I Can't Do This All Alone. Can I?

SP, you are a pillar of strength. You've shown you can set your sights and line up all the ducks in a row to make it happen. Yes, your Mom is a disappointment, not dependable. This is another challenge that you will work through. I agree with LIfeisPrecious .. don't move to fast, you may overlook some important aspects of quality of life with another. You have knocked off he big issues and yet are still in a time of transition. Sending you good vibes and support. Best - Y

DO NOT rely on your ex for anything. Do not move to be closer to your ex. It's clear you owe him nothing and he has nothing to offer you. Stay where you are and keep your job. Your mother will be working from home so, I fail to see how that changes anything in your arrangements with her. If C is in Daycare the 5 days a week you are paying for, I also don't see how that is a problem. You can get the daycare day extended if she needs to be in until 5 or 6 pm without going anywhere else. Perhaps consider a daycare that offers income assistance if you are strapped for funds. You are better off staying where you are and not changing jobs or shocking C with a new and uncertain environment. We know how the job market is these days. You are lucky to be working.

Not a complete solution, but maybe a different perspective that could help: Your mom raised her kids, and the really neat thing about grandchildren is that you get to lavish them with attention and then go home and leave the parent(s) to really to the work of taking care or them. Remember that when you're dealing with her and put yourself in her shoes as best you can (you're from a different generation and have some differing values, and you have to try to take those into account, too).
- So, if your mom is financially motivated, and you'd have to pay someone else, so pay her for the time she works "extra" with your daughter. Also, lavish her with your sincere thanks and let her know how much it means to you when- and however you can (gifts, flowers, or doing something for her in return are good). She knows you're busy and doesn't expect equal effort, but visible effort and thanks, and don't forget those occasional cards that say "thank you, I love you, you don't know how much you mean to me."
- Give her a vacation from your daughter, other than as a visitor with you for a couple of weeks while she gets re-established with her employer, then realize that working from home is still a job, and one doesn't have a whole lot of time for a lil' kid while working, no matter how much they love 'em. Use daycare all week for that time and get a sitter or engage your roommate to help out (maybe pay him, too; keep it business if it's not romantic; don't let him feel used - card, decorated box of special cookies just for him and his daughter, whatever gesture you can manage). At the end of the two weeks, reassess the situation, and see how much your mom can handle. Hopefully, it won't be "none," but be prepared to extend the time, and formalize some arrangement with some of your savings to pay someone for the extra help, if there aren't friends that could maybe share duties. Is there a time when you could trade care responsibilities to free up another parent in exchange?
- If your ex is getting a break on child care expense for duties he's not fulfilling, see to it that he loses that break and pays more, same principle as you paying others - he's paying you to parent your daughter single-handedly. And yes, I know that's easier said than done, (but remember that's what attorneys are for - to do the fighting for you, if you can afford the up-front; if you have to drag him into court, he'll have to pick up your attorney expense, too -- if he has it; if not, forget this idea) but do it if possible, especially if he's not got a good environment for your daughter, and ESPECIALLY if she's not welcome by his new, uh, "sweetheart" (too bad he didn't really get one). And with TWINS in the house, she'd feel especially neglected, for practical reasons, too.
- If you're still on speaking terms with his parents, you might get them to intercede for you.
- Check to see if there are some organizations, or grants, or aid for sharing or paying for your extra expense. You're not freeloading; that's what government is there for -- to serve the citizenry, and protect them. You're already paying for it in your taxes, and it's only for a year until she starts preschool. Seems like I've heard of some sort of "foster grandparents" organization, too.
- If all else fails, remember the Family Leave Act - you MUST be given the time if sickness or emergency (like a flakey caregiver) by your employer without penalizing you. If they do, take 'em to the state Labor Board. I'd guess they won't if they're professionals, 'cause they already know you can, and you'll win.
- Not to be mercenary, but you might join a church -- you'll meet some genuinely nice people there, expand your circle of LOCAL friends and parents to socialize and trade favors with. If you find a church with a good sermonizer (love, not fire-and-brimstone, and someone hip to today's situations), they'll really help to "charge your batteries" for the coming week, or benefits your daughter with a caring "Sunday" school or equivalent. If you already belong and you're not getting any benefit or "recharging" out of it, consider switching. No harm in looking around for a spiritual life that truly benefits you and you feel good about--you don't need more dissatisfaction in your life.
- I'm sure you do this all the time,but remember how special the time with your daughter is now; it seems like an ordeal now, but it's so short in terms of a lifetime. Let her know how much you love her, and how much joy she brings to your life, and make your time together meaningful (read to her, stop before she goes to sleep to talk if she wants you to; some kids need that). Your glass really is 'way more than half full! You're in for a lifetime of love in return (and a few bumps, too; no one's perfect; that's what unconditional love is all about - you love 'em regardless).

And from all of us out here, thanks for being a caring, responsible parent -- you're raising our future citizen and leader.

it why I so much for free and subsided child care as but the real issue is the state of child enforment which is totaly broken as men can easly flee and go underground and instead of trying to track those down they pass laws to take away drivers licences for those trying.
what I love to see is the goverment making the payment as then they realy go ofter deadbeat dads and if they can make the payment then there drafted so they can

This brings it all back. my kids are now aged 12 and 14. I raised them by myself from when my youngest was born - my ex had mental health (documented) issues, as well as being a violent, bullying control freak. My mum would say the same even though she didn't work. I've done the dental appts, drs appts, hospital appts, school and nursery drop offs, cooking& cleaning, gardening, DIY (I can even lay a wooden floor now), paying billsetc by myself.
All I can say is that, when kids get older, it does get easier. You are at a disadvantage because you are working full time. I hope that you can continue to find the strength to carry on, I am thinking about you and understand what you are going through.

Your story seems to be about what you can or can't handle. From all the comments, and from your responses, it's clear to me that you can handle anything life throws at you. You won't like it, but you'll get through it, and your daughter will be fine. You will raise her well because you have the drive to do so.

More recent responses (yours) indicate a growing resentment of your mother for deceiving you. Yes, she was wrong to do that. No, you can't do a ton to change her mind. But what you need to keep in mind yourself is that the way she acts does not control your life. Whether or not she helps you as she should (and promised to do), you'll get through it. Try to forgive, even if you can't forget. Plan as if she is completely useless, and then thank God when she follows through -- see it as a bonus instead of counting on it in the first place. Then you'll be less hurt when she reneges, and your life will be more stable because it won't be depending on someone unstable to keep it together.

I have zero advice as to the logistics of all this, but your commenters seem to know what's going on. Keep your head up and remember that you have complete power. You will have a lot of trouble based on the flaky people in your life, but all the decisions are in your hands. Remind yourself of that, and act on it.

Best of luck. You'll be in my prayers, and I admire the way you're handing this. Keep it up.

Forget about your ex, give your significant other on notice and find a guy that is willing to commit. I know that you think your situation is bad but it will get better, have faith.
There are a lot of men out there so don't waste time waiting for the ones in your life to step up. If they havn't by now they will not! Do like I do, put on something sexy and go out and find one! Quit waiting for Mr perfect, he doesn't exist and the cute bad boys are a waste of time. Get a guy that is willilng to commit and forget the ones that don't. There are plenty of them out there just waiting for you!

Hello, I want to express that I understand how you feel about your mother. I too feel that I have been let down by my mother on various occasions. When I was in labor with my 2nd child my mother brought her new boyfriend to the hospital so that we could meet for the first time. It was uncomfortable at best and to me seemed to be lacking any interest in my own feelings. My mother wanted me to stay with her for a couple of weeks while I was recovering from my c-section and offered to help care for the new born since my husband would be working long hours. This offer was made to me because she expressed concern that I would not physically be able to care for a toddler and an infant after my c-section. However, when I settled into her place, she left for a prolonged stay with the new boyfriend. I had some "baby blues" and felt very isolated since this was my mothers home and I was the only party living there. As most mothers know infants require a lot of care and I was also trying to complete household chores like laundry and dishes. I ended up opening my incision and had to call my dad to pick me up and take me to the ER. For a time I was very angry with her because I felt abandoned by her at a time when I really needed her help. I pushed myself to get past the anger and accept that she wanted her own life. I just wish that she hadn't offered the help if she was going to isolate me at her home. I could have done that at my own home and seen my husband every night. When my children got older and I was back at work my mother offered to watch the kids 3 days a week. Eventually this became too much of a burden to her and I continually received complaints that she felt she had no time to herself. I decided to cut her loose from the agreement and now spend over $200 a week in day care services. This has been about four years now and though it has been very difficult financially I feel stronger for the experience. Though I am not a single parent I have had difficult situations where I needed someone to lean on and based on my past experiences I have not chosen my mother as this person. I do want to add that during my childhood I had a lot of my childcare provided to me by my grandparents because both of my parents worked full-time. I found it difficult to understand how she could regularly rely on my Grandma for so much yet I was inconsiderate for asking her for help. A previous reader commented that we are from different generations and our values tend to change. I believe that this is true and I urge you to take away any responsibility for childcare from your mother. Allow her any quality time of course but avoid expectations for regular babysitting. You will both feel better about the situation. She will feel no expectation for her services and time and you will not have to feel guilty about taking her help.

Well come and start a new life with me here inOz!!

Out of the blue, for no special reason, completely unexpected send your mother some flowers, a coupon to get ther nails done or a message for her do alone and then tell her if she would like you to go along you will join her but you want her to enjoy in whatever way makes her best realize how much you appreciate having her in your life and that appreciation existed far before you had your child.
Keep your child in daycare and take your mother to a early dinner, just the two of you and talk about anything other then the weather and your day.
I have two children your age and after loosing my husband I looked at the relationship between myself and my children differently. They really don't have time for me unless it is to watch the grandbaby( my pleasure and joy) or if they have some work that they need help on. I love doing that for them but I realize that I really want to connect with them. Just be a person who is worth knowing now and then.
I have been taking care of my parents for the last 7 month and now I need to go and give me some time to mend from loosing my husband. Isn't sad that I don't really want to go and visit my children because they make that big gap in my life feel so much bigger.

And make sure to raise your child believing that in the end we cant depend on any one for ****. Yeah you may look at it in an pessimistic way , but hey @ least that way if anyone lets you down, you already know u cant rely on anyone. It wont be such a shock. You cant depend on your mother, let alone an Ex husband that has moved on. Never feel intimidated that you cant ask **** from your Ex/Father of your child. Screw that. Both parties have to go 1/2 n 1/2. In good and bad. I wish u the best.