I've Got To Change
She needs her time and her space. She needs to find herself, make some changes. I had to let her go. I had no other choice. I never wanted her to compromise herself in order to be with me. I didn't realize that my presence was so demanding. I didn't realize that people went as far as to put themselves aside just to please me. I never wanted anyone to do any of that....but they did...and it slowly strangled the very life out of each and every relationship I've ever been in. You go through one or two relationships, the break up just might be their fault, but many relationships.....you have to stop and look at yourself....you have to face the fact that you might be the problem, not any of them.
I push people away. I shut them out. Then, I expect them to offer themselves to me like an open book. I scream that I don't want a "shadow"...the whole while, unknowingly, molding them into that very thing. I tell them that I want to spend every waking hour with them, then, later, I gripe and moan about how they're always there. I tell them that I want lots of emotion and affection from them, then I turn around and go into robot mode and become stone cold toward them. I get jealous, but I don't say anything. Half the time, I don't say anything at all about anything. I end up making them feel as if they're completely alone even when sitting right next to me. I don't want to be that person any longer.
I thought, all this time, that I did a pretty good job of showing the people that I was with that I did, in fact, want to be with them. I would be happy as could be, thinking that everything was okay...the whole while, they're sitting across from me or beside me, dying inside. I've got to change.