I've Got To Change

 She needs her time and her space.  She needs to find herself, make some changes.  I had to let her go.  I had no other choice.  I never wanted her to compromise herself in order to be with me.  I didn't realize that my presence was so demanding.  I didn't realize that people went as far as to put themselves aside just to please me.  I never wanted anyone to do any of that....but they did...and it slowly strangled the very life out of each and every relationship I've ever been in.  You go through one or two relationships, the break up just might be their fault, but many relationships.....you have to stop and look at yourself....you have to face the fact that you might be the problem, not any of them. 

I push people away. I shut them out.  Then, I expect them to offer themselves to me like an open book.  I scream that I don't want a "shadow"...the whole while, unknowingly, molding them into that very thing.  I tell them that I want to spend every waking hour with them, then, later, I gripe and moan about how they're always there.  I tell them that I want lots of emotion and affection from them, then I turn around and go into robot mode and become stone cold toward them.  I get jealous, but I don't say anything.  Half the time, I don't say anything at all about anything.  I end up making them feel as if they're completely alone even when sitting right next to me.  I don't want to be that person any longer.

I thought, all this time, that I did a pretty good job of showing the people that I was with that I did, in fact, want to be with them.  I would be happy as could be, thinking that everything was okay...the whole while, they're sitting across from me or beside me, dying inside.  I've got to change.

concreteardrop concreteardrop
36-40, F
8 Responses Jan 27, 2010

I used to be the same way but now I listen I try to just let things flow I do not go with anyone I can think of how I want them to change and I keep myself in check I never want to make someone feel they are not good enough or do not measure up because of my baggage

The first step to change is to make the choice to change so your going the right way maybe you just need to listen next time to what they want and do what they want and have no expectations what you get from them follow their lead tell them that you have a habit of pushing away and then pulling back decide ahead of time how YOU are going to behave differently pretend you do not know anything listen learn keep what seems to work discard what don't maybe look for a more strong personality who will not put up with your crap and someone who is scared to tell you and just tries to adapt to you maybe you just need to be with a strong woman like you seem to be

Great insight. Now what r u gonna do to change? U cant sit and wait 4 the change fairy. Me? Im in therapy. We all have issues. We all screw up. We all fall backwards. Its the getting up and trying again thats hard. So. What will u do to change?

For starters, build a healthier me....then, learn the difference between those ppl that are healthy or unhealthy for me to be around....and stop being around those unhealthy ppl in my life.

Maybe you are the unhealthy one for them you have the baggage you have the issues not them catch yourself see right away you project that they are they ones unhealthy instead of owning your **** look within my friend claim it own it and change it

You just described me to a T :( Its a hard thing to have to change after getting into this type of 'habit'. I wouldn't even know where to start...I'm afraid of going into any other relationship because I know how I will act, and how it will eventually end.

This sounds somewhat like me.... <br />
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Hmm..not wholly but half of it. I'm demanding because my lover has issues to deal with, serious ones that no one else can stand and I made sure that I'm not too much to demand a change from her. <br />
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But I was like you in my past relationship with my ex.. that's how she dumped me =( <br />
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Sometimes life isn't so easy to live or to deal with, but yes.. we have to make a change..

I could have wrote this myself, sounds just like me. I want to and need to change these behaviors too. The pattern has followed me way to long with family, friends and mostly relationships. I will forever be alone... if I continue to push people away.... I'm the same way I say I want something and then when I get it, I complain about not wanting it anymore. I don't blame the women I've been with for being confused. Everything you said is ME. It's sad but true.

Wow, ok so you have totally got my attention. I do think sometimes we are the problem, but I can say that I think sometimes after someone has been hurt so bad, we look for the relationships that will fail. Maybe that is just something I do, but it seems like I look outside of the box and I see amazing beautiful women that deserve better. I stand back shaking my head too shy to try anything but when I look for someone, I tend to go with the ones that just break my heart. I treat women like I believe they should be treated. After the last one, I do think maybe it is me, I know better but I am too scared. I know I can't be the only one. Why is it so tough? I think you are more right than you know!

Wow that is deep and sounds very familiar.