I Can't Do This All Alone. Can I?So, I moved back to my hometown after leaving my husband. I thought for a long time that I would stay in the town where he and I lived together (no family of either of us there). But I always hated living there, and he is passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. My mother said, "Just come home. I will help you keep the baby." So I moved away from the baby's father and home to be near my mom.
She is married and but retired, and she was keeping my daughter three days a week and I had a nanny two days a week while I work full-time. That arrangement didn't work out because my mom felt that she was always being asked to take hours from the nanny because the nanny was too busy with raising her own three-year-old and attending her own prenatal appointment.
So, I found a different arrangement. Currently, my daughter has 50 hours a week of daycare coverage and my mother only keeps her on Mondays (by her choice...she could send her to daycare), Tuesday/Thursday afternoons because I work late, and if she is sick or the home daycare is closed for a holiday.
Still, my mother is complaining that she is expected to do too much and that I don't "respect her time." She says she shouldn't be expected to be first back-up without being consulted first and that I need to have someone else ready to step-in (someone I'd have to pay for) in case my mother has date night with her husband or goes out of town. Fine. I get that.
It worries me, because I am already paying $600 per month for the daycare, plus I am going to have to pay someone else to do the two afternoons, so that's going to add probably another $200 per month. And I will probably just pay them to do it consistently, because I can't imagine anyone holding the afternoons open in just case I need them. Plus, at this point, I would rather just not need my mother's help for the normal schedule. That leaves me with just having my mother as a back-up in case my child is sick or the daycare is closed for a holiday (I am in healthcare and work holidays, too).
So last night my mother called me and told me that her former employer is now letting people work from home. She ran into a former co-worker and they had a conversation and my mother said, "Well, if I could have worked from home, I never would have retired." And the co-worker said, "Are you kidding? They are looking to hire someone!" So my mother wanted to inform me that she may be going back to work...full-time...from home. She says, "But I will still be able to pick C up in the afternoons because I will get off at 5."
Am I being unreasonable if I feel like she is reneging on her promise to help me if I moved here? I realize she technically has no obligations to help me raise my child; am I selfish if I expect that? My daughter's father has already gone off the rails, having twins with someone he has known only as long as she has been pregnant. Now my mother is going back to work and won't be able to help even in case of sickness or daycare closing.
In the town I lived with my ex-husband, I had no one but him. I had no family there, and my good friends were busy raising their own families. Now I feel like at least he would have been obligated to take turns staying home in case she is sick. At least he would have wanted to keep her for the weekend or a Friday night (mom has kept her overnight maybe three times in a year). My X gets money off his child support every month to come visit and keep daughter for the weekend, but he hasn't been doing that, either.
I don't think that I can really move back to his town at this point. His new woman is hell-bent on completely erasing me from his life, and she is probably not too thrilled about having my daughter around, either. I don't think I really want her raising my child on a consistent basis, anyway, as she doesn't demonstrate the kind of values that I want my daughter to have. I was hoping for a good step-mom for C at least, but no such luck.
I have a significant other who wants to help, but circumstances are keeping us apart for now. I might have the option to move to be closer to him, but at this point I feel like I have just gotten my daughter settled in my hometown. Moving that far again feels like such a risk. But I am starting to think doing something different may just be plain necessary.
I am just SO frustrated because I am working hard to provide a stable life for myself and my daughter. I didn't move back in with my parents (although mom did give me some cash to help me get back on my feet). I make a good salary, but my job is not very flexible. I am expected to be there unless I am dead or at least seriously contagious. My father is around but makes it very clear he is not interested in helping. My mother got me back here and is now sending the message that I need to be independent of her and not rely so much on her. My ex is an idiot. My significant other is too far away.
How am I supposed to do this all alone?
serenityprayer 31-35, F 100 Responses 22 Jul 11, 2010