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I Can't Do This All Alone. Can I?

So, I moved back to my hometown after leaving my husband. I thought for a long time that I would stay in the town where he and I lived together (no family of either of us there). But I always hated living there, and he is passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. My mother said, "Just come home. I will help you keep the baby." So I moved away from the baby's father and home to be near my mom.
She is married and but retired, and she was keeping my daughter three days a week and I had a nanny two days a week while I work full-time. That arrangement didn't work out because my mom felt that she was always being asked to take hours from the nanny because the nanny was too busy with raising her own three-year-old and attending her own prenatal appointment.
So, I found a different arrangement. Currently, my daughter has 50 hours a week of daycare coverage and my mother only keeps her on Mondays (by her choice...she could send her to daycare), Tuesday/Thursday afternoons because I work late, and if she is sick or the home daycare is closed for a holiday.

Still, my mother is complaining that she is expected to do too much and that I don't "respect her time." She says she shouldn't be expected to be first back-up without being consulted first and that I need to have someone else ready to step-in (someone I'd have to pay for) in case my mother has date night with her husband or goes out of town. Fine. I get that.

It worries me, because I am already paying $600 per month for the daycare, plus I am going to have to pay someone else to do the two afternoons, so that's going to add probably another $200 per month. And I will probably just pay them to do it consistently, because I can't imagine anyone holding the afternoons open in just case I need them. Plus, at this point, I would rather just not need my mother's help for the normal schedule. That leaves me with just having my mother as a back-up in case my child is sick or the daycare is closed for a holiday (I am in healthcare and work holidays, too).

So last night my mother called me and told me that her former employer is now letting people work from home. She ran into a former co-worker and they had a conversation and my mother said, "Well, if I could have worked from home, I never would have retired." And the co-worker said, "Are you kidding? They are looking to hire someone!" So my mother wanted to inform me that she may be going back to work...full-time...from home. She says, "But I will still be able to pick C up in the afternoons because I will get off at 5."

Am I being unreasonable if I feel like she is reneging on her promise to help me if I moved here? I realize she technically has no obligations to help me raise my child; am I selfish if I expect that? My daughter's father has already gone off the rails, having twins with someone he has known only as long as she has been pregnant. Now my mother is going back to work and won't be able to help even in case of sickness or daycare closing.

In the town I lived with my ex-husband, I had no one but him. I had no family there, and my good friends were busy raising their own families. Now I feel like at least he would have been obligated to take turns staying home in case she is sick. At least he would have wanted to keep her for the weekend or a Friday night (mom has kept her overnight maybe three times in a year). My X gets money off his child support every month to come visit and keep daughter for the weekend, but he hasn't been doing that, either.

I don't think that I can really move back to his town at this point. His new woman is hell-bent on completely erasing me from his life, and she is probably not too thrilled about having my daughter around, either. I don't think I really want her raising my child on a consistent basis, anyway, as she doesn't demonstrate the kind of values that I want my daughter to have. I was hoping for a good step-mom for C at least, but no such luck.

I have a significant other who wants to help, but circumstances are keeping us apart for now. I might have the option to move to be closer to him, but at this point I feel like I have just gotten my daughter settled in my hometown. Moving that far again feels like such a risk. But I am starting to think doing something different may just be plain necessary.

I am just SO frustrated because I am working hard to provide a stable life for myself and my daughter. I didn't move back in with my parents (although mom did give me some cash to help me get back on my feet). I make a good salary, but my job is not very flexible. I am expected to be there unless I am dead or at least seriously contagious. My father is around but makes it very clear he is not interested in helping. My mother got me back here and is now sending the message that I need to be independent of her and not rely so much on her. My ex is an idiot. My significant other is too far away.

How am I supposed to do this all alone?



serenityprayer serenityprayer 31-35, F 101 Responses Jul 11, 2010

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It cost $285.000 to raise a child to 18 years old. I guess that fact was never mentioned in your high school economics class.

By the way... I wish I was near you, I would watch the kids between me and my daughters for much less... Can you find someone who would be trustworthy and you would be helpin them, and them helping you and save some money??

Courage, Serenity, and Wisdom. I relate to the topic, "I cant do this alone". Of course for different reasons but similar. I just lost my wife 5 weeks ago. She is gone, and I am trying to step up as a single Dad. She left no will, no notes on banking and such, My daughters are traumatized, Im still in shock, and relate to the topic!
I guess the reality is, we need to agree with the cunning baffling enemy that accuse us ab out "doing this alone" Because there is some truth in it. We cant do it alone, but in reality we are not!! God is with us to grant us wisdom, courage and peace in the storm. So some days I feel like I cant make it!! I repeat out loud......"In CANT DO THIS!!"........then i realize again, that this is only a half truth......so instead of fightin that thought, I agree, and say....."Thats right,,,I cant do this! But I will come to realize that God is doing for me what I cant do for myself"... Anyway,,, I am now a single parent, and widowed unexpectedly less than 3 weeks before Christmas, and it is overwhelming at times, but it is time to increasew faith in God and not in my own wisdom. I used to say the serenity prayer like a ritual, never really believing that I need to get courage, wisdom, and serenity from God.....I cant work it up in my own strength.. Bless ya.... VIctor

It looks like its been awhile but your post seemed to have hit home with a lot of other readers. I have same experience with NO support from Anywhere. Just seeing I am not alone is a big help. I've been raising mine for 10 years now only to have them turn on me when their dad entered the picture blaming me for his absence. It really was all worth it until now. Thank you for posting.

I honestly..don't know what I would do in your situation.Sounds like you're already doing everything you can.I am a single mom and the father of my son is not in fhe picture. My mom watches my son while I work full time but every chance she gets still tells me how bad of a mom I am for getting myself in this situation in the first place.Its hard. Emotionally one of the most difficult situations in the world. For""" everything that you may think to even consider doing..there's always that thought in the back of your head wondering if its the best thing for your child. Pray about it. Keep faith that. Things will eventually Work themselves out. Its so hard. Keep moving forward and doing what you gotta do.Try not to feel guilty especially shen you're doing the best you can.Good luck..If you ever want to talk feel free to message me.

check and see if your town dfacs has a program to help with daycare. I have 3 kids and been on my own for about 7 or 8 yrs now. my kids was just the right age for the boys and girls club to watch them after school.

You do what you have to do for you & your child. Your mother is not obligated, she raised her kids. I was a single parent of 3 and raised mine without any help. My mother worked & lived her life until she passed away. Besides we did not live in the same city anyway. She would babysit sometimes on weekends , so I could get a break. I had to find babysitters, daycare so I could work. Network, network ,network. It may be hard, but not impossible. Find someone great to take care of your child, that is the most important thing.

I won't say I empathize,but I know what you're going to. I'm not a parent,but my mom is mine...all by herself. My grandma did the same thing,one minute she was willing and there to help and the next it was too much. My advice to you is to hold on. Moving around a lot does take a toll on a child, so if you do move make sure that it can and will be stable. If anything try to see if some new found friends in the area can help-that way it's not all on your mother. No matter what the decision make it with a clear head, don't stress too much-C will sense that-and know that you are doing the right thing. Obviously you've done an amazing job so far...just keep it moving. :) good luck

move to south east asia. you will get a maid, driver and a home.

i'm not a woman, so it may be silly for me to answer this. Im sure you know all about the mistakes you made, so i'm not going to bother with those. Here's what you're doing right:<br />
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keeping the baby away from the father if he is abusive and crazy.<br />
Getting help in any way you can. your baby will know her grandma. That's a good thing.<br />
Accepting that fact that your mom has her own life and can't help you constantly.

What about calling to see about getting assistance? Even if it's just child care, at least that would be something. <br />
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Your mom sounds like how my MIL was when she was with us. She'd get mad if we'd ask her to watch the kids. Then when she found out that we'd just take them to daycare, then she was insulted. "You're not putting my grandbabies in that place", and she ended up watching them again.

This post makes me feel so grateful for my own parents, who were no picnic growing up due to their own issues, but have really stepped up to the plate in terms of helping out with my daughter.<br />
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I'm not a single father, but my wife and I both work full-time, so juggling things can get difficult at times.<br />
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We've also got my wife's mother and family to call on, and the same woman who babysat me as a child is still doing babysitting and takes our daughter a few days a week.<br />
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My heart goes out to you in your situation. I can't imagine being a grandparent or an absentee father and not working to be as involved and supportive as possible in my child's life. In my experience, karma will kick those people's ***** and you'll either get to watch them learn their lesson, or dance on their graves. LOL A bit bloodthirsty on my part, but I'm sure you get the metaphor...<br />
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Anyhow, I see it's been quite some time since the original post. Here's hoping that you resolved things for the best possible good of all concerned.

i planning on moving back to my hometown too. i have a friend who does babysitting anytime of the day and week. i don't have a family in town i am currently living and it is hard to do by myself. his father, well, is a selfish jerk. it wasn't difficult when my son was a baby, now he is rambunctious, actively 20 months old always up to something. mind you, he is more than a yard tall, and a very smart. i don't think anyone in my family will help me with him. i have a friend who does babysit for a living, it is rare she takes a day off from babysitting. she love children and never have her own. so she will help me while i go to work. she always need money more than vacation time.

Get ex to pay child support whatever you can get. Then find out about state supplements that might be able to help you while you work full time. I'm sure they would be willing to help rather than see you on welfare. Don't bother your mother. Her heart was in the right place and she ment well. Good luck. FEWWWW you women can talk.

if u need any help .i can help u ,im enjoy to help people

I grew up in a country that values family ties. If I will ever be in a kind of situation similar to yours, I know that my parents would never abandon me or deprive me any help I need. In fact they'd be more than willing to have me back at their home without question. Parents here, now matter how old their children are, they still take them back if needed. I just grew up in a place where parents could not endure leaving their child suffering alone so I will never understand how your mom could just date and live her life like she doesn't have a daughter who obviously needed her. As much as I want to hate your mom for it, I don't blame her because that's how life is in your place. Life where parents thinks after they've already done their responsibilities to their children like having them grow up, provide them education till they're 18 and married or something, that they can just continue life as they pleased.<br />
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Right now, I could not give you a meaningful advice since I'm not yet a parent myself. But I wanna tell you that I admire you because despite the circumstances you were in, your still did what you can to cope up with the situation. Your child is lucky to have you as a mom. Don't blame your mom anymore even if she promised to help you. Just think of it as another trial you need to endure to make you a better and stronger person for your child and for yourself. I certainly hope once you get through it that you'll find complete happiness.

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thats what being a mum is all about. good luck. i've been a single mother of 3 for 11 yrs. when their father left they were 1,2 and 3. its hard and you sacrifice but ultimately they're ur kids and no one elses. find work that works around ur baby, it'll make things easier for you and structure ur life so you dont need to rely on anyone bacause ultimately as nice as it would be to have some one there, your in this alone. do whats right for you and your baby and things will fall into place.

iI think your mom expects a payment why not just pay her?

i am so sorry for the situation you were in. i do hope that at this time things have gotten better for you. i am a single mommie too. i raised three on my own. i did manage to get a bachelor's degree while raising them and working, sometimes 2 jobs. i never really did anything with that degree because i was so worried about the same situation you are in....no flexibility with work. <br />
my advantage is that my mom has been the 2nd parent in my children's lives. she has been so very good to me over the past 20 years. my daughter is 20 and my boys, twins, are 17, will be 18 in april. i could not have done it by myself. the two fathers are both deadbeat ***** donors and have only been in my children's lives or helped financially sporadically. very very sporadic. <br />
i want to tell you that you are doing a very good job. you are trying to give your daughter stability and a good home. as i am now looking at the changing roll of being a mommy to three adult children i know i did my best. my kids always came first and i have no regrets. keep your head up mom!! your daughter will appreciate all of your hard work one day and it will be so very worth it. <br />
mommies are strong forces of nature. and single mommies are twice that force.

i would have advised having a chat with your mom. but, u love your daughter, u want her in your life and to do right by her. i think you will always find a way, even if it's as simple as you have no other choice than to find a way. many moms do it, i don't reccommend it if you don't have to but if you have to, it will always make you and your child stronger.

Have you considered polygamy... Im just saying

you can

Relying on family is always a mistake in my opinion, they say it is okay then they get mad at you and say you are taking advantage and criticize you and complain to others about you. I have no family. I wish I was more strong like you. It is so hard to things alone, people have always let me down, You sound like a wonderful parent. You sound like you are doing then very best you can. Why does life have to be so hard? Superwoman is a myth that was a made a 80's, also a marvel super hero. You can't do it all. I couldn't do half of what"normal" people do. I seen so many people fail trying to be perfect, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be human. That will allow you to be a good parent, you are on the right track where I have failed. I will never forgive myself. I've been judged in the eyes of others, held up tp ridicule for my failures and I can't live with myself. It warms my heart that you have some hope and so does your child.

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I suggest you go to a local church to see if they have someone they know or a group who can help you with childcare.Some churches have " Do Gooders " who love to help those in need. Dont be afraid to ask for help. All this stress will be making you feel isolated and unhappy. A trouble shared is a trouble Halved . They might not want a high rate..Some retired people want to help as they have plenty of " Free time " available because they no longer work.Getting a recommended person is better than a stranger.Always remember to thank your Mother, I am sure you are grateful for help given but some people feel " Taken for Granted "if NOT thanked.The important thing is not to get angry at your Mother, this could make her become hostile, and see you as the enemy. I suggest you send her a Thank you card of the " I love you Mother" types.Hopefully, This will help to " Restart " Things.

I suggest you go to a local church to see if they have someone they know or a group who can help you with childcare.Some churches have " Do Gooders " who love to help those in need. Dont be afraid to ask for help. All this stress will be making you feel isolated and unhappy. A trouble shared is a trouble Halved . They might not want a high rate..Some retired people want to help as they have plenty of " Free time " available because they no longer work.Getting a recommended person is better than a stranger.Always remember to thank your Mother, I am sure you are grateful for help given but some people feel " Taken for Granted "if NOT thanked.The important thing is not to get angry at your Mother, this could make her become hostile, and see you as the enemy. I suggest you send her a Thank you card of the " I love you Mother" types.Hopefully, This will help to " Restart " Things.

I do not know if you thought about this, but you can get russian and english nannys. All they really want is room and board, although some are now asking for a salary. But you r talking about having a nanny 24/7 for less than what you are paying in child care now.<br />
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I did the room mate thing..it turned into a relationship and then went bad. just be careful<br />
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Good luck. I wish you well.

I remember how my ex treated me so I left him. I was living on my own with my daughter who was a year in a half at the time, I couldn't afford a babysitter while I worked and I was lacking in the knowledge of welfare helping low income families in providing the funding 4 the daycare while the single parent worked so what I did was I got a job in a daycare. Sure it didn't pay much but I had an apartment that was low income. Utilities included. I stayed single 4 a few years by choice bec I became so independant that I didn't was afraid I would loose my own identity and independance in getting into any type of relationship. I have been married 2 my second husband for 6 yrs now and it is great. Things always start off rough in the beginning and it feels like you're always going 2 struggle like this but in the end, you'll become an even stronger person although it seems like you're pretty strong already. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable 2 expect 4 your mom 2 be there and help u raise your little girl while you're working. She made u an offer that she was going 2 do that should u move back close 2 home. She shouldn't make those promises then renig on them once u moved back. Any parents should be glad 2 take care of their grandkids when they r living close by. I think it's a great idea 2 move in with another single mom, u could work out a baby sitting schedule with each other 2 help each other out. Just make sure u get 2 know the other mom so that u could trust her. I understand u don't want 2 move in or closer 2 your significant other's home especially with the possibility that it may not work out between the 2 of u. U also have every right not 2 trust you're little girl with your ex's wife or girl friend when she doesn't want him 2 have anything 2 do with u bec 9 times out of 10, the child pays the price whether she is mistreated or has 2 listen 2 the other woman putting u down 2 the father. I wish u luck and hope everything gets better although I have a feeling it will if it hasn't already have.

I was raised by a single mother in a very similar situation. We moved a lot, and I wasn't too affected by it. Just let your little girl know that it's all for a good reason. Reassure her that she will make new friends. You didn't mention how old she is, but my least painful moves where when I was6 and 10. Basically the younger the better.<br />
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I spent most of my free time in daycare. You shouldn't feel bad about it, it's a great way to get her to socialize with other kids her age. She'll get a lot of play time and can be as noisy as she wants.<br />
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My baby sitter was a teenage daughter of one of my moms co-workers. Ask around. teenagers are always looking for some extra cash and will work for relatively cheap.<br />
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You'll be fine. I think I turned out better being raised by a single mother. It makes for a strong role model

I would try to settle in one place for awhile. You do seem to bewell grounded. Most grandfathers look forward to time with their grands. WTF. His loss. If you can stand alone. Only move in if necessary. And should you, don't end up being the primary babysitter. Your mom may be influenced by hubby. Sorry. Let her miss you all a moment. Good luck.

I honestly don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you. It brought tears to my eyes reading your story. The only thing I can say as far as advice goes it to hang in there. My three year old is living with her mom in a different state right now and being separated from her is killing me. I would never let a woman I love or even once loved go through a hard time if she had my kid. I am dealing with that now but I still provide more than adequate financial support and emotional support for both. Hang in there though! You have enough sense to reach out for help or advice and some is good...and some is bad but you know in your heart what needs to be done.<br />
I wish someone could take all of your questions and give you all the answers (for me too) but unfortunately life doesn't roll that way. Good luck and if you ever need to vent to someone. I'm your man! Keep updating how your doing.

My family did that we will be here to but they have there own life to I wish I could help the ex will be distracted and I would hope you would be priority but there will be issues with the other women the sig other may be willing and ready to offer support some kind way

My first thought is could you maybe work less hours? I spent a long time paying childminders more than I was left with at the end of the month to spend more time with my child than I got to. It just did not make any sense in the end.<br />
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Life is about choices. That is all the game is about - making the right choice for yourself. And then making another ba<x>sed on the previous choice and then making another choice ba<x>sed on the last choice just made and so it goes....you need to make sure that your choices are going in the direction you want your life to go. Look ahead, be it a day, a week, a decade and ask yourself 'are my choices taking me where I want to go'. Unfortunately, when we allow others to make choices for us, they do not always make choices that take us where we want to go. Only you can have you complete 'agenda' in mind at any one time so make sure you are leading your life from the front. Please do not feel helpless or powerless; rather resolve to take back your power and that starts with making choices that leads to the door you want to walk through.

Your not alone. Your mother is trying to help you. Yeah she wants to go back to work, lots of retired people want to be able to work and make cash again. But she helped u get back on your fee, you and your daughter are living with her right? You also have a good paying job. Yeah its not flexible but you are managing. It will take time to get on track. For now concentrate on being there for your daughter. Respecting what your mom has done for you and concentrating on what YOU need to do for you and your daughter. From the way you explain things, you have it better then most. Not saying I don't understand your situation or am not sympathizing. I do, and I am. Take it one day at a time.

single mother,<br />
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i am sad to read of your situation. I am also raised by a single mother who struggles at first when my dad passed away. It wasnt easy. Handling with sudden responsibility of cacring 2 children is not a joke, me and my sister. Our relatives treated us like pest, not that we are as such. They will avoid us as far as they can. Such a shocker but yeah. Even my grandma hesitated to help out. Bear in mind that we are just asking for moral support, not for money or other survival needs.<br />
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As time pass, my mum got it going and till today i am surprised that i am in NZ studying with my mums money running in the back ground, surpporting my every step. Better yet, my sister is also in University studying as well. All these that we got have not been surpported by anyone in the family. So i can only say one thing from all these. Friends do come when you are in need. NOt all but some of that kind do exist. However, relatives, 95% of the time will bail.<br />
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Lastly, i have no solution to your problem. However, if you do believe in a higher power, he is there to guide you. The future will unfold as you walk through it. You will make it through.

Just some pep for your step:<br />
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Don't ask yourself "Am I strong enough?"<br />
Instead ask "Can ____ handle me?"<br />
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Your a mom, you've experienced something so many people never will or could never handle.<br />
You have strength in you, don't wait or ask for it to come out. Take everything life throws at you and you'll find in those stormy times in your life you just have to hold on to yourself and your child because that's the only thing that matters. There's always a calm after the storm.<br />
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I'm sure you'll find your way through this.

I have never been abusive nor aggressive but my wife chose to move with our baby and stay with her mom. She thinks she can do it by herself. I have always been nice and gentle with her and with everyone. She seemed always satisfied with our marriage despite the small a our arguments and fights we had for stupid things, but we always made up. Now I'm striving to get her back and offer the best life's conditions to our baby. But she doesn't care to all what I do nor the way I feel. I hope she our will change her mind and think better about future all together

from happines4u<br />
no problem. you work in health care. get a older person who may be in a old age home & is fit & would love to be useful in looking after your child & staying with you. it will take a bit of searching or even an old lady staying alone who might love to have you as a companion & help you with the child. home expenses can be shared as she may have her own income or a pension from the govt<br />
work it out like ive suggested

Hello There; <br />
<br />
I have a few words for you. I am a single mother too. It is NOT EASY AT ALL, and I have all of my mom's help. <br />
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I would suggest you get a live in baby sitter (maybe a student) I can tell you that Hispanic non-Americanized are the best sitters in the world. Someone who is willing to stay at home with your child on a daily basis in exchange of you providing a roof, food, and some allowance that would be the same or less that what you are paying right now. Ask around, do police checks, and put a camera you can check from a computer for your own sanity. That would work for a while until you get and save some money.<br />
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In Addition, start thinking about going back to school. I know it sounds crazy but with a better education you increase your chances of making more money in less time. Moreover, you could get financial aid and they might even pay for your school, sitter, transportation, if you are low income. Depending on the state you live in. This way you could accommodate you school better and will give you a chance to move forward not just economically but personally as well.<br />
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Depending on you level of education, there are jobs you can do from home. A virtual assistant is usually the best if you know how to type, and have experience dealing with customer's calls. Try to think what you are really good at ( cooking, designing, painting), and then make a living on the side. My neighbour sells pies, and beef parties. She makes some good money. Sell Avon, sell something. <br />
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Another quick fix is if you don't mind staying home with your little one, enjoying her and make some extra money, is to consider studying for being a home daycare(it takes only like 3 months). You can spend time with your kid while making money until your little one goes to school everyday. <br />
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I know the next one sounds kind of awkward but going to churches to socialize might not be half bad idea. You can meet really interesting good hearted ppl in those places. ppl you can count on and would be willing to help. <br />
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I'll make a quick list for you of possible solutions to your problem:<br />
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1. Get a live-in sitter ( you need to do the homework making sure she is trustworthy)<br />
2. Go to college or university to upgrade your skill sets ( this will assure you make more money)There are some on-line course available as well at every college.<br />
3. See if you can find a job that will allow you to work from home. Including selling products you make and are good at. <br />
4. Consider becoming a baby sitter yourself from home. This way you can spend time with the little one and make money at the same time, combine it with #3 and you got yourself a deal.<br />
5. Socialize make contacts to take care of your little one in case of emergencies.<br />
6. This I did not mention, but look into getting help from the government. Sometimes they have allowances on single mother on baby sitting and other kind of things like this. You paid takes your whole life, then, just it's time to ask them for it back.<br />
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Finally, most importantly. Please take good care of yourself. Remember the most important thing is your quality of life and your kid's. You need to spend time with him, you need to be there for him. It is far more important than putting a lot of food in his belly. Everything has to have a balance. If you don't have time for him because of your job, you need another kind of job. They are only this age once, don't miss it. It is the best. Even if you live modest for a few years give him/her all of your love now. He/She will be more grateful for your love that for everything you can buy him at this point. Money can't buy love. But love can buy the world girl. <br />
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Every now and then make sometime for you. Exercise, eat right, get a nice massage, manicure. You deserve it too. If you feel good you will make ppl around you feel good. <br />
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I would forget about your mom, your ex, and your "bf". There are three ppl in your life that seem not to add anything good right now. You need ppl that will and can support you. Those are the kind of ppl you should have around. No dramas, no conditions just good friendships and empathy. I hope it helps, I know you have so many responses. But I gathered all poss. solutions for you to think about. <br />
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I wish you the best of luck, and my God Bless you and your baby everyday.

Your situation is a tough one. I give you a lot of credit and you need to give yourself credit too for all the work you have put in. That being said, have you considered a day care facility like a pre-school arrangement. Numerous churches and high schools have them and charge a lot less than the baby sitting you are currently getting. Also, it's more stable because you take them there in the morning and then you get her in the afternoon. <br />
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Also, you have rights I think as a single parents. There is such a thing as family leave, which you might be eligible for so that you can get your day care situation straightened out. It would help too if you could take two weeks and really look for a good preschool. Being increasingly stressed out is only going to make you do less well at work, and really you're all your child has, and you sound like a terrific mom who has gone through a lot. <br />
<br />
Also get a baby sitter that you can pay for one night a week, and then use that evening to go get a massage, go to a cafe and drink something nice with a book, or go to a concert, go out to a meetup, etc. You need to reconnect with yourself. <br />
<br />
Good luck!!

you can always message me if you need to talk

are you involved in church? sometimes it can be a great community of people to find childcare. Maybe speak to someone in the children's ministry. Its worth a shot anyway. Plus, they can pray for you. That works WONDERS. <br />
<br />
Wish you well. <br />
John 3:16

Your life is almost an EXACT replica of mine!!! You are not alone....and mothers (especially mine) have a way of making you feel terrible for "using" their time, even though they offered it up in the first place. But, believe me when I say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be patient and stick it out til then. Best of luck to you.

That hurts! And to think my mother was so supportive - I wish you were in Surrey, England

I hope everything worked out for you with the Single parent Room mate thing. I have much respect for single mothers like you who are tryiing thier best. I've had a dead beat dad, so i seen how ridiculous dead beat, non interested baby factory parents can be. My heart and prayers go out to you!

First of all let me start by saying that you are very strong I've been through hell also but you are magical and very strong. I am very pround of women like you. <br />
<br />
About your mother this makes you realize that peple can promise you roses and happiness but will they keep their promise and if they don't what will you do. <br />
<br />
Always think of the good and the bad before making a decision....I've lerned the hard way.<br />
<br />
I have no family, I have no one and life still pretty hard when you have no family. I have a four year old and a boyfriend ....<br />
<br />
good luck.

Its a shame that your mother encouraged you to come home with promises to help with the baby and now seems unwilling to do so. It is possible that caring for the baby is harder on her than she thought. Over the years she has probably forgot a lot of how much a full time job raising kids is and caring for the baby might wear her out more than she expected it to.<br />
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The deal with living with another single mother and sharing child care an expenses and things sounds like it might be a good deal for you. Also have you talked with your ex about maybe him relocating closer to you so that he can assume some of the responsibility? That would help ease things for you at least a little bit.

Funny...I thought you were going to say in your story that YOU were going to be the one to work from home; then you wouldn't have to pay for childcare OR need a sitter (except on occasion)!

Wow... you have a lot of feed back on this story, so I apologize if this was already suggested in someone else's comment.... but have you ever thought about opening up your own daycare? It is one of the most lucrative, but rewarding careers available and it would allow you to both provide for your daughter, as well as RAISE HER YOURSELF! I am sure you know how hard it is to find, even just decent childcare these days and doesn't it just seem silly to be spending such a large portion of your paycheck, just so that you can have the opportunity to earn it... just my little suggestion to you, I am currently in the process of remodeling my house in preparation for starting my own daycare :-) in this day and age, society does not often allow families to live comfortably with only one parent working, and it is a shame... look at the effect it is having on our children's generation... I am not sexist, by any means... nothing says that the woman can't work while the man stays home and raises the children... but I believe that at least one parent should be able to stay at home and raise the children.... instead of having MTV, or Mario and Luigi raise them... Good luck to you... another option, which I am sure someone HAD to have mentioned already, is to take his *** to court! You were not alone when you made the baby... you should not have to be left to raise it alone :-)

any one can go on with their lives with out a man... my "dad" kept on leaving my mom like 3 times when i was a child... he did it again when my brother was born... and he did it again 7 years ago... after the last time there was no getting back... my mom was left with out a penny in her purse (no lie)... she was left with nothing, she had to move with one of her brothers and all he did was treat her like a maid, and him and his wife talked **** to her... she put up with that because she was pregnant and couldn't work... she didn't last living there, she finally moved out, got a job, and a car... and after that it all changed for her... a single mother of four kids... now living in a house by herself with her kids... and about to start buying a house...

I have the same experience like yours. I am raising my child alone from day one. It's quite a task and sometimes get overworked. I give some time to myself for reflecting and do activities I like(reading, music ). It's gives me immense energy to bounce back.

moving in with the other single parent would be a good idea BUT make sure you set up reasonable boundaries with each other and become very clear with each other in navigating each other's space. Don't let things stew with your new roomate and remember that each of you will parent differently and have a different set of values and opinions. As long as you set these boundaries up ahead of time and agree to keep the lines of communciation open, it should work. Also work out any financial arrangements before you move in together. I suggest putting it down on paper and each of you signing it. Agree to review your boundaries and financial agreements every so often. The value of having it written down is that it is there as a reminder of what each of you agreed to.

You have so much to contend with, I hope everything works out for the best!

I feel so sorry you have to face all this! Your mother was certainly sincere when she said she wanted to help you, but now, she realizes it's too much for her - I find her really selfish! - how could she go back to full-time work? She really has no intention of taking care of C long!<br />
My suggestion is to go back to the place you used to live with your former husband.<br />
It's true he has a new relationship and this woman won't be so happy seeing you and the kid moving back there, but I'm sure your husband will be happy to see his daughter regularly, even once a week would be helpful. Also C would be happy to see her father more regularly, and I'm sure you could count on him more than your mother!

i salute you friend. ur realy very hard.

KassieKat, <br />
<br />
A huge thank you to you for this comment. No one has ever seemed to understand why I try never to ask anyone for anything. It is a vulnerable feeling to have a need. Self-sufficiency is much safer, and when I need something I frequently experience that as humiliation. This is my neurotic stuff that I struggle with. It has been a relief and also a challenge over the past two years to finally admit to needing help sometimes. <br />
<br />
But with mom, when she acts burdened by babysitting, she is not asked to babysit the next time, which upsets her. And around we go...

Every road is paved with good intentions until the actual help is needed and then it gets too much for the grandparents. Extended family is very important to the grandchild because its adding more to the child's ability to grow stronger and smarter.

Your mother is passive-aggressive and there is nothing you can do about it. My mother was the same way...and made the same offer to help and be there for me if I would move thousands of miles back after my divorce. When I arrived back home...she informed me that she had raised her kids and now wanted her freedom...and that she was not my son's babysitter. I didn't get any child support (deadbeat dad) and I raised my son all by myself without any help from my ex or my family. I even finished college...so it can be done. It's a lonely road sometimes...and it's exhausting and frustrating...but your child is what makes it worth your while...at least that's how it was for me.<br />
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Look out for yourself and your daughter's happiness...and leave your mom completely out of the equation. That's what I did. I met someone I loved eventually...and we moved to be with him. After a few years...my mom understood how she had really messed things up when we were no longer living 10 minutes away. By then...it was too late...and she had no one to blame but herself.<br />
<br />
You can forgive your mom on your own terms...but distance yourself from her when she starts being passive-aggressive. I do this by not asking for anything. Yes it sucks...especially when you see other people's moms doing what's right by them...but you have enough on your plate without having to deal with your mom and her unhealthy issues.<br />
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I think you moving in with another mom...and sharing expenses and child care duties is the right move. It will not only help you financially...but emotionally and mentally as well. If this had been an option for me back in the 80's and 90's. I would have jumped at the chance.<br />
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You're a very strong woman...and I'm so proud of what you've already accomplished. Hang in there...you are not alone. Good luck! :)

As Comment #46, I can hardly see how I would stand out, but here goes... Your mom seems to be not helping as much as a mother should. The longer you stay in that spot, the harder it will be to adjust your daughter in a new environment. Personally? I'd see what I could do to make the move closer to my significant other. Then maybe your mother will get the point that she is most definitely reneging on her promise.

I agree with BrokeElectric on many points. Yes, it gets so much better with Kindergarten. I too have posted in the local college in the child developement department. Great results.<br />
Your mother sounds like she forgot what really is involved in meeting a young persons needs and probably didnt think it was going to be what it was, but yes, she is totally backing out.<br />
You can go back to court and ask that your ex pay full amount because he is not visiting or cares to see your daughter and that his home is inappropriate to visit due to the other woman, but that may be opening a can of worms.<br />
You could move in with the other single parent to share expenses but that could go bad in a heartbeat depending whose name was on the lease.<br />
You have many options. You do not have to take any or all of them. You could go half way. <br />
Try out a sitter from the college while you are home catching up on chores that way you can observe the interaction of the sitter and your child.<br />
You can move in with the other parent for 3 or 4 days/nights a week before a full commitment to see if this has a prayer of working- parenting styles are really the key here. The last thing you want is to find that the other parent has greater issues than you and you are without warning homeless. Have your arrangement in writing if this seems like a viable option for you.<br />
You are independent and are looking for some relief from the stress of always having to be on and I get that, really. I was there and my ex wouldnt even watch his daughter because it would give me a break and some financial slack- I had to pay for everything with no child support too!<br />
So know that you can do this. Know it will get better. <br />
You have my best,<br />
W

you can do it before you know it your little one will be off to school and you'll only have to pay for part time care, to hell with your mother my parents mind my daughter 2 hours a day i insist on paying them that way its a business arangement and thy can't moan at me if i'm late. thats how life is do it all by your self you don't need anyone else you and your daughter, thats all you need. i think you're marvelous and you'll make it by your self and anyone new who comes into your life will have the height of respect for you as a strong independant woman who refuses to rely on others.

Totally selfish of your mom. I understand where she is coming from, but if that's the way she feels then she shouldn't have stepped up and offered herself as a child care provider.<br />
I give you props for doing the best for your child and weighing out the options for her and yourself. I'm not a single parent and I can't imagine it,(not just twice as much work, more like four times as much work!) and I can't say I have any good advice, but moving in with another single parent sounds like it just might work to your advantage.<br />
I wish you much luck and keep on keepin on, girl!

s. i honestly couldnt find another word that hasnt already been said. i know many single mothers who are also doing it tough, and despite all odds, are slowly winning the battle. youll get there sweetheart, just keep doing what ya can and take comfort from all the above letters. i wish you all the very best for your future. take care. x

Hang in there. I have been in that situation too. My kids are now 9 and 7. It's still hard but much easier than when they were very young. My mom doesn't speak to me at all or talk to her grandkids. She has 4 (2 from my brother and 2 of mine). <br />
I have no family here in my area and my family is 700 miles away. <br />
I always feel frustrated, even to this day about my ex but I know it's not long and children grows fast. Hang in there.

Don't give up!!!!!!!!I believe you can solve it all by yourself!!!!!Be strong....

It's very hard - very hard to cope with life as a single parent. You have every right to rant the way you did. I don't think you are being selfish. Consistent help from anyone - be it family or friends is always needed - we can't do it all on our own and need reliable people to stand with us. I can hear how tired you are. The constant working, the constant dishing out money drains our brains. <br />
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Have you talked to your mother and asked her to please help you out? Asked her to commit to at least one day for you. If she says no, what about a mothers helper - with schools out for the summer, you may be able to get a local college kid to help you and not have to pay a lot. And they usually drive. Try checking with your town youth programs. They sometimes have a listing of sitters or mother's helpers. <br />
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I know it's not a permanent answer for you, but it may give you a bit of time compile your thoughts better on what you should do or where you should go. <br />
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And if your Mom never worked at home before - it is going to be hard for her. it takes lots of concentration and dedication to do it (I've done it for 25 years) AND it's hard for friends and family to understand that you are working at home. <br />
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I wish you much luck in your situation... Please try and get some rest.. it will help so much in decision making.

I'm a single Daddy and know how scary it is facing care of a young child all alone. I didn't think I could do it, but I AM doing it. Some days are really hard, but overall the ups make up for the downs. God knows I hope for an easier way sometimes, but my son is my responsibility and I am a caring capable father. Until I cannot care for him, I *WILL* care for him to the best of my ability.<br />
You can too.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time.I was a single parent most of my kids life (now grown) and I know it is difficult. You are blessed to have a good job and Im hoping that since its been awhile since you 1st posted, maybe things are better.<br />
Ok now for the other side of the story....<br />
I have a daughter who is a single parent. She has a good job and works hard. Mostly the person she has to depend on is me. I work full time and drive about an hour each way. Sometimes she gets upset with me because I won't babysit, but sometimes I'm just tired! The other thing is with overnights, I don't get much sleep because I do not have a separate room for her. <br />
Maybe your Mom has done the best she can, or maybe she didn't realize how much you would need from her when she offered.<br />
Some people just can't give of themselves. My mother very seldom babysat for my kids or my niece. She loved them, but she was busy with her own life.<br />
<br />
I can't even imagine paying as much as you do for childcare, and I'm sure all your expenses are high. I think you should move closer to her father, and have him be responsible (unless he is really a bad person and you don't want her around him) A woman should not have to do it all on her own, and men need to step up! I hate that my daughter can not even think about leaving her child with her daddy, because he just doesn't get how to take care of a toddler, and he isn't mature enough himself. <br />
God Bless you and your daughter and look to your community for help. There are programs to help single moms, and maybe you could qualify.

Thanks for the comments. <br />
<br />
@sweetnsensual: My grandmother had a saying: "Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe."

GOOD ADVICE

I would add something to this but everything has already been said by others so I'll just say that your story touched me because you're obviously struggling with a tough situation but you're handling it admirably and I admire you so much for that. Your daughter has a very special mom. Bless you guys.

And make sure to raise your child believing that in the end we cant depend on any one for ****. Yeah you may look at it in an pessimistic way , but hey @ least that way if anyone lets you down, you already know u cant rely on anyone. It wont be such a shock. You cant depend on your mother, let alone an Ex husband that has moved on. Never feel intimidated that you cant ask **** from your Ex/Father of your child. Screw that. Both parties have to go 1/2 n 1/2. In good and bad. I wish u the best.

Hmmm..it sure sounds like your mom is not keeping her promise to you. I have three grandsons in another state and would give anything to see them more often! Oh well, we are all different. I think you should move closer to your significant other while your child is still young. Your mother isn't helping you anyway. The younger a child is when she moves, the better she can adapt. I know this from personal experience. Make yourself happy or your daughter won't be happy either. I wish you and your precious daughter all best!

Thank you LifesGardener and LaurenNaomi. You both offer good advice. <br />
<br />
This is a featured story on EP at the moment, which surprises me. I'm also rather shocked to find that 20 people have "liked" it on Facebook. Wow. <br />
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This was written last summer and I now have things better under control. As LN states above, I just accepted that I had no one else to rely on and that was the bottom line. Making that my MO removed a lot of the stress of counting on help that didn't come through. I have also accepted that there is no permanent "solution." Life will keep changing and I will constantly be rejiggering and adjusting The Plan. It is what it is.

Sweet heart, I know how you feel.. I am a single mom raising two boys with no help from dad<br />
an no you are not wrong for getting upset that your mother is going back on her word.. but just realize that the only person you can truly depend on is yourself. <br />
once you take control of your own life and stop depending on others to help takes care of your child<br />
(even though they offered) believe me you will be much happier and less stressed.<br />
Find two people (other then your mother) who you can rely on to care for your child when school is not in session and find reasonable prices as well, only use your mother as a drastic last resort and eventually your mother will start to ask you if she can take her .. just give it time.. I know what its like to not have anyone to rely.. so thats why i say the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.<br />
Try becoming involved with a church and I promise you will find family there, people who may be willing to help you out when you need it... Also dont worry about your childs father.. my kids have not seen nor heard from their dad for over 5 years and they are just fine.. it is your ex that is missing out.. <br />
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And remember god will not give you more then you can handle at one time

Out of the blue, for no special reason, completely unexpected send your mother some flowers, a coupon to get ther nails done or a message for her do alone and then tell her if she would like you to go along you will join her but you want her to enjoy in whatever way makes her best realize how much you appreciate having her in your life and that appreciation existed far before you had your child. <br />
Keep your child in daycare and take your mother to a early dinner, just the two of you and talk about anything other then the weather and your day. <br />
I have two children your age and after loosing my husband I looked at the relationship between myself and my children differently. They really don't have time for me unless it is to watch the grandbaby( my pleasure and joy) or if they have some work that they need help on. I love doing that for them but I realize that I really want to connect with them. Just be a person who is worth knowing now and then. <br />
I have been taking care of my parents for the last 7 month and now I need to go and give me some time to mend from loosing my husband. Isn't sad that I don't really want to go and visit my children because they make that big gap in my life feel so much bigger.

Dont give up my mom was in the same situation igrew up seeing my mom stuggle and it drew closser to her all the more I had a real job at age 13 working for the county ie working at the school community college county parks idid all of this to help my mom Im a softy for struggling single moms if became a miilionaire i would set up a program for women such as your self. keep the faith!!

Well come and start a new life with me here inOz!!

i've been accused of emotional abuse as well. what does that mean, anyway?

FREE LOOK IT UP .GOOGLE IT

Hello, I want to express that I understand how you feel about your mother. I too feel that I have been let down by my mother on various occasions. When I was in labor with my 2nd child my mother brought her new boyfriend to the hospital so that we could meet for the first time. It was uncomfortable at best and to me seemed to be lacking any interest in my own feelings. My mother wanted me to stay with her for a couple of weeks while I was recovering from my c-section and offered to help care for the new born since my husband would be working long hours. This offer was made to me because she expressed concern that I would not physically be able to care for a toddler and an infant after my c-section. However, when I settled into her place, she left for a prolonged stay with the new boyfriend. I had some "baby blues" and felt very isolated since this was my mothers home and I was the only party living there. As most mothers know infants require a lot of care and I was also trying to complete household chores like laundry and dishes. I ended up opening my incision and had to call my dad to pick me up and take me to the ER. For a time I was very angry with her because I felt abandoned by her at a time when I really needed her help. I pushed myself to get past the anger and accept that she wanted her own life. I just wish that she hadn't offered the help if she was going to isolate me at her home. I could have done that at my own home and seen my husband every night. When my children got older and I was back at work my mother offered to watch the kids 3 days a week. Eventually this became too much of a burden to her and I continually received complaints that she felt she had no time to herself. I decided to cut her loose from the agreement and now spend over $200 a week in day care services. This has been about four years now and though it has been very difficult financially I feel stronger for the experience. Though I am not a single parent I have had difficult situations where I needed someone to lean on and based on my past experiences I have not chosen my mother as this person. I do want to add that during my childhood I had a lot of my childcare provided to me by my grandparents because both of my parents worked full-time. I found it difficult to understand how she could regularly rely on my Grandma for so much yet I was inconsiderate for asking her for help. A previous reader commented that we are from different generations and our values tend to change. I believe that this is true and I urge you to take away any responsibility for childcare from your mother. Allow her any quality time of course but avoid expectations for regular babysitting. You will both feel better about the situation. She will feel no expectation for her services and time and you will not have to feel guilty about taking her help.

I agree there are some nice guys who would commit out there as would not mind a child if they were right for me

Forget about your ex, give your significant other on notice and find a guy that is willing to commit. I know that you think your situation is bad but it will get better, have faith.<br />
There are a lot of men out there so don't waste time waiting for the ones in your life to step up. If they havn't by now they will not! Do like I do, put on something sexy and go out and find one! Quit waiting for Mr perfect, he doesn't exist and the cute bad boys are a waste of time. Get a guy that is willilng to commit and forget the ones that don't. There are plenty of them out there just waiting for you!

Thanks, Diane. I truly appreciate your thoughts. <br />
<br />
After this latest episode, I did make the paradigm shift to planning for her to be completely useless. It makes things more difficult up front, but will be less so at the back end. <br />
<br />
Thanks again for your vote of confidence.

Your story seems to be about what you can or can't handle. From all the comments, and from your responses, it's clear to me that you can handle anything life throws at you. You won't like it, but you'll get through it, and your daughter will be fine. You will raise her well because you have the drive to do so. <br />
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More recent responses (yours) indicate a growing resentment of your mother for deceiving you. Yes, she was wrong to do that. No, you can't do a ton to change her mind. But what you need to keep in mind yourself is that the way she acts does not control your life. Whether or not she helps you as she should (and promised to do), you'll get through it. Try to forgive, even if you can't forget. Plan as if she is completely useless, and then thank God when she follows through -- see it as a bonus instead of counting on it in the first place. Then you'll be less hurt when she reneges, and your life will be more stable because it won't be depending on someone unstable to keep it together. <br />
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I have zero advice as to the logistics of all this, but your commenters seem to know what's going on. Keep your head up and remember that you have complete power. You will have a lot of trouble based on the flaky people in your life, but all the decisions are in your hands. Remind yourself of that, and act on it. <br />
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Best of luck. You'll be in my prayers, and I admire the way you're handing this. Keep it up.

I share a similar problem wherein I get little to no support from my mother. She feels that I am an adopt (after all I am 47); however, when my marriage broke up last year after thirteen years, no one was there. My husband depleted all of the money from our joint accounts and cancelled our joint credit cards. He did anything and everything to destroy me. Was my family there to give me a hug or a kind word - NO. It was easier for them to ignore the situation and to remain in their own little bubbles of their worlds. It's too bad that you don't have another single mother to help you and you to help her. I am medically disabled due to muscle spasms in my neck but live alone (and along with that am lonely) and it's too bad that we probably live far apart from each other because I believe that we could help each other out as "sisters". Love is the answer. Good luck my friend.

This brings it all back. my kids are now aged 12 and 14. I raised them by myself from when my youngest was born - my ex had mental health (documented) issues, as well as being a violent, bullying control freak. My mum would say the same even though she didn't work. I've done the dental appts, drs appts, hospital appts, school and nursery drop offs, cooking& cleaning, gardening, DIY (I can even lay a wooden floor now), paying billsetc by myself.<br />
All I can say is that, when kids get older, it does get easier. You are at a disadvantage because you are working full time. I hope that you can continue to find the strength to carry on, I am thinking about you and understand what you are going through.

keep trying. It is a big transition for everyone involved when a family member moves in to your home. You will make it. Have you tried govt assistance like HUD and stuff like that?

it why I so much for free and subsided child care as but the real issue is the state of child enforment which is totaly broken as men can easly flee and go underground and instead of trying to track those down they pass laws to take away drivers licences for those trying.<br />
what I love to see is the goverment making the payment as then they realy go ofter deadbeat dads and if they can make the payment then there drafted so they can

You sound like a strong person. When I went through my divorce, I went back to the job I did because they were very understanding when I needed to take time off to care for a sick child, but I know that all organizations aren't like this (and that job didn't allow at-home options either, and it was in the city, which made it even more challenging). It's too bad your mother is reneging on her promise. A woman once said to me, "Don't have children until you're ready to raise them by yourself." I thought it was a terrible thing at the time, but it wound up being very true. It all falls on us one way or another. For men it's almost an option. If they decide to leave, they can, leaving you with all of the responsibility, and if you don't have a lot of support around you, it's years of frustration.<br />
I did manage to develop a very good network of other mothers and we've been able to take each other's kids when necessary. Perhaps you can find some other moms around who are in similar situations who need the same kind of support you do. <br />
I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the advice...<br />
<br />
I can't work from home, I have to go see patients, and I am in as good of a job as exists in my field. Maybe being a professor would be better vacation and time wise, but not as good as far as pay.<br />
<br />
I pay for day care 50 hours per week. It costs me $580 per month. <br />
<br />
My child care is being cut because my (still!) husband has other dependents now, and that is the law in both his state and mine. My current state has jurisdiction, because he signed off on it, so the cut won't be as severe as if the state we lived in together had jurisdiction. <br />
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Mom may want her freedom, and I suppose she is entitled to it, being that this is my child and all. But the fact is that she ASKED me to come here. She selected my apartment for me on the basis that it was close to her house and trips back and forth with baby would be easier on her and me. So clearly, the offer was to help me. Now, she has the option to renege. It leaves me high and dry, but "it's not her responsibility to help me," right? It just means that she doesn't live up to her promises, and she has less character and integrity than I would appreciate in my parent. I certainly would never treat my own daughter that way. <br />
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Now, things would be different if she had told me, "Don't come down here and expect me to help you. I'm living my own life and I am busy doing my own things." <br />
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What I'm talking about here is HONESTY. What I'm talking about is living up to your WORD. <br />
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So she can do whatever she wants, and I am going to make sure that things are okay for me and my daughter, and I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that we are okay. I was "the normal sibling" and was left to raise myself alone, and now I am basically left to raise my daughter alone. In the long run, it will make me a stronger person. I can do it. Provided I don't get fired for taking off too much sick time...