Soon To Be A Single Dad. Maybe?

I have been married for ten years. In the last three years I was laid off and went back to school. During this time my wife says I was gone to much and she got bored. She is an alcoholic and cheats on me all the time. I have two boys 9 and 10. I love them very much. I feel I have to get them away from their mother. She gets passed out drunk and they have no one to watch them. I graduated from college and have accomplished my dream of teaching and coaching. I sacrificed and worked hard to provide what I hoped would be a better a life for my family. In the end I have a wife who is having inappropriate relationships with 19-21 year olds and getting pass out drunk six nights a week. I am 36 and afraid that I am not going to get custody and that I will be alone for the rest of my life if I go through with the divorce. How long will the divorce take? Will I lose everything I have (not much)? Will I get to keep the house? I have a job, but hey I am a teacher and don't make much money, seriously my kids qualify for free and reduced lunch. I just get stuck in this endless question circle and then I am like when will I have time to do it. Do you guys feel better after your divorce? I love and miss my sober wife, but the monster of alcoholism has destroyed our family.
budwilkinson budwilkinson
41-45, M
6 Responses Aug 31, 2013

Usually it's the other way around. I am sad to know your wife is acting that way. She should support her husband in crisis and look after her children. I hope you'll give them good environment.

Bud, your it, your boys need you to make the call for them. In time if there Mum changes her ways great....but right now the boys need to know that your ok and have confidence that you will make the best decisions for them. The house money etc yes there important but right now maintaining what you have and then carrying an extra person and there drama on top of that will be even more taxing on you personally than if you did go it alone don't you think? You've been doing it alone for quite some time by the sounds of it, so pat yourself on the back acknowledge yours and your children's worth and take the next step. Expect to grieve and find it difficult obviously you love your wife but she needs to learn to love herself again before she can love you all the way you need her too.

Bud, Talk to a divorce lawyer, or do some research. Don't expect to feel happy when you are divorced or separated. But at this point, you are alone Bud. You will be alone for the rest of your life if you stay. Remember you will have your boys and hopefully their healthy wives and your grandchildren. But I think you may only have that chance if you do leave. If your boys don't learn now about codependency and how they can become healthy, they too may marry as you did. You may stop the cycle. Please take care.

I was in a marriage for thirteen years and went through hard alone times when my husband went into rehab. However, the addiction was too powerful and I left to save me and my children from this madness. Counseling for myself for thirteen years, many tears, many fights the girls must have heard. Finally I realized HE was not choosing to change and I did attend alanon meetings about my codependency issues. Melanie Beatty is the author of Codependent No More and it may be a step toward YOUR recovery too. Please find a therapist who deals with addiction and marriage if you haven't already. Only you can save the boys. I am concerned as to why you are concerned about custody, and if there is anything you need to work on too, start yesterday. You can still feel love for your wife, but may need to leave her to save your self and your boys, and after reading your post that she refuses help or perhaps to even acknowledge she has a problem is a problem. At this point, make a plan, get a support network and your boys and you and even she will only be hurt more if you don't do something . By not enabling her anymore, she may get help. It's so painful I know. Please seek counseling weekly. If you haven't already, read and educate yourself about addiction and alcoholism and reach out for help. The hope will always be that your wife get help and get better so she can be in her childrens lives, but if she chooses not too, it is your job to protect them. If thinking of it that way gives you the strength to leave. Even with the hope she get better. I never knew what codependency was and never new that I HAD TO GET WELL too. I know you can do it and I know you will get well and your boys will learn from you and that is a wonderful gift you can give them. They can still love their Mommy, but they can also know it is ok that they are taken care of. You can do this Bud. If you haven't already, get counseling for your boys too, yourself and get that book and attend some ALANON meetings and stop enabling . Love yourself too.

can you message me please..you struck a nerve with the word codependency can you tell me more about it please

Hey budwilkinson you need to step back take deep breath and do what needs to be done life is to short my friend. Get your kids away from this madness asap be safe

As long as your wife feels she is doing no wrong her sickness will continue and progress. You could try alonon very informative you might find out you are enabling her to continue in her madness. Not on purpose of course,but with out knowing. How about an intervention with her family and the kids. You did not mention what the kids feel ask them. Explain to them about the disease after you have done some research on the subject. Keep the kids in the loop use your skills as a teacher. Sorry if this sounds like a long blurt but i came across your story and felt compelled to write but i am in a hurry. Hit me up if you want to anytime to vent or just to bend my ear.

She has no remorse. We had an intervention and it did no good. She wrecked her car tonight for the second time due to drinking. I am done just don\'t know where to start. Thanks for your reply it is nice to know someone cared enough to leave one.