Dating As A Single Mom.... Scary Stuff

So... My friends keep telling me I need to get back out there and date. I honestly, don't see at this point how that would be possible Nor do I feel that I am ready for that.

Dating as a single mom is a pretty scary thing. I no longer have only myself to be concerned about. I have my little boy. He has already been abandoned by his father at three months of age so the idea of bringing a new man into his life that could possibly leave him again is terrifying to me. Sure I don't want to be hurt again but honestly... I'm more concrned about my son's well being.

I sometimes think it would be nice for him to have some sort of "father figure" in his life. A man to look up to... to do "manly" things with. To teach him how to pee standing up lol

Then sometimes... I really like the fact that it's just us. No one to get in the way of our bonding time. No one to question my parenting skills. No one to answer to.

I was "talking" to this one guy. Mostly texting. But I let that fade away because he honestly reminded me of my ex too much. The two of them had a lot in common. They both had kids that they didn't see. To me, a single mom, A man that has children that he doesn't see is a big red flag. I don't care what kind of excuse he comes up with... if you love your children as a father should, you will find a way to see them. Am I right?
And if this guy doesn't care about his own children, then how can I expect him to care about mine? I can't... And I can not and will not start any relationship with a man that can't love my son.

My son is my whole world. Which is another reason dating seems so hard. I just don't have time for it. My little guy is 18 months old and takes up all my time. Honestly... I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to get away for an hour or two... but I'm sure he'd be on my mind the whole time.

Maybe when he's older I will not be so afraid to get back out there. It's going to be hard though. How can I trust anyone with my little guy?
gr8tgrl23 gr8tgrl23
31-35, F
18 Responses Mar 15, 2011

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I felt the same way when my son was younger. He is now 7 1/2 and I feel like I am ready to meet someone. I have dated a couple guys...but it is always in the back of my mind...will he be a good influence for my son? There is one guy I really liked...he was a great guy, would be a great influence. But he was a bit younger than I and was not ready for that yet. I am sad about that. I am not one to introduce my son to anyone right away...and has have actually only let him meet one. But i have the same fear, that he will feel the abandonment all over again. You will know when you are ready. There is no rush. But, you should be happy no matter what path you choose :)

I know you feel lonely, but your son is your priority now. My husband left me twelve years ago. I spent the first seven years raising my two boys and spend the next 5 years upgrading myself. I know have a degree, a job that I love and my sons know that if their mum can do it, so can they. Take care of your son. Dont worry too much about men.

I feel exactly the same way! Its like I could have written this myself. You have even used the same phrases that I would. I think we will both find good men as we know the red flags now. When you are single with no kids you dont have to think about the type of man you meet so much, but now we do so hopefully our choices in future will be good ones.

Lovingfather...<br />
You are right. I wasn't very clear when I wrote that. <br />
If a father is not allowed to see his child(ren) because their mother is being vindictive, and he's fighting it, that is completely different.<br />
What I was referring to is when I have been told the father he doesn't see them because they live too far away, he works too much, or even "i don't know". <br />
However, honestly if I met a man that told me his ex wouldn't allow him to see his children and he had done nothing wrong, it would still send up a red flag for me.<br />
I don't mean to be crass or hurtful but that's the truth.<br />
As a single mom, I struggle everyday with the fact my son has no father. If his father was a loving dad he would be a part of his life. I would never try to keep him away if I thought having him around my son would be good for him. So I find it hard to believe women actually do that. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some women do, there is such a thing as a bad mother.<br />
It's just that I am not ready to take that leap of faith. I don't know that I ever will be. My son is my whole world and I just don't know that I could let myself trust in that situation. <br />
Does that make sense?

I honestly don\'t allow my son to see his dad because he is so irresponsible and I was third in line for child support and the person he married was as ghetto and ridiculous as can be. Not parent material. I can understand and relate to your posting however its hard to describe a situation if you haven\'t lived through it yourself!!! My motto-Nichollee

i read your post and i think that while its easy to assume a man that has children he cannot see is not worthy for any other children to father, it would help to listen to his tale. i am a single father myself and my little girl means everything to me. the thing is her mother that took her and left me out of her own selfish reasons. i would do anything for my daughter and i am fighting for her as we speak. my point is that rather than judging them unfit fathers, you must ask them to tell their stories and you might find that man that will love you and your son as his own. a lot of single fathers love their children more than life itself. i am one of those fathers. i hope that you do find that one man for you as people are not meant to be alone. you sound like a very headstrong mother and parent and i wish you the best of life with your son.

I have been married 3 times. I have children to each of my ex husbands. My 1st husband made life very hard for my 2nd husband when it came to my children but he still tried. My children kept pushing him away. It wasnt until my 2nd husband was killed that my children realized how much they really cared for him and they had lots of regrets. My 1st husband then realized how much of a good man my 2nd husband was and how he tried to help our children.<br />
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I decided to try to stay single but I got myself involved with a married man it was good and bad at the same time. I had my time with him but I felt so guilty towards his wife but I also had my time with my children and he never interfered in our life. Out of guilt towards his wife I tried looking for someone else so he would work things out in his marriage. I met this wonderful man who treated me and my children so well. He had been married twice before and had children in both his previous marriages. But he never had anything to do with his own children. I should of seen the Red flags then. He told me his last wife would not let him see his daughter and his children from his 1st marriage wanted nothing to do with him because he left his 2nd wife. I was so gulliable towards him as I had fallen in love with him.<br />
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We got married and I fell pregnant on our wedding night. After a few months his attituded started changing towards my kids he really wanted nothing to do with them. It started to put a big wedge in between my children and me. Anyways 2 yrs later after I had lost my older children because of him he left me and ran off with another woman. Leaving me with our 2yr old and my 7yr old who looked to him as her Dad because her Dad had passed away. <br />
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I decided that I was never going to let another man into my life and let any of my children or myself be hurt like that again. Then one night a man that i had known for about 18mth came into my work. We hit it off really well. And we started to see each other. He has never been married or had children. He would come and see me after my girls went to bed so we could have our time and he would leave before they awoke as respect for them. If he came to see me during the day he would not make any moves on me but slowly started to get to know my girls. <br />
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We are still taking things slow between us but he has now started to stay over night occasionally at my house and he and my girls are starting to get to know each other.<br />
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I guess my point is this when you least expect it and when your are really not wanting anything from anyone your knight in shining armour may just show up. If you dont give things a chance you may never know what it is that you are missing out on. I have not been this happy for as long as I can remember . I am treated like a princess and he is not a kid person but he is having a go at getting to know my children slowly but he is not trying to be a Dad to them but he is being there friend. my youngest her dad has not seen her or spoken to her in months. And last I heard he has a new baby on the way to a new victim. <br />
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There are good and bad people out there but the right one will turn up when you least expect it. Just dont be scared of who may come into your life if you dont give things a try you may just turn away someone fantastic

You still haven't found anyone fantastic. It sounds like you rush into things after you lost your husband.

When my 2nd husband passed away I got involved with a married man which yes I did rush into someone wanting me and that was my way of coping I married my 3rd husband for all the wrong reasons.
1 to get out of the relationship with the married guy
2 because I thought that I had found someone that really loved me like my 2nd husband did. Boy was I wrong but I just wanted to be wanted and I felt that my 3rd husband wanted me and only me I hated being in a relationship where I shared someone. It was all wrong and I do have lots of regrets but I cant change the past I can only learn by my experiences. My 3rd husband came into my life 2yrs after my 2nd husband was taken from me.

My 3rd husband took off with another woman 7 mths ago. As I said I did not want anyone . I had lots of guys hitting on me but I wasnt interested. I did not want another man in my life. I hated all men and I would of rathered been on my own. But something happened one night and it felt right. I have known the man I am seeing now for a while but I only knew him really through work. Both of us did not want a relationship we were both happy with our lives but you just cant stop fate.
we have been seeing each other for 2mths now . I have learnt alot from my past lessons and I havent let him come full on into our life I am very carefull about that now. But as I said he treats me like a princess he has respect for me and my children. He has only stayed over night at my house once but the girls wanted him to.

I am going to take each day as it comes and go with the flow. What is meant to be will be and that you can never change

I have been through 3 marriages. My 1st and 3rd husband turned out not to be so nice. My 2nd husband was taken from me though death.

The man who is now in my life that I never expected or wanted treats me so differently. I am treated like a princess and I think it is fantastic. I have never known anyone like him before and I am enjoying the time that I have with him. If it is only for a short time that is ok because I now know that there are decent people out there that is the reason I really dont want my kids to get to close to him as they dont need to suffer any more. If it lasts a long time between us I am happy with that aswell.
Life for me is fantastic and I am happy and so are my kids.

You never know what life will bring you. But I do believe that you are where you are meant to be where you are meant to be at the right time. Whether it is to learn lessons in life or repeat them. But I do believe when one door shuts another will open and if you have learnt from your past your future can only be a hell of a lot better.

agonicole I hope that one day you will find spark and happiness in your life again aswell. But just remember everyone is different so for you to move on you cant live your life by past experiences or you will not get off the merry-go-round in your life. A new person in your life is a new experience and as hard as what it is dont judge them by reflecting on what others have done to you in your past move on and learn from your past and make your life happy and fantastic.

I was suppost be married in 2 more months and im due in 2 more months but me and my ex fiancé broke up this month and im not ever going back to him again you know I never thought that I would of been a single mom I mean because the guy I use to be with was like I will never leave you or hurt you and that's exactly what he did and now im stuck with his baby and now I have to depend on my family and I feel horrible about it bc I don't want my family to feel like I threw my baby girl on them and I dident expect things to go this way but im with a guy now that I knew for three years and we had our differences but he said he will take Sophia my unborn daughter in as his own if my ex fiancé don't be there for my daughter and he is way mature and he has no kids never been married so its all new to him so we are taking things slow we both are going to college and we are an hour and 30 minutes away from each other but he really loves me and I really love him so we are taking one step at a time and we have plans on eventually getting us a place but once we get our degrees situated and stuff but im still nervous bc I just graduated high school last year and I would of never thought I would of gotten pregnant this soon but bc I was so in love with my ex fiancé and he smooth talked me I fell for him so quickly that I was blind and I should of left way before I got pregnant but either way I love kids and just to know im about to have my own its just a blessing.

Wish me luck everybody.

2 More Responses

I'm not yet single but will be soon. I have a 10 year old son. I obviously read this to get advice and I've heard some good things. In my job I encounter abused children, often they are very injured and there is a phenomenon and we all say "it's always moms boyfriend". sometimes it's not but very often this is true (one time it was moms significant other) When i consider dating again I always about this and i'm scared. I want to have sex again ! how will i ever do this? i'm just going to be alone i guess until he grows up. it's better than staying in my marriage and safer. I know it's too soon right now. I'm going to take some time to refine my man picking skills.

I can so relate to this. sigh..... I guess you should worry about your baby and do whatever you want in life and he will appear. My kid is 5 his Dad left him 3 times. :( It's sad but hey we have to move on. Dating terrifies me because I feel guilty leaving my child I don't know why I just do. SO I stopped and now I put some goals that I need to achieve mainly for him. :) . I would love for true love to come to me but if it doesn't I know I'll be ok. It does pain me that my child doesn't have a male role model and there's more pain coming but that's just life we have to stick it up with our heads held high and smile :D. My best wishes for you and your baby. God bless. :)

you sound like most people with kids. they don't want to make time or allow anyone else into their life or heart. do watever you want but remember that life goes on with or without kids. your child will grow up and go out into the world. when he becomes a teenager he will want to seperate himself from you they all do cus they want ther independence.

Well written and something I can completely relate to. I have been a single mom for 9 yrs after my divorce. I am completely terrified of meeting anyone after my last relationship which was after my divorce. Into the relationship I realized that he was just as bad as my ex husband. I did not give it time to get to know myself and realize the mistakes I had made previously. I ended that relationship. I do regret not waiting to follow my gut. I am now understanding what it means to put my kid's best interest first. I accepted that I may not ever date until after she is done with college and I am fine with that. I want her to have the best possible chance at understanding love. <br />
So my advice to you is take your time. There is no rush.

Well written and something I can completely relate to. I have been a single mom for 9 yrs after my divorce. I am completely terrified of meeting anyone after my last relationship which was after my divorce. Into the relationship I realized that he was just as bad as my ex husband. I did give it time to get to know myself and realize the mistakes I had made previously. I ended that relationship. I do regret not waiting to follow my gut. I am now understanding what it means to put my kid's best interest first. I accepted that I may not ever date until after she is done with college and I am fine with that. I want her to have the best possible chance at understanding love. <br />
So my advice to you is take your time. There is no rush.

Your story hit home with me. I'm quite a bit older than you but went through a very similar experience about 20 years ago. It can happen to a man too. My then-wife lost interest in our son, was mistreating him (physically and verbally and emotionally), and cheating on me. My son was just 2 at the time. She refused to get help, didn't see any problem, and for reasons I'll never understand wanted to stay married to me. I tried, but she wouldn't, things got worse, finally I had to take my son and leave. He was my main concern and I put him ahead of everything else. To me, that's what it means to be a parent. I've dated since he was little, but trust has been an issue for me, too. I think if I met the right person, I could love and trust again, but I haven't found her so far. My son's now through college and thank goodness has a job he enjoys. I don't regret devoting myself to him, and I've realized being single is a lot better than being in a bad marriage or a bad relationship. I sympathize with you, and I think how you feel now is perfectly natural and understandable. You're being a good mom, and that's the most important thing. Feel good about that, feel good about yourself. Whether you date or not, someday your son will thank you for being there for him.

I think you should give ypurself more time to heal and then maybe you can trust somone again. I to am like you I have two kids and am a single parent. I would do anything for my kids and they are my life right now. There mother abandoned them a year ago and has little to do with them, she is such a selfish person. She does not contribute to their upbringing in any way. As a parent I will never be able to understand how a parent can just up and leave thier kids. Relationships will come and go but your kids are everything. I have trouble dating also because off what she done to me, we were married for 22 years and dating is a big step for me. I have had a few dates but nothing serious because I put my kids first and I do not believe that they can deal with a different woman living in our home. So for now I am just being there for them and if I have to wait to start dating then I will.

Dear GR8:<br />
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The old saying is that "time heals all wounds". It sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm impressed with the fact that you care more about your son's welfare and the love he needs from you.<br />
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The only position I take --- and it is certainly only my observation --- is that you might be "rushing a little too quickly" to either heal wounds; find that "right" mate; or (and I certainly hope not) desperation to find "just that right man".<br />
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Finding the "right man" (or right woman) is something we all face. You're not alone. However, it has been my finding that when "you're looking for 'something'" --- you won't find it. It has to HAPPEN. <br />
And you'll know it, when it does. Your heart and gut feelings will guide you.<br />
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Relax, take a deep breath --- just continue to love and care for your son. And when "that time" comes into your life ---- you'll know it. It's called fortuity --- when you're not looking for something (or, in this case, "someone") ---- then "he" comes along.<br />
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Best of luck to you, and Regards.

Red Flags are very important. I just don't think you are ready to date yet. Don't let your friends bug you to much about it. I am all for throwing yourself into motherhood. Your son is blessed to have a mother who wants to be a mother more than wants to date. Kudos to you.<br />
In time you may want to date.<br />
In the mean time keep up the good work being mom.

When or if you become ready to date, you will instinctively know, without a doubt. It may come when someone worthy enough of you comes into your life, or it may just be once you have healed, but only you will know that. <br />
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I have been single now for almost 2 years, since my last divorce. I have two sons that are my whole world too. Only now am I starting to take interest in dating again - and even that I have some limits with. I know what I want in a man now, and what I want out of life and for my kids (after all, I have had almost 2 years to think about it! lol!) It was a good time to reflect on my life while being there for my kids. <br />
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You sound like a wonderful mother, just keep doing what you are doing, for yourself and your son. When the time is right to date again, you will know. Just trust your gut.

Trust me from a mama who'd been through it... pay attention those red flags, girl! Don't worry so much about the dating, just take care of you! Allow yourself some "me time" so that you do not become overwhelmed. Join a mommy group, where they have girl's night out or in or whatever. If you do happen to meet a guy that you are interested in DO NOT talk about him or bring him around your child until you know for sure this may be someone that is going to be around for the long haul. When I was younger, I thought it was important to bring a guy around my kids to see how he was around them- BAD IDEA all around! Give it time.

If it's not in your HEART to date, then please follow you HEART. Listen to your gut feelings, You have not yet healed from the past, and are attracting the same kind of Men. You are a beautiful spirit to think of your son's well being before your own, believe it or not that is not the every day norm. But also you have Fear that is mostly blocking your Decisions that leaves you right back to square one, and of course the safest zone which is the Love for your Son to keep you at a stand still.. My Hubby and I been together since my oldest Daughter was two, and now a few months away from being 8. My youngest is 1 he's our son and a 3 yr. old lil' girl..So I can relate to everything you are feeling and saying. You will be just FINE.. Start the Healing that's where it all stems from, it's still FRESH right now. The experience had to been very traumatic for you.. But you are your child's WORLD right now.. I believe that you are being too heavy on yourself and need to give yourself more time to mature, and learn Yourself. Whether you're 19 or 59 it's never to early or late to spread your wings of Spiritual Enlightenment for SELF Healing..I'm 39 and are still Learning, There's not many Special Light beings such as yourself, When the time comes..Find a good babysitter (Family, Friend) and just have Fun. Let down your HAIR to have some Mommy FUN without Expectations.. especially avoid bars or There's so much to do, see and learn, The world is your Oyster!! Everything will be FINE! brightest blessings~