been dealing with physical chronic illnesses for many years and recently began treatment for depression. I spent so much energy trying to please and make others happy to my own detriment. I always felt something was missing. It took a while to recognize that Almighty God created us with a “spiritual need,” an innate hunger to understand the meaning and purpose of life. (Matthew 5:3) Our spiritual need also includes a desire to know our Creator and to have a relationship with him. God will welcome your efforts to get to know him, for the Bible says: “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.”—James 4:8. Many people have found that building a friendship with God has improved their overall well-being and shown them how to feel good about their lives. While knowing God will not make our lives trouble-free, his wisdom found in the Bible can help us to have a happier family life, enjoy peace with others and deal with problems such as depression and chronic illness. I know what it's like to feel lonely in a room full of people. However, I also know why Almighty God put you and I here. Revelation 4:11 explains that Almighty God is our Creator. [please read.] He surely must have had a reason for creating us. People who have wanted to find out what it is have studied God’s written Word, the Bible. I would like to offer you that opportunity.” We can begin a free home Bible study course (You in your home and me in my home.). All you need is your Bible and the publication "What the Bible Really Teaches". I can mail it to you at no cost or you can download it. Even though I am shy, I have found for myself that when I have good news to share, it motivates me to want to speak with people. You have a purpose for being on this earth and living. Please give it a try!