This Is My Messed Up Story!

I been sitting on my computer reading inspirational stories of single mothers that almost brought me in tears, but im glad i did cause i feel a lot better now and its only fair i share my messed up life story.

Talk about the most complicated story of my life.

This all started in 2008, i started dating a guy i been friends with for few years the same year i started my first year of university. I was head over heels and madly in love, cause he was my first boyfriend and first relationship. So i was just going crazy for him. Before we started he told me he had gotten a girl pregnant through a one night stand intercourse but assured me they were not together. At that point i said ok im glad you are up front and honest about everything. I still accepted him which also mean i whole heartedly accepted his daughter before she was even born. But boy was i in for the most dramatic and rollercoaster moment of my life. My parents told me to leave him and how he's no good for me, i told them they cant judge someone they dont know and that i was in love with him and thats all that mattered to me at that point in time. My whole family stopped talking to me because of it, my dad stopped supporting me as long as i was still with that boy. Yet i refuse to listen to anyone. Instead i played a double game, i lied to my parents that i was no longer with him cause i didnt want to hurt them but obviously i was still with him cause i was in love with him.

My dad kicked me out of the house  and told me to find my own place when the news got to him that i was still with him, he stopped talking to me and swore he won't till the day he dies. I ended up finding my own place, got a permanent part-time job to support myself and going to university full time.

Things were going great the first six months. He then told me his daughter was born, i sat him down and i said look since you claimed there is nothing between you guys i still want you to be part of your childs life and i will too if you and the mother let me. He said sure, as long as you have aceepted me then i dont mind you being in my daughter's life. Things were still going good. Probably 7-8months all of a sudden i started hearing rumours that he was still with his baby mama whom he claimed he had nothing to do with and it was just a one night stand. I confronted him about it. He brushed it off by saying African people talk alot and people would say anything to see us apart and i should stop listening to people. Stupid me i believed him forgetting to realised that it might be true considering we lived 3 hours (via train) away from each other.

One day i came for a visit at his house during my uni break, only to see his baby mama walking into his house and demanding to take her clothes and her daughters clothes and she started insulting me. I ignored her and  took nothing of it. After she left i asked him i asked him what her clothes were doing in his house and his bedroom. He claimed she brought his daughter for a visit. And to me at that point anything for him to see his daughter made me happy in the sense that i didnt make him to abandond his daughter, so i forgot about it all. However, i started havign the feeling that there was much more going on between them than just seeing his daughter. But he denied all accusations, i believed him cause i was still in love with him. As this drama continued he then changed and became very abusive and very angry everytime i accuse him of being with his baby mama.

I endured a lot of humiliation and physical abuse from him. Yet i still stayed cause i was still madly in love with him. I did everything for him i tried to encourage him to go back to school to do something with his life that will benefit his daughter, himself and his family. If it meant i had to pay for his courses, i did just that just to help him out. He eventually lost his job, and i felt it was my responsibility as a good girlfriend to help him out where i can with my income from work and my scholarships. I didnt feel the pressure cause i was once again in love with him.

But then things started falling apart, and i finally came to my senses that he was actually still seeing his baby mama that he claimed he had nothing with. He was constantly calling her, he would like he was going to work when in fact he went to see her and never come home. I was getting hurt, i cried and cried but at this point i had no one to run to. I told my friends they adviced me to leave him and how he was just using me to get want he wants. I didnt listen to them cause he made me feel like he was the only one that loved and cared about me and my family and friends were trying to ruin what we had. He manipulated and played games with my mind, when he notices i was trying to leave, he would come to my place and stay with me for weeks according to that was his way of showing me he loved me and was not seeeing the other girl. Talk about stupid i believed and fell for all the lies.

I thought ok maybe forgive him, for he didnt know what he was doing and was only seeing the girl so he would be able to see his daughter. He started trying to do the things i wanted him to do to get me to think he was a changed guy and was nothing everything to be with me. Few months after that i recieved phone calls from the other girl claming they are together and have always been and they been sleeping with each other and how she was at his house this very moment. Boy was i cut deeply and hurt. I cried and cried and i called him up and told him what she had told me. He rushed to the house and started physically abbusing the girl telling her she had no right to call me and tell me anything. Yet he denied and continued to deny about them seeing and sleeping with each other.

I know everyone thought i would have left him based on all these things, but stupid me didnt cause he kept lying and manipulating my mind, and i stayed and continued to put up with all the bullshit, when i knew deep down i was worth so much more and could easily find someone better than him and move on. Yet it seemed like the hardest thing to do cause i felt like i gave up everything for him, lost my virginity to him, i was 100% still faithful to him and felt like he was all i had and didnt know what i would do if i then lost him.

The following year around june i started hearing rumours that the girl was pregnant for him the second time around i called him to come see me, he came and i asked him he completely denied it and said he is not responsible and that the girl had her other bf who got her pregnant and he had not seen her for the last 3 months. I still believed him, gosh just reading as i type on makes me feel so stupid and useless for putting myself though all this.

On september 16th 2009, on this 22 b-day he asked me to come down where he lived to spend his b-day with him, i told him i would really love to but i still have university to worry about and i had my clinicals on that day so i could not. He got mad and switched his phone off so i could no longer contact him. With this guilt playing in my head, i started feeling sick while i was on placement  and i could not concentrate, so i was eventually sent home. When i got him i booked the next flight down for me to see him and fianlly spend the rest of the day with him, when i arrived to i tried to call him but still could not reach him cause his phone was switched off. I took the train to his house and when i got there, i knocked and knocked only to hear a baby cry and but no one would open the door. The all of a sudden he opened it and i saw him and this same girl he claimed was pregnant for someone else with him, and i was whats going on. She quickly said, "i am 4 months pregnant for him" and i was like what nah its a lie after all he said he is not responsible and u were messing around with aother dude. And he was like "look , i dont think im the right gy for you, maybe you should find someone else"  at that point i just wanted to drop dead and he asked me to leave or he will call the cops. So i left his house pouring my eyes out, i felt like a complete and stupid fool. I then went to stay with a friend and left 2 days later. And i told him that was it, im done and its over for good.

Few months past with no contact from him, only to find him at my door step one night when i finished work with his daughter in the cold. i didnt know how to react but with the little girl in the cold stupid me trying to be a good sameritan i let them in my unit and i asked him what he was doing at my place. He said he came to ask for forgiveness and to appologise for everything he had done to me, and how he loves me and that all he wanted from the other girl was his daughter and he wanted us togther to raise her and swore on everything he didnt know what came over him on his b-day to humiliate me the way he did infront of his baby mama and how he was not responsible and i should give him time to sort his **** out and thinngs will get better between us. I told him i am not the mother and will never be, the mother will never let that happen and i wont blame her. He was at my place for 2 extra days and i finally told him he had to leave and return to his pregnant girlfriend and give me the chance to move on. He left with his daughter and that was it. He kept sending e flowers and cards saying sorry.

At that particular stage i was still struggling to get over everything, the lies, the humiliation, the physcial abuse, the shame and just everything he had put me through but yet i still had feelings for him and i could not understand why. After all that we sort of got back together cause he convinced me to believe he was not responsible for her pregnancy and stupidly once again i believed him. When i friends found out i was with him they all stopped talking to me and called me names and said i was stupid for taking him back. I finally moved to where he lived so we could work things out and i tranferred over to another university where he lived. And things were getting better. But i just did not have anyt trust for him, but i kept telling myself things will get better and trust will be restored over time. And i convinced myself to believe if he didnt love me he wouldnt hvae come back to try work things. Not knowing i was being wrong and letting him play and fool my mind once again.

Things fell in place, not knowing another bombshell was baout to explode. While i was being fooled again or while i let myself fooled for the 2nd time around. The girl finally gave birth to a baby boy and she continue to claim he was the father and he continued to deny it to everyone including his family. So one day i went to his house for the weekend, and while i was there i told him i had to go home to get my school stuff. While i left i tried to call him several times but he would not aswer his calls. So i returned to his house only to find the girl there again with the two children. And she told me to leave her house, and i was like its his house not yours. One thing led to the next i got so angery and betrayed once again so i slapped him and he started physically abusing me and he told me to leave once again and how he had been lying to me and hw he is the father of the baby he claimed was not his and he cant leave her with his 2 children for me and how i cant have children. I really dont know how to express what i was feeling, but im sure you can imagine. Anger, frustration, betrayed, stupid, worhtless.....and so on i started to feel maybe i was cursed to be stupid or for me to be used and played. I cried for weeks. Once again he stopped contacting me. This all happened in March of 2010.

So i decided my only solution was to give my life to God and devote my time in the churc i was attending as a way of healing and asking for forgiveness and seeking a new path to life.Little did i know another trouble was heading straight for me. 1 month gone by i was healing well, and i was finally at peace with my self and the curch was supportive. I was happy despise all the hurt i had endure. I prayed for God to reease me from any curse or bondage. Almost the end of that same month i noticed i missed my period, and i was like, this is not normal but the last thing on my mind was pregnancy. I chose to believe my period was late or that i just randomly missed it cause my friends said it is normal. April came by and yet my period was still late. I had no signs or warning. I decided to do a pragnancy test to rule out the worst, and to my nightmare, both test came back positive. Shocked, and sonfused  i booked an appointment to see a doctor, we did another test and it came back positive. I was speechless and in shock because i have been with this same guy for 2 years and have been intimate with him without protection or contraceptives and have never ever fallen pregnant. So i was just in shock and disbelief, I was lost and thought to myself my life is over! pregnant, with the guy responsible off with his girlfriend and 2 children, where do i fit in. First thing that comes to mind is abortion, i wanted to get rid of it and not tell him or anyone to avoid the shame and judgements of everyone. But being a christian i know i had to keep it and pray for God to give me a solution. I thought of everything and weighed all the pro's and con's and decided to keep the baby regardless of the shameful situation it was conceived in and especially the person responsible.

I emailed him and told him i was pregnant, and he's reply was for me to keep it and he will do all he can to support me during this pregnancy. I just felt like dying cause i hate him so much and i have so much anger and resentment towards him i didnt know i was going to survive putting up with him and his manipulation games and lies. He came around my place asking me what i decided, i told him i was keeping the baby.  He started to come around a lot often,  and i thought well this is not was i expected hi mto do i thought he would have just stayed way and  not want to be bothered with my pregnancy. But still yet i knew it could be all a game for him to try manipulate my mind to try and make his way and lies and cheating habbits back into my life and using this pregnancy to his advantage. Not to my suprise, thats exactly what he was trying to do. I told him he should only come around me for the right reason which was to support me as he said, and not try talk his way back into my life. He mad and said 'well whats the point for him coming around, and how he is not the father of my baby, because after all he had been with me for two years and i have never ever gotten pregnant, so i should go look for the father of my baby" I was so hurt when he uttered these words with tears rusing down my face. So he left but came the next day saying he was sorry but i then figured maybe he is denying my child the same way he denied his other two children.

He came to me asking me for help as he was interested in doing a dna test on his two children as he is not 100% sure he is the father and he wants to know so he knows how to handle the situation, so he asked te mother of his children and she refused to let him and claimed she knows whom the father of her children are and he was not the father.  On the same day she packed up all her stuff and her childrens and left his place and said she will not do dna testing. So i told him i cant help he has to seek legal advice if she refused.. I also told him i dont want him no longer in my life and he should just forget about me and my baby and for him to focus on his girlfriend and 2 children. Because i dont want a man denying his own children to be involved in my child's life and i dont want to raise my child with a heartless and abusive person like him. My child deserves better, and i feel like its all my fault that they are born in this messed up situation and going to grow without a father figure in their life, it really kills me. I am now 5 months pregnant and have another 4-5  months to go. I just dont know how i will survive this on my own. I told my parents but no support from them, but i understand maybe i deserve it all for being stupid and naive and worthless.

However, with all this stress and heartbreak I am still going to uni full time, and praying and hoping to finish my degree next year November, i have to finish uni if i want to be independent  and give my  child the best life he deserves. I have applied for governemnt housing, so i can have my own place by the time i have the baby next year January as i am sharing with friends atm. The thing that scared me now is i have lost everything, my family, friends, and the ******* himself. On top of it all pregnant with no actual support, nad i have to go through this on my own, dont know how i will survive, but i know i have to, for the sake of my child. I have to be strong and keep going to school and finish this semester off in october. I pray that i will not let my child down, i only want ot be a good mother and love my child unconditionally. I want to be a good role model to my child even though i have made stupid and wrong choices in life. I want to change it all around for him.

One thing that scares me now is the fear of find a man i will be able to love and trust and be a good father to my child and a loving and devoted, faithful and honest husband to me. I feel like im nothing at this point it time, and i blame myself for all of my stupidity.

And i dont know how to deal with the father, knowing that he is still with his girlfriend that he wont leave because he says he love his children. I feel like i should just forget about the father because my child would not matter or mean a thing to him, cause he's got a daughter and son he loves. I plan on changing my contact number of move on with my life and only focus on God, my child and school.

I still however believe, regardless of this situation, my child is still a blessing and will be a great person! 
dymebabygirl dymebabygirl
18-21, F
Aug 13, 2010