22, Single Mother, Depressed, Lonely, Exhausted, Help. :-/Hey Everybody.
I have been a single mother for a year now. I have a daughter who is almost two years old. Her dad and I were together since I was 18, and we have lived together since we split. We split a year ago because he had punched me at a concert, twice. Luckily, I had my mom's help, and moved in with her. My daughter's dad and I have went through the court process and are finally over that. My daughter and I still live with my mom, and are finally moving out in a couple of months. I also work full time, 9-5, and am going to school online for my business degree. That is a little background.
Now, I joined this site because I need to talk with people who understand what I am going through. Right now, my daughter is asleep and I feel lonely, like I do pretty much everyday. I sit here on my computer, and read every night for my school. When my school work is caught up, I do not know what to do with myself. I find myself sitting by myself, waiting on a friend to message me or call me, and it hasn't happend. As soon as the ex and I split, I did date and I did have self-confidence, and I was very social and happy. But as time went by, I changed. I get nervous to go anywhere, I feel exhausted all the time, I feel like there is not enough time in the day to do everything I need to do, I feel like my job and school are taking over my life and I have no time to completely focus on my daughter, I have made the choice to filter out the friends that were in my life who were only focused on partying, and the one friend that has been my friend since grade school has grown distant from me because I am so busy. I feel like everytime I am asked to do something, my answer is always, "I can't, I have a lot I have to do today".
I feel like I am in a hole, a hole that I have never been so deep in, in my whole life. I feel like I do not even know who I am. I feel like I am not looked at as a good person by other people, but I do know that I am a good person. I feel like I am not the way I really am now. I feel like I want to be loving, caring, active, happy, spontaneous, relaxed, artistic, admired, selfless, a hard worker, confident, and so on...but I just can't. I know all of those characteristics are who I am, but I have lost myself. I get nervous talking to people, even my own family, which has become worse as time goes by. I am attractive, I do get a lot of guys wanting to take me out, but I have no desire anymore. I used to be very sexual, but now, I couldn't get turned on if Brad Pitt was in my room. Everyday my eyes feel heavy, even though I get enough sleep. I feel like I am in my own little world and nobody understands. I do feel like it will take a long time for things to get better. I just want to feel like a normal human being. I don't want to feel nervous talking to people, I want to be confident. I want to feel like people appreciate me. I feel like nobody is there. A year ago I felt like I did have people. Why did this change? I would be diagnosed with depression if I seen a doctor, but I do not want to take medicication. I am a beleiver that the mind is a wonderful thing that can heal symptoms like depression. I know that it is a mind game that I need to sort out and take steps to do it. But for some reason, I haven't been taking these steps like I should. When you do not have your friends there, and you are 22 living with your mom, and you have developed crazy anxiety and depression; it's hard to get up and turn your life around. I feel like I am 22, with a 40 year old mind. I feel like most people just suck. I just need help.
Does anybody else feel this way? Any advice?
bhbekc89 22-25, F 16 Responses 4 May 21, 2012