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Need to Find People Who Understand Me.

I am a shut-in by choice. I am very disappointed in my choice of being one. I know that there are people who have no choice in being one because of medical reasons and I understand how they wish they could break out of their world of solitude and can't or it's too difficult. I was always an extravert growing up until the last 6 years when I moved back home with my parents. I am a gay 32 year old male, who is a recovering drug addict. I am on a methadone clinic and I am on SSDI for bi-polar disorder. I am narcotics free other than the methadone, my anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. My world was surrounded by drugs, parties, men, and fun. Once I got on MMT ( methadone maintenance treatment) and found sobriety, I have distanced myself from the outside world. Now I am surrounded by literature, TV, food, and family. I know that it doesn't sound that bad, but it is. Everyday I get offers from new aquaintances to go out and do something, but yet I still refuse. I feel so comfortable at home. I am content sitting at home with my lovely aging mom, talking to her and cooking meals together. The only thing is that now I think I am becoming stir crazy. I am yearning to find that special person who will break this obsession of staying home. When I am home I feel safe. I feel that when I am home, I am away from all negative temptations out there. I feel that I am away from trouble and that there is nothing or noone that can harm me in my house. When I go out and meet people I feel like I have to portray an image of a person that I am not. I mean I am myself most of the time. I like being around people and I get along with people very easily. The thing is that when it comes around going places with them, like parties, clubs, or bars, I find it very tiring. I prefer going home, getting in my pajamas, relaxing with a good book, or watching a good movie with my mom and dad. Now I must remind you that I am a 32 year old man. Talk about failure to launch, geez!!! I am very busy when I am at home. I've become the typical house wife. I have taken over for my mom now, because she is suffering from osteo-arthritis, diabetes, and a heart condition. So it is beneficial in a way, now that I spend all my hours at home. I fell like that I missing out on my life by living this way. I feel like I am letting the days in my life slip by me, day by day, and not even noticing or enjoying them. I don't feel depressed, but am I? Is it the reason why I shut myself out of the world? Is it that I am doing so good in my recovery and I am scared that the outside world could cause me to relapse? I don't know what it is? I hope by writing this I can find someone who has gone through something similar, or is going through something like this. I would like some advice or some direction to take to help myself.  If I could find a friend through this, it would be more than I am expecting, but I am hopeful and looking forward to it.

Sincerely-

Lonely recovery

Carlos0418 Carlos0418 31-35, M 3 Responses May 30, 2009

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I can relate to you a lot I am an alcoholic it was ruining my life so I decided to get sober..ever since I got back from rehab all my friends ( at least I thought they were) basically don't bother with me anymore so I hardly ever go out all I do is work and come home to be honest sometimes it really gets me down I feel like such a loser :/ but I try to keep reminding myself to look at the positive things I have going for me I have a good job and great family and I'm sober now and keep hope that things will get better I'm not sure if that helps but just know you aren't alone if you wanna chat feel free to message me

I can relate to your story. I am not physically disabled but I do have depression and PTSD. I could physically go out but I choose to stay in most of the time. This has happened gradually over the last decade. I am so lonely it hurts. Yet I am afraid to go out into the world and face people. I can come off as very social but inside I feel like I am disintegrating. I saw you wrote this in 2009. I hope you have found your way.

Carlos,<br />
<br />
Ever go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings? I'm sure you'll find people there with some understanding of you.