Please Don't Be "that" Mom.

Latest: When last I updated this story, I had just sent off my evaluation form. Well, I'm so pleased to report that my friends husband sent me an email last night to inform me that the custody evaluator has ruled in his favor! What a blessing and answer to so many prayers! We expect the judge to rule according to the evaluators suggestion to place the child with her father, bringing a happy end to this very long and difficult journey. I couldn't be happier for them. Sometimes, the good guys DO win! :)

[Update: My evaluation form has been completed and sent off to be delivered to the lawyer and parenting evaluator. My friend felt that the information I provided was exactly what the evaluator needed to see so I'm praying that it helps to reunite him with his child very soon. In the meantime, I know he would also appreciate any prayers from those who read this, as this process has worn him down dramatically and he's still got a ways to go.]

Today and for the past two years, I have been doing whatever I could do to help out a friend. Ironically, this "friend" is the husband of my once "best friend" and there was a time when he did not at all care to have me around, much less seek me out for advice, but the tables have definitely made a dramatic turn these days.

The person I am writing this story about is someone that I met in Bible College and our friendship was one that I grew to cherish even though she and I were always very different in some fundamental ways. To put it bluntly, my once "best friend" was a gold digger. She was one of those females who always felt that men were put on this earth to please her and to provide her with her hearts desire. Her body, her looks, her "everything" was never given to men as a gift but more as an incentive. She seduced them and she took from them, but she never gave. To her, men were (and still are) merely a means to an end. 

We often had debates when it came to the topic of men. She claimed that she had been "raped" at an early age and this is what had warped her view of men. Me? I had experienced my own fair share of abuse from the men in my life but I still had my head in the clouds when it comes to love. We were two opposite (unhealthy) extremes when it came to the subject of men and in the end, it is what ended our friendship. 

You see, I never agreed that men were to be used as "toys" or that a woman's love should be sold to the highest bidder. But when my friend met her husband on a dating site some years ago, I was happy to see her "happy". Her new beau had the financial means to give her a comfortable life and he was older so he was very much her type in that way as well. Still, she never claimed to love him. To her, he was a necessary evil. Someone who was put on earth to bow to her every whim and well, he loved her.. so that is exactly what he did. 

About three years ago, however, my friend began talking to me of leaving her husband. Her reasons? His nearly 100k a year (according to what she told me of his income) was no longer enough. The nearly 7k sq. ft. home he provided her with was no longer enough. She felt that 10,000 sq. ft. of home was more suited for her and she believed that he should be providing her with money to blow on things like plastic surgery to improve those parts of her body that she felt needed a little pick-me-up.

I was disgusted. We met in Bible College, remember? So when she asked for my input, I advised my dear friend that she did not have legitimate grounds (Biblically) to divorce her husband and I urged her to do whatever she needed to do to help save her marriage. Instead, my friend set about creating a plan to not only leave her husband but to clean out his bank account and even his retirement funds. The worst of all, however, was the fact that she meant to take his child away from him.. and although her husband and I did not get along whatsoever at that time, he was by far the more doting, loving and attentive parent of the two and I did not want to see her deprive her daughter of that.

When she finally told me of her plans to (essentially) destroy this poor mans life, regardless of how he felt about me, I had to let him know. I stood up to my friend and informed her that I could not stand by silently and allow her to steal her husbands child away from him just because she didn't want to have to deal with him anymore after she found a wealthier replacement. That effectively ended our friendship and to make matters worse, when I did go to her husband, he didn't believe me. 

Well, a couple of years ago, I received a very sad and apologetic email from my friends husband. She had taken the children and left him. She had filed false reports of abuse against him in order to prevent him from seeing his child. She had moved on with another man and yet along with all of the other false accusations, she was accusing her husband of cheating on her. I felt horrified for him. Horrified that I had ever called this woman my friend. Horrified that I hadn't done more to prevent their little girls life from being ripped out from under her so that her mom could "upgrade" her husband. And now, after a very long and ugly divorce, I am doing whatever I can to help her husband in his attempts to get physical custody of the child.

Women like the one I have described in this story should not exist, but sadly, they do. Becoming a mother should prevent this kind of abuse of taking place but all I can say is that obviously, it doesn't. Some women, for whatever reason, lack the conscience to do right by the men they marry or the children they bring into the world. I believe now (looking back) that my friend is a sociopath. She may never take a life in the physical sense but in the emotional sense, she has already killed many for the sake of her vanity and greed and she does not show any signs whatsoever of remorse. In fact, she still fancies herself a "Christian" woman.

I like to hope that most women wouldn't do the things that my friend has done and is currently doing. I like to hope that most women have the ability to see past their own feelings, caring more for the feelings of their offspring and behaving in a way that will make their childs lives better instead of worse. But the fact is that there are all too many women in the world who enjoy playing the "victim" in unnecessary divorces and using their children exactly as they use the other people in their lives -- as pawns. 

Men are never completely guiltless in a divorce situation but children should never be taken away from a loving parent, regardless of how sour the marriage ends. So before I go back to filling out a parenting evaluation to give to the custody evaluator in my friends case, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Motherhood can be a beautiful, wondering, amazing thing. But please, ladies..

Don't be "that" kind of mom. 

Intelligently Intelligently
31-35, F
25 Responses Jul 28, 2011

She is a typical feminist. Evil, man-hating, abusive, selfish, etc... I was in total sympathy and agreement (still am for the guy) with your story until that remark at the end. You said "Men are never completely guiltless in a divorce situation..." Wow. Really? You really honestly believe that? I did nothing to cause my divorce. My ex-wife was an abusive, lying, manipulating, POS, and I didn't do one thing to deserve it (other than to believe she loved me); and I was absolutely blameless in our 'divorce situation'. You seem like a nice person, an honest person, a good Christian, I just am a bit dumbfounded by that comment. Men are never guiltless in a divorce. I just don't understand how a smart, rational person such as yourself can honestly believe that, and it saddens me deeply.

I think she meant in total. I do not believe she meant that this particular man is responsible for this particular divorce. There are some divorces where then man has some responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

That is not what the statement said. That is not what that means.

I apologize for that. It was in no way how I intended for that comment to be interpreted. What I probably should have written was that in an ugly divorce such as the one I've detailed above, there are no truly guiltless parties. You're right in stating that there are times in which a man or woman for that matter, may be guiltless. In my divorce, it was cheating on his part that ended the marriage. Not any wrong doing of my own So I understand where you're coming from. I hope that clears up any confusion And thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Thank you for being genuine and again for clarifying that point.

1 More Response

Good story. Scary, but thank you for sharing.

Women and mothers like that give us all a bad reputation. Poor guy and his children.. I hope he fared well in the end

Well, great insightful just addressed some of my biggest worries and underscored why it may be in my best interest to stay in my abusive today's world you just cannot trust your friends...Judas lives. Sadly, I too vented my frustrations to "my friends from Church" and perhaps as I was desperately trying to shrug off the constant emotional and verbal abuse received whilst pregnant I presented myself as nonchalant and materialistic...I'm not.. But the humiliation one experiences in an abusive marriage is unbearable and frightening especially when combined with caring for little ones. And abuse is rarely one-sided. Betrayal is though.

This comment is rather back handed and manipulative for multiple reasons, but I'll step around that and simply say this: If this story in any way reminds you of yourself, it certainly isn't because you're a victim. The woman I wrote of here is a black hole of self absorption and comparing your situation to that of Christ's betrayal by Judas is nothing short of the same.

I have no words of advice for you. I just pray that come what may, any children involved in your unhappy relationship go on to live wonderful and fulfilling lives.

I will be praying for him. Tell him "best wishes, and sorry you had to deal with her".

"Those" moms are terrible, selfish personalities who end up with exactly what they invested in their children's well-being - nothing.

This is so true -- and makes me so very sad to read. If only we as parents could learn to put our children first.. the world would be a much better place.

It's beautiful what you wrote, I wish my ex wife was like you...

Thanks for the comment, taydna. I can see what you're getting at with that idea, but I'm not the type to pretend to be a persons friend just to get something out of them. Besides that, I have already turned over a plethora of chat logs, emails and even a few incriminating photos to help my friend in proving his case. We simply don't underestimate her though, so all of that may or may not be enough for the evaluator. <br />
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All we can do is try to present the facts as thoroughly as possible to the evaluator and judge, but outcome is left in God's hands. Either way, I do agree that this will probably not be her last victim and that saddens me so much. <br />
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No person should deal so carelessly with the lives of others.

All I can tell you is that do not give up to even deeds. I advise you to get touch with this woman and pretend to befriend with her, get her to speak out the truth and record her audio with a recorder, pass it to her ex-husband and file a suitcase to reopen their divorce case. Don't ever give up or else the next victim will be that new husband of your evil friend.

Thanks for keeping everyone updated.. God bless you for supporting him. I hope he gets rights to his kid, for the child's sake. People as self-centered as she is do not know how to love and would probably damage the child's upbringing.

Hi all and thank you so much for your comments and messages of support and encouragement. I may have mentioned already that I shared the link of this story with my friend so that he could glean some much needed inspiration from the comments it has been getting and I thought I'd pass along another update.<br />
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The big custody evaluation (as I'm told) is this coming Wednesday. My friend doesn't wish to remove the children from their mother but he certainly is hoping to get at least 50% parenting time as he rightfully deserves. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers during this week because as you can imagine, he's feeling pretty low after all of this waiting but he's hoping and trusting God for a good outcome. <br />
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Again, I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to share your thoughts and support regarding this story. I know that if he were here himself, the gentleman I wrote of in this story would be thanking you as well.

Shame one her, I pray that he recovers and gets his child back.

Yes I agree whole heartly we need more women like you. Your former girl friend is about as evil as they come. I can't believe you was ever friends with this ***** she makes good women look bad and really big gold diggers but the worse to lie and say he abuse his own kids that's unforgivable.. I sure hope you can help this man and end this circus and let this man have his kids back. And this women go to jail and learn A lesson you can not **** up people life to make things better for them self. I Sorry about my language but this women really burn my *** period thank you for helping this man I sure hope it works out for him and sharing this story with us.

Dear Intelligently, You have written a very good piece on this experience. For women like your former friend, I say that it's females like her that give us good women a bad name. (I refuse to give the title of "Woman" to them.) Bless you for hanging in there and doing all you can for this man and his child, or children. Keep us posted from time to time, as I'm sure most of us would like to know what happens. I always tell people that no matter what, the children know the truth about what's going on or has gone on. Please tell your friend not to give up, but don't put his life totally on hold either. He can do both and he deserves to have a better life as well. God bless both of you and those children. Let's hope she doesn't bring any more helpless babies into her world. Also, soon all that she's used to get what she wants, will soon be gone. And then what will she have left and who will be left to be her friend?

I don't know , I have a tendency to read between the lines. I am a true home believer in god and truth by that I mean god is omnipresent and I don't have to put myself forward to anyone as a believer. I read your post and have a few points to make, are you jealous of her good looks, her confidence, or other?? only you can answer this and if you are angry right now you have the answer. . You say you where happy for her when she married, where you? really. ask yourself within the deepest part of your own heart what part did you play, pacifier enabler, or worse spectator just to come in on the wounded victim.................. A friend or true friend will always be a person whom you do not wish harm nor fowl and if you do let your heart be the guide............... or in most your consciousnesses how well you sleep is the guide!!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmmmmmmm love a good nights keep fab!!!!!!! be true it sets you free. lies keep you in bondage and in slang I dant go to church to prove i believe in god cause god already knows I does. he seas everythin I dont have to prove it by goin to church what for the congreation thats man made!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, but from reading your letter, both the actual words as well as in between the lines, it seems as if you've been touched in some way by a similar situation. In fact, your words are very accusatory and angry. I'm glad to read that you believe in God, but yet don't think enough of Him to spell his name with a capital G. Sorry if I sound blunt, but your words were really hurtful and not very Christian like.

Hi Roxy. I'm a little confused by your comment but I'll try top respond as best I can. First, I too am a Christian and "true believer". I don't wish harm on my old friend but she has crossed many lines which I cannot and will not condone or support. As to jealousy, there was some of that in our friendship but not on my end. She was fairly open about her jealousy towards me and it always put a heavy strain on our friendship. The fact that she had material possessions because she places a tall price on her dignity is nothing to be jealous of. I assure you, if I was willing to sell mine to the highest bidder, I'd be wealthy too. :) In closing, I think you may have read far too much into my story but that's a risk we take by writing publicly so it's to be expected. You do seem a bit angry to me but again, I could be wrong too. :) Take care.

roxy4, you now have the honor of being the author of one of the most ridiculous response posts I have ever seen here. Let me do a little "reading between the lines," if you don't mind. I think you are making excuses for the utterly inexcusable behavior of this woman because you know that you are pretty much the same--vain, shallow, opportunistic, materialistic, lacking in scruples, a well-developed conscience, or any sense of moral or ethical fiber. I'm agnostic, but I have a VERY hard time believing you have anything other than a passing knowledge of Christianity, or common decency for that matter. Add to that the fact that your writing skills are DEPLORABLE, and the whole package of you seems quite lacking...certainly not the type of character that should be doling out criticism or questioning the motives of another person you don't even know. I'm sure this won't stop you, though, and I look forward to reading more of your posts to prove my point.

Sounds *exactly* (and disturbingly) like someone I knew (and fortunately no longer do)... My best friend's ex-girlfriend is just like that - and her Mum was too.. In fact her Mum was soo good at manipulating and lying and using men (and women) that she fooled her doctors too, until one day one of them wised up to it... but back to my friend's ex...<br />
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She was the kind of woman that was only out for herself. She screamed at her only child most of the time, had NO love for her at all, no caring or maternal instinct whatsoever and my friend - basically became that childs emotional connection for many years.. One day, things at their house became so bad (she was physically violent as well as emotionally and mentally abusive) that her own daughter was going to school in tears every day, and it wasn't until the school phoned up after finally getting her daughter to express why she was soo upset that it was revealed that her own daughted didn't want to come home IF HER OWN MOTHER WAS THERE! She loved my friend to bits, but could no longer take her own mother's nasty, spiteful, greedy nature)...<br />
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Anyway, she was likely to have her daughter taken away from her, so she turned the tables, made up many lies, turned all their mutual friends against him and then kicked him out of the house.<br />
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God only knows what's happened to her daughter now - but really, this kind of thing shouldn't be allowed...<br />
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My friend - he's doing REALLY well now, really happy and in a great stable life, though he does miss the daughter terribly... <br />
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Don't be one of "those" moms?... Don't be one of those PEOPLE!! <br />
I've never met such a selfish, manipulative, self-centred person in my whole life.. the word "ugly" comes to mind. I don't believe in "evil" as such, but she's about as close as a person could get... :(

Disturbing.. very disturbing.

As a police officer, [ male ] ,I have seen this time and time again over 30 years. Family Services and Police Departments get called into these fights and do not have the time to find the truth. I have been lucky to have something inside of me that has kept me from getting hurt all those years and a feeling for the truth. I have applied that feeling to these cases and have been able to get to the bottom of the bull. I have been able to dig and put these lying and twisted people in jail. In is not nice to lie to a cop. We get very mad. I feel for your friend and I wish he was one that I helped. I feel for you because taking time out of life to help and the feeling of butting your head into a wall can get to you. But when it works out it will be great that you have been able to over come the wrong. You are great for standing up, being counted, and helping out. It is not a easy path but a great one that you have taken. FROM ME AND OFFICERS LIKE ME, WE THANK YOU!!!!!!!!.

I really like how you're standing up for the guy. Your "friend" must be quite an actress. I really hope he regains custody cuz I think the ***** took the child just to squeeze more money out of him and to spite him.

"Worry not, God sees it all though."<br />
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That is something I continually remind her husband of. It's important to remember when you feel that you're fighting a "losing" battle with someone who's adept at hitting below the belt that you find solace and strength in the fact that God is still bigger than your "enemy".

Abuse comes in different forms from both genders. This is quite a heinous example of abuse.<br />
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That must have been a crushing blow for him. I can only imagine the sense of betrayal and loss. Can't help bit feel a little surprised that he has managed to survive this. By the sounds of it, he's lost everything dear to him. Maybe your help has meant a little more to him than you realize.<br />
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This woman has probably ruined those children's lives as well in the long run. Isolating them from the caring parent, and swallowing them up into her selfish egotistic world of self gratification. I'm thoroughly disgusted.<br />
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Worry not, God sees it all though. I just hope she wakes up before it's too late.

We need more women like you i this world and i am Lucky enough to know many who are close to me, unfortunately women like your former friend do exist.

Oh TOG.. I had no idea you'd been through something like that! I'm so glad that you had the support you needed though. Reading your comment reminded me so much of my friends husband. He is so grateful even for the smallest bit of help, advise or support and he often feels that he's on the verge of failure but he keeps pressing on and I admire him greatly for it so I try to be a voice of encouragement for him along the way.<br />
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I'm hoping this evaluation brings to light the truth of my ex-friends behavior and opens the door for her husband and his daughter to be reunited in a way that they both deserve.

Thank you, steppingup! I'm afraid this write is probably riddled with mistakes, but I was more concerned with getting the point across. <br />
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And my friend certainly does need prayer. He's been battling lymphoma along with all of this and in order to see his daughter, he's been using what is left of his vacation time. I try to encourage him to remain hopeful and keep trusting God to put right what has been made so wrong for he and his daughter but I know he's exhausted and each step takes a lot out of him.<br />
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Your prayers in this matter are greatly, greatly appreciated.

Children don't ask to be born and whilst growing up need the love and understanding of parent(s) to become independant young adults and not dolls or pawns for adults to play with fight over.My Ex gave me ultimatum her or children.2 mine one from previous marraige who I inherited.Sorry no contest children first in every case and I'm a GUY

Thank you. I don't know if this post will actually provoke any moms who may potentially be going through a messy divorce or split to re-think their approach to it, but I'm hoping that it will. Too many children have become collateral damage as a result of their parents relationship mistakes. <br />
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In a perfect world, a post like this would never need to be written.