Trying To Break Free.

I never thought that he would actually miss Oakley's Christmas but then again I would have never thought our relationship would have came to this.
When I look at our son I see the past the present and the future, I would never be the person I am today without having my little boy, I see a part of me, a part of him, us together as one. When I look at my son I see someone I love dearly and when I hold that sweet baby, I am holding the world in the palm of my hands.
Sitting here stunned at the events that never took place I wonder how he sleeps, how he walks through his day with no regret, is he feeling anything at all, his own flesh and blood walks the earth and he has no clue who he is, he doesnt know oakley like he should?
I text him to remind him we still exist, we werent just a bad dream, we are live and real and he talks as if I am a dog, a piece of dirt under his shoe.... love him? i love him. how do i after all that has happened?
I'm in a battle with myself, a struggle to fight the urge that love brings. why cant i just break free? how can i love someone who treats me and his own child this way? It's literally an addiction. I can not text him but I get so mixed up in whats right and what's wrong...
he missed christmas, shouldn't it be time?): I'm so scared, but isn't a blind step forward better than drowning in my own sorrow