I Am a Shut-in
I am a shut-in by choice. I am very disappointed in my choice of being one. I know that there are people who have no choice in being one because of medical reasons and I understand how they wish they could break out of their world of solitude and can't or it's too difficult. I was always an extravert growing up until the last 6 years when I moved back home with my parents. I am a gay 32 year old male, who is a recovering drug addict. I am on a methadone clinic and I am on SSDI for bi-polar disorder. I am narcotics free other than the methadone, my anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. My world was surrounded by drugs, parties, men, and fun. Once I got on MMT ( methadone maintenance treatment) and found sobriety, I have distanced myself from the outside world. Now I am surrounded by literature, TV, food, and family. I know that it doesn't sound that bad, but it is. Everyday I get offers from new aquaintances to go out and do something, but yet I still refuse. I feel so comfortable at home. I am content sitting at home with my lovely aging mom, talking to her and cooking meals together. The only thing is that now I think I am becoming stir crazy. I am yearning to find that special person who will break this obsession of staying home. When I am home I feel safe. I feel that when I am home, I am away from all negative temptations out there. I feel that I am away from trouble and that there is nothing or noone that can harm me in my house. When I go out and meet people I feel like I have to portray an image of a person that I am not. I mean I am myself most of the time. I like being around people and I get along with people very easily. The thing is that when it comes around going places with them, like parties, clubs, or bars, I find it very tiring. I prefer going home, getting in my pajamas, relaxing with a good book, or watching a good movie with my mom and dad. Now I must remind you that I am a 32 year old man. Talk about failure to launch, geez!!! I am very busy when I am at home. I've become the typical house wife. I have taken over for my mom now, because she is suffering from osteo-arthritis, diabetes, and a heart condition. So it is beneficial in a way, now that I spend all my hours at home. I fell like that I missing out on my life by living this way. I feel like I am letting the days in my life slip by me, day by day, and not even noticing or enjoying them. I don't feel depressed, but am I? Is it the reason why I shut myself out of the world? Is it that I am doing so good in my recovery and I am scared that the outside world could cause me to relapse? I don't know what it is? I hope by writing this I can find someone who has gone through something similar, or is going through something like this. I would like some advice or some direction to take to help myself. If I could find a friend through this, it would be more than I am expecting, but I am hopeful and looking forward to it.
Sincerely-
Lonely recovery
