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Dear "single Dads".

First, I should preface this by pointing out that I put the words "Single Dads" in quotations. The reason for this will be explained shortly, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm making a blanketed remark about all single fathers. I know that there are some single parent dads out there that are exemplary and should be credited for all they're doing for their children without the help of their childrens other parent.

[Edit: Since writing this story, I've come to see a completely different side of the "daddy" story and I have shared my thoughts here: EP Link -- Please read it.. because there are a lot of dads who deserve the utmost respect and admiration for fighting against all the odds to be in their childrens lives. God bless you guys!]

Dear "Single Dads",

I'm writing you this letter to address a concern that I have. For your information, single parenthood does not mean that you are a single person (romantically speaking) who has children. No. It means that you are a parent who, for all intents and purposes, is raising your children on your own without the day to day help of the other parent. Even if you're a father who happens to be paying his child support and seeing his children on the usual "every other weekend" or "every Wednesday" schedule, if you are not the parent that the children are living with on a day to day basis, then you should not really classify yourself as a single parent. Why? Because the children are actually being cared for (in the physical sense) by the other parent. That isn't to say that you're not a good dad. But by giving yourself the title of "Single Father" when you present yourself to a female, you are implying that you are the main caregiver to your children and if this isn't the truth, you shouldn't be saying it.

The last post I wrote on this group plays hand in hand with this one because my ex uses this ploy to meet single moms that he thinks are attractive. He'll tell them he's a "single dad" when actually, he is not. He has neither seen my daughter since she was born, nor has he paid a penny of child support for her, yet because he has spawned a child, he uses it as a means of appealing to women who have children. The fact that men pull this kind of thing is absolutely revolting to me as a woman, a mother and a human being.

But my ex is not the only man who does this. Lots of men do it, and only moments ago, I was approached by yet another man who opened dialogue with me by trying to pass himself off as a single father. When I asked him what he meant by that, he stated that he had two children that he doesn't get to see much because of his evil ex but that he has joint custody with her, etc. So I asked him how he was a single father then when it is actually the childs mother who tends to the childrens day to day wellbeing and care? His reply? -- Nothing. He had no reply. I'm pretty sure he was expecting what a lot of men who use this ploy to get girls expect and that is to be patted on the back for being a "single dad". But no.. I refuse to pat someone on the back for having had sex and impregnated another human being. That act in and of itself makes you only a biological father.. not a single dad.

To me, the title of "single parent" is one that should inspire respect and admiration because it is a difficult job and to do it well takes a lot of personal sacrifice. But to the rest of you, be you female or male, if you are throwing the term around flippantly for the sake of making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex when you're not actually the one *making* those sacrifices on your own? Well just know that at least one woman on the planet isn't falling for it.

.. And if any of this applies to you, you should be ashamed of yourself. Feel free to get a grip on reality.

Lovingly,

S.

Intelligently Intelligently 31-35, F 45 Responses Apr 3, 2011

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OMG! I had not heard of this before. I guess it shouldn't really surprise me, but I too am offended anytime someone makes false claims of any kind but this one is a particularly sensitive one to me as I was a "Single Dad" for over a decade. Raising my son from, well from birth really but alone completely from the time he was 16 months old. And this was back in 1980 when it was far more rare for men to get custody of any kind much less full custody. In fact back then we never heard of this "Joint" custody stuff that has become more prevalent in recent years. I wouldn't trade those years for anything but can tell you I never had the time for dating, especially those first years, much less time to hustle women with some BS line about being a single dad. Later I came to the realization that many women were very impressed by the Idea of a "Single Dad" but that too is fraught with a number of problems, but that's a another story. Thank you for posting this!
Namasté

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Single dad here n happy

My ex wife does exactly what your talking about,she never sees the kids ,does not pay a penny of support,but has on her face book, and statigram that she is a single mom with six kids.Its very frustrating . She completely views them of some type of status symbol. Its very sad,but at the same time,I get to watch them grow and mature,laugh and cry,see them make headway in life,so it makes it easy to ignore her selfishness. :)

I raised my daughter all by myself and she is now in a brilliant career and has fond memories of the time we spent together. We didn't have much, but I gave her 'everything' and got by myself on about three changes of clothing! We were poor for a while but we had so much fun together that it didn't matter. Her mother didn't want her at 4 years of age (long story) suffice to say that she was a real bixch and didn't care for her properly. I gave her heaps of love and my family were great with her. I can't believe how I did it but I put myself aside for 19 yrs and raised a lovely caring daughter and ******* I am proud of that! Thanks for the comment on solo dads! I know we're a rare commodity but some of us are here and very real :)

I could say some things about many of the single moms I have known, but really... isn't it the individual who is either a douche or not? This is very one sided, especially since statistically in multiple major international studies, most (70% and up) of criminals, abusers, and rapists were raised by single parents, 80% of whom are female. I am not being sexist here, I just want a bit of balance when it comes to gender. I am tired of the worst being assumed about me because I am a man. I don't look down on women until they give me a reason other than their gender to do so, and I think it is perfectly fair to expect an equal amount of respect from them. I am not singling you out deliberately, I just have more respect for you than some people on here so your story stood out to me.

I couldn't agree more. For this reason, I took the time to honor great dad's everywhere. It's in my story logs.

Very well. Thank you for clarifying that to me.

Being a single parent is an amazing feeling. I love being the one that gets all the tears, skinned knees, smiles, laughs, ect. I have loved in and now that my youngest is 11 I wish I had a few more. Nothing makes you stop and smile like seeing the way a child sees the world. Have to admit one of my favorite things was telling them silly jokes just to see if they understood them yet. I found it interesting just to see what their mind understood and how they figured things out. Enjoy every moment, I goes by way to fast. It sucks going from their entire world to wondering if they are even going to text you back. Oh well, I'm sure I will be the babysitter here in a few years.

Beautifully stated. :)

i like to meet you

I am sure you are a great single mom. However, I am a child of a single mother, and there are plenty of these that abuse this as title by playibg the martyr role. A lot of women use this not only to get lots of pats on the back and sympathy but go one terrible step further, use their custody to keep the father out of their lives like my mother did. They demonize the man for not wanting to be in their lives and punish them (and their child) by denying them access to their children by being being manipulative to the point that the child themselves is turned against their other parent. Not just me but I know of several single mothers here that seem like the sweetest most loving women who turn to total psychos when tgey feel the bio father is encroaching on their territory. They do not want the father involved in any way. They feel slighted by the initial rejection and after having total say and control over their child's life refuse to open up to the possibilities of the child's father taking an active role in their lives. Single moms are hardly saints and I for one am sick of the free pass tgey all seem to get as default martyrs. Like I said I know from personal experience.

I've never understood why people want to brandish the title as if it's a badge of honor. People end up as single parents for so many different reasons and to my knowledge, none of them are good. I've known women who do this to their children and regarding the kids dads and it boils my blood. Kids need -both- of their parents and if nothing else, they need to know that the parents both love them enough not to destroy one anothers reputation or relationship with the child. It isn't only single parents that do what you say though. Even some married couples do this and it's horrible and wrong, regardless of the relationship status.

A circle mate of mine wrote something interesting on the subject. It might be worth a read. http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Feminist-Because-I-Believe-In-Equality/2150390

Why do people brandish it as a badge of honor? Because it's heroic work, that's why. My guess is that people who **** on single moms wouldn't last a week in the job. As for why they're single, there's as many reasons as there are single moms. It's extraordinary, though, how many are single because their husbands:

- died
- ran around
- became addicts
- turned out to be mentally ill
- were violent
- were emotionally abusive to them and the kids

But I suppose you'd like to blame the moms for that, too. Grow up, why don't you.

Considering that I am a single mom myself, I think your jab at blaming moms was entirely uncalled for. This entire was uncalled for actually. Every person has their own cross to bear, but single parenthood is a shame, no matter the cause. At best, it is a lesser evil.

The heroic part is not single parenthood, but *good* parenthood, regardless of marital status. Good parents everywhere should be applauded. Bad parents, however, do not deserve the title, and certainly don't deserve a pat on the back.

Perhaps we all have room to grow up.

What you are talking about is a very easy trap for a parent to fall into, I'm sorry this happened to you, I for one am a single parent 100% custody, no support from my ex or her family, but I see the kids and how much they miss their mom. I know she will always be their mom, so I have slowly and carefully started integrating her back into their lives,(as hard as it is personally to see) I believe I have to do what is best for my kids, and know that my personal feeling for my ex are just that, MY PERSONAL FEELINGS, so I put these aside so my kids can get what they need from their mom. Kids definitely need both parents ,neither one can be replaced, and people who do go to the extreme to keep one parent from the kids should have their heads examined. I try very hard to not let my kids see how I feel about their mom,going so far as trying to say something nice about her when she comes up in conversation, since doing that ,the kids are more positive, and it gives them a type of closer. The bottom line is its best for the kids, and that's what I want for them .

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I've known one true single father and he was a disgrace! I witnessed him turn his son against his mothershe couldn't do enough to make either of them happy and she did try! In the end of our relationship I was in her defense trying to save the bonds with her son but I failed. He suckered me into believing he was someone he wasn't so ladies take these wise words in this awesome story to heart even if he really is a single father he was still a man first and sex sex and more sex is what he's after! Not all men but a great majority are!

I'm so sorry to read this. *sigh* My prayers are with this little boy and his family -- even his father, because if anyone needs a miracle, these kinds of people do. Without a miracle, they never change for the better; they only get worse.

He is now a father himself I can only pray I somehow touched his life to help him make better choices.his mother finially turned on him for fear of his father so all he has are awesome grandparents to guide him. Thanx for your prayers as he will need them

I completely agree, if you're not there day in and out giving the care to your children you are NOT a single parent.

I get the Single Dad Act all the time. I always ask *why they don't respect all their ex does* and *why they don't care for their child properly*. My ex cheated on me but is a good father (most of the time ) and when asked about our son he simply says he has a child he loves. We both don't say were single because we are parents. He will drop anyone that gets in the way of our son now and that is why I respect him after everything.

I feel exactly the same way about my ex husband. He's a wonderful, wonderful dad, even though he wasn't a faithful husband. When it comes to our kids though, I reckon that if we had to pick one or the other, we would choose the better dad. Kudos to you both!

I wish I didn't have to choose but he has always helped me since we separated and supports our son completely. So i guess its something good coming from a bad situation.

Glad your son has a good dad. Yes, I ask single dads the same questions, and it's amazing how fast the conversations end. It's a great way of identifying the worms who're just looking to get laid and find someone to do their laundry.

You're probably right about that, Dreammmmer. Then again, if they've taken the time to read this.. it's in their heads now. At least the next time they put on their sheep costume, they'll know that they are, "severely lacking in their personality and integrity and probably out of any other values or goods or whatever to impress a woman."<br />
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And I don't mind being the person was able to share that information with them. :)

That's actually a good question. I think the answer would be "all of the above", but least of all a critique of the women who fall for these kinds of men because frankly, it isn't their fault that they are deceived. The deception is the fault of the deceivers. <br />
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Are their really women of sound mind who fall for such things? Certainly. But it is also likely that these men have radar and can easily spot a woman who has fallen on hard times and needs to believe that a man who's appeared on the scene is what he claims to be. People will believe almost anything under the right circumstances. The other pitfall is to become overly suspicious and cold towards men. Neither of those are worth the time and energy.<br />
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So yes, a woman could ask, but a man could lie in return and most people in general may not wish to offend by asking the questions and digging deeper. <br />
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Ultimately, this post was just what it claimed to be. A letter to men who parade themselves as single fathers when they actually are nothing of the sort. Sometimes men need to be reminded that certain behaviors are ugly even if they don't take the time to really sit and see it for themselves while they're in the middle of doing it.<br />
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Thanks for the comment. :)

I think most of the women who fall for this just aren't mothers themselves and don't know what raising kids involves. Naturally they'll buy whatever their man tells them, esp. if it makes him sound like good daddy material.

Yes, it gets to be overwhelming at times. Especially if you have to balance things like work, school and other out of home activities. I'm glad you get to be in their lives in such a way, Crystal! The kids are better off for it.

I have my kids 50 percent of the time and when I have them they are mine!!!! My ex wife has a job where she travels... so I've actually had them for weeks on end... it can be stressful... a true test of my time management skills lol...

It's completely understandable! I would likely feel the same way were I in your shoes. This post has inadvertently struck more than a few nerves of some very decent and wonderful dads out there. I never expected that it would, but as it's come to my attention, I've tried to make sure I give you guys credit where its due. Blessings!

sorry Intelligently, that i was a little harsh. i didn't mean to be, that has always been a sore spot for me.

Of course I'm not saying that. In fact, I placed an edit in this very post (up at the top) addressing situations exactly like the one you've just mentioned.<br />
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Also, to be clear, I never said anyone wasn't a "real dad". I said many men who claim to be "single dads" are actually not single dads at all. Hope that clears up the confusion. :)<br />
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And I wish you the best in being in your childs life. I do not agree with any woman who uses her children as a means of exacting revenge on their ex. That behavior (I'm sure) is addressed on the "single dads" group of EP though. <br />
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Take care.

i have tried for fourteen years to get custody of my daughter. i passed up a very good job simply because it would place me out of easy reach of my daughter. my needs are secondary to her needs always. now you tell me that just because the courts have decided to place her with the woman who gave birth to her, i'm not a real dad. sorry i disagree. "not everything is as it seems."

Cuddly, you're welcome to leave your thoughts. They may not be the same as mine, but they could add another perspective and that's always welcome!

yeah i try to be his badge of honor :)

*bumps back*<br />
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It's men like that who deserve the utmost respect. It's no wonder to me now why you seem to have such a positive, happy disposition. Your father obviously did something right. :)

a post of gold.<br />
my dad raised me and my four other brothers by himself since i was ten.. worked his *** off for us since before we were born.. fifteen hour workdays seven days a week, for fifteen years.. that's personal sacrifice.<br />
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*bumps fists with Intelligence*

Many thanks, Stone. Best to you as well. :)

An EP user, <br />
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Okay, I got your message, thanks for sympathy. Not all moms are bad either, like you said, sometimes picking the wrong person out of presumption of them telling the truth rather than just in reality lying to your face is flat out wrong. Anyways, I hope you start healing soon. Best regards,

I totally agree with you. If anyone asks I always say I am a dad. I may be single and I may be a dad but it never would occur to me to say I am a 'single dad'.

Stone, no ones going to bash you for stating your opinions. Again, you have had your experiences and they've caused you to see my words as an attack on you or "all men". I'm sorry your children have passed away if that's the case. However, my post is towards manipulators. If you are not one of those.. wonderful! I applaud you.<br />
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There's no need to take my story personally if it does not apply to you. Take care.

You know what, What kind of remark would you give me, I am a single dad, I have no kids. Both of them are on the other side waiting on my arrival to meet them. I hope others do not bash me on this. I have to say that if a man comes up to the woman wooing them in words. Naturally women will fall into traps. What gets me is when the label goes down on innocent hard working men who are trying to make something of themselves.

Right on, macabre! Sounds like you're a great dad who has put a lot into caring for your children. It sure pays off! :) you deserve to be happy just as much as they do, I hope things work out for you and their mother :)