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Disappointment.

It appears that I'm going to use this group as an outlet. Hopefully I'm not making a pest of myself by doing so..

Today, I received paperwork from the Child Support office in my ex's state assuring me that my case against him had been approved. I don't know exactly what that entails but it prompted me to go check out what he's been up to on the social networking site he frequents. It doesn't bother me anymore to see him going on about his life as if he doesn't have a child, but it's never a good feeling either. I guess I wondered if he had already been contacted and admitted to paternity, so I scouted him out there to look for hints, but I didn't find anything.

The odd thing that struck me though, was that he seemed so normal. So kind. Not unlike some of the people I've met here on EP. Just a regular, average person. And it's hard to reconcile that image with the reality of the situation. But it is what it is. I don't think he's actively "pretending" to be something he isn't. I guess that's just his escape and he uses it effectively. You wouldn't think a negative thing about him if you met him there and if I didn't know better myself, I would likely assume that he would be a wonderful, doting dad if he ever let on that he had children.

I guess you never really do know about a person online. His duplicity used to make me so angry, but now, I guess I'm beginning to see it as a self defense mechanism. He knows the truth but he isn't ready to face it for better or for worse. It's easier to bury it and exist in a fantasy, virtual world where he isn't a deadbeat dad.. just a "good guy" who's down on his luck. And I realized today how fortunate I am that he is no longer in my life.

Facing facts, he'll probably never pay child support without the state having to choke it out of him. She may be halfway through her life before he decides to get his act together and try to  make amends for a lifetime of lost memories and neglect. I've no doubt that she'll wonder about him but it may be better that she never see him as he is today, drug and alcohol dependent. And even though she'll miss out on having a father, it may be better that she never has to go through hearing the empty promises and knowing that she wasn't important to him on a regular, in-her-face basis like so many other children do.

It doesn't feel good.. and this is going to be an ongoing process for me of releasing my "right" to have a great dad for my little girl. Some days will be more difficult than others and I will never have all of the answers. But I at least I know the truth and I'm willing to face it despite it's ugliness.

I sincerely pray that someday, he can do the same..
Intelligently Intelligently 31-35, F 13 Responses May 6, 2011

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*sign* You are a woman of prayers, and you seem to be very good looking. Your ex had everything a man could ask for, and yet the addictions...<br />
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I don't know about his addictions... maybe he was beaten a pulp by it and was accepting the fact that he had lost you and your daughter, maybe he was still fighting it in a way that you won't understand (not that it must be effective, but he is fighting)...<br />
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If he has the potential deep within him, I pray that God will deliver him from the bondage, and that your family can be restored again. <br />
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I don't why you can't stand him other than his addiction. Maybe he had some more issues. It is just so sad that a family is broken just like that.

*sign* You are a woman of prayers, and you seem to be very good looking. Your ex had everything a man could ask for, and yet the addictions...<br />
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I don't know about his addictions... maybe he was beaten a pulp by it and was accepting the fact that he had lost you and your daughter, maybe he was still fighting it in a way that you won't understand (not that it must be effective, but he is fighting)...<br />
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If he has the potential deep within him, I pray that God will deliver him from the bondage, and that your family can be restored again. <br />
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I don't why you can't stand him other than his addiction. Maybe he had some more issues. It is just so sad that a family is broken just like that.

The funny thing is He touched me just when I was absolutely livered with Him. :) I went from burning with anger to being overwhelmed with awe and admiration and worship of Him in an instant. He showed me that not only does He care but He is troubled by our woes. He shares them with us. What I saw there was something I cannot put into words to describe. He showed me something about Himself that is unbelievable and unspeakably amazing.<br />
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And I know someone was praying for me. :)<br />
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God bless.

That is so true. As you implied, you can't [agape] love a person who hurts you unless the Lord is actively working in your heart and I believe that He is doing that in mine. It's taken some time.. but reminders such as yours revive my faith in a God who can move hearts just as easily as He can move mountains. <br />
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I know that Jesus died for my ex. I understand the implications of that sacrifice and how much love Jesus has for him.. and my heart is convicted. It's a learning process and a growing process and as my heart softens, even in the painful times, I'm able to see that it isn't only my life that God wants to heal.. and not even just my little girls lives.. but also their dads'. <br />
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Thank you again! I'm humbled at Gods mercy.. and even more humbled by His love.

You are such a caring and considerate woman to be so understanding and benevolent towards this man despite his betrayal. The Lord is truly in your life. May He bless you even more so than you have already been blessed. :)<br />
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Nobody can imagine how much the Lord loves this man and wants to save him from the jaws of the accuser. Because that is where he is at the moment. But all things are possible for those who believe. :) <br />
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The best thing we can do is pray for your Ex that things will be al right with him. Prayer is the most powerful tool that we have at our disposal and it allows the Lord's hand to move in our lives. <br />
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I know from experience that God answers prayers and that He hears us. I personally had a life changing experience. I was suicidal and the Lord had mercy on me and He reached out and touched my life. He showed me a glimpse of Himself in a way that I never thought possible. And He has revealed Himself to me in many ways since. I can never be the same again. Since then I've seen many of my prayers answered. God is awesome and His mercy is renewed every day.

"Right now it doesn't sound like he's living in the real world. His mind is not down to earth and he seems entranced and his mind fogged by his addictions and bad habits. One day he's going to wake up and bitterly regret what he missed out on. I think those sort of people eventually end up committing suicide or dying young because the pain is so great when they wake up. It just can't be the same again unless turns to God and allows him to work a miracle in his life and transform him."<br />
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That statement hit me hard. Yes, he does live in a fantasy world. It's his own choosing. And if it isn't drugs he's blotting out reality with, then it's alcohol. And if it isn't alcohol he's blotting it out with, then it's his online world where he can be the guy he wishes he was instead of having to face the person he's actually chosen to be.<br />
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I don't want him to come to suicide though. I guess that's why I don't involve myself in his other "online" world. I don't like knowing that he's pretending to be a loving, caring dad when his own daughter isn't getting to have that kind of dad.. but it's his way of coping and if it keeps him from killing himself, well.. I'd rather he have it even if it isn't healthy for it. It is, at least, the lesser evil.<br />
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I want good things for my ex. The more time that passes, the more I can say that wish happiness and health for him and above all else, I pray for his salvation. If God can reach him where I couldn't, I know my daughter will benefit from the transformation that will take place inside his heart.<br />
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Thank you for your comment. It has filled me up with hope. :)

He certainly sounds like a troubled man to leave someone as pretty and intelligent and decent as you and your beautiful family and leave it all behind. There are men out there who would give their right arm just to be with someone like you. I just don't understand it. Drug and alcohol dependency does that to people I guess. Alters their minds. <br />
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Right now it doesn't sound like he's living in the real world. His mind is not down to earth and he seems entranced and his mind fogged by his addictions and bad habits. One day he's going to wake up and bitterly regret what he missed out on. I think those sort of people eventually end up committing suicide or dying young because the pain is so great when they wake up. It just can't be the same again unless turns to God and allows him to work a miracle in his life and transform him.<br />
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I know how important it is for your daughters to have a positive male role model in their lives and I can only hope and pray that the absence of their father does not disrupt their lives too badly. Fortunately for you, you have the Lord in your life and you can depend on Him for anything. :) He says that He will be father to the fatherless and you can just trust in Him that your daughters will grow up al right. :)<br />
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Best of wishes.

st3dra, <br />
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Your comment was extremely insightful and probably dead on point. He did tell me that he was "getting professional help" for the depression but then I haven't heard another word about it since. That doesn't surprise me though, considering that he hasn't even emailed to ask how she's doing in months.<br />
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It's a sad state of affairs, but it could be worse. I appreciate your comment very much.. it sounds as though you know what you're talking about.

He's turned to drugs doesnt realy matter what the substance is he's trying to fill a hole insid u seem like a goodlooking woman and your concerns are valid, he,s lost a family he's failed he cant admit it at the moment your lucky theres extended familyto support you i kinda get the feeling that he's not over you wether he realises it or not he must be unhappy ,he knows your a good mother so he's not worried about the childs welfare or any thin like that you can only hope he will snap out of it i bet he says it to him self every day in reality his picture of how it was going to be is smashed to pieces you've left doors open contact with his side ect,Im a guy went through this no matter what front he's putting up he's an empty shell Id say yyou've made it clear there will be no reconciliation he could be very depressed and getting wasted will make that worse it sounds like he's boardering on the hopelesness leval then he'll realy start to fall apart so it show's as he is the father of your child maby you should say your jepodising every thin i think you need professional help straight up men suffer too and sometimes they leave there run to late

It sounds like I'm in the same position as your mom then, Q. I hate it. But I haven't shut him out completely. I stay in touch with his family members and if he ever does try to be in her life, I'll allow it so long as he is healthy (not addicted) and willing to be a positive rolemodel. If he was just wanting to float in and out, eventually, I'd have to step in and put a stop to that. It isn't healthy for a child whatsoever.<br />
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I'll probably never see a penny of child support. His female family members have done more than he likely ever will for her, which I see as a testament to their love for her and as proof of his love of himself. <br />
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Honestly, I wish he loved her even half as much as he loves him. The heartbreaking thing is that someday, I'm afraid she'll wish the same. :(

Haha. Thank you! <br />
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He has no "***" to rape, though. Not literally, or figuratively. ;)

You're amazing, and right about being better off. Cheers to you! I hope they rape his *** in child support! ;)

You know, it isn't even my choice. It's his. If he wanted to be a part of her life, even if I didn't want him there, I'd have to allow it because he has rights as a father. He simply doesn't choose to make use of them.. and in that way, he's the one that's protecting her from his own empty promises.<br />
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I'm just sort of on the sidelines, praying and hoping that things get better for her.