Post

22, Single Mother, Depressed, Lonely, Exhausted, Help. :-/

Hey Everybody.

I have been a single mother for a year now. I have a daughter who is almost two years old. Her dad and I were together since I was 18, and we have lived together since we split. We split a year ago because he had punched me at a concert, twice. Luckily, I had my mom's help, and moved in with her. My daughter's dad and I have went through the court process and are finally over that. My daughter and I still live with my mom, and are finally moving out in a couple of months. I also work full time, 9-5, and am going to school online for my business degree. That is a little background.

Now, I joined this site because I need to talk with people who understand what I am going through. Right now, my daughter is asleep and I feel lonely, like I do pretty much everyday. I sit here on my computer, and read every night for my school. When my school work is caught up, I do not know what to do with myself. I find myself sitting by myself, waiting on a friend to message me or call me, and it hasn't happend. As soon as the ex and I split, I did date and I did have self-confidence, and I was very social and happy. But as time went by, I changed. I get nervous to go anywhere, I feel exhausted all the time, I feel like there is not enough time in the day to do everything I need to do, I feel like my job and school are taking over my life and I have no time to completely focus on my daughter, I have made the choice to filter out the friends that were in my life who were only focused on partying, and the one friend that has been my friend since grade school has grown distant from me because I am so busy. I feel like everytime I am asked to do something, my answer is always, "I can't, I have a lot I have to do today".

I feel like I am in a hole, a hole that I have never been so deep in, in my whole life. I feel like I do not even know who I am. I feel like I am not looked at as a good person by other people, but I do know that I am a good person. I feel like I am not the way I really am now. I feel like I want to be loving, caring, active, happy, spontaneous, relaxed, artistic, admired, selfless, a hard worker, confident, and so on...but I just can't. I know all of those characteristics are who I am, but I have lost myself. I get nervous talking to people, even my own family, which has become worse as time goes by. I am attractive, I do get a lot of guys wanting to take me out, but I have no desire anymore. I used to be very sexual, but now, I couldn't get turned on if Brad Pitt was in my room. Everyday my eyes feel heavy, even though I get enough sleep. I feel like I am in my own little world and nobody understands. I do feel like it will take a long time for things to get better. I just want to feel like a normal human being. I don't want to feel nervous talking to people, I want to be confident. I want to feel like people appreciate me. I feel like nobody is there. A year ago I felt like I did have people. Why did this change? I would be diagnosed with depression if I seen a doctor, but I do not want to take medicication. I am a beleiver that the mind is a wonderful thing that can heal symptoms like depression. I know that it is a mind game that I need to sort out and take steps to do it. But for some reason, I haven't been taking these steps like I should. When you do not have your friends there, and you are 22 living with your mom, and you have developed crazy anxiety and depression; it's hard to get up and turn your life around. I feel like I am 22, with a 40 year old mind. I feel like most people just suck. I just need help.

Does anybody else feel this way? Any advice?

Thanks.
bhbekc89 bhbekc89 22-25, F 21 Responses May 21, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

Hi, when I read your post I cant help a single tear to slip from my eyes. I know exactly what you are feeling because thats exactly how I feel right now. Me too is a single Mom, I am 25 and my daugther is almost three. We are both living with my Mom. When I got pregnant, my partner left me so I had nothing. I was sad then but at the same time happy because of my child. I knew my depression already started then, I was always worried on how to get by but hopeful. I stayed at home during my entire pregnancy and until my daughter turned 1. I was not going out even to see my friends and I stop communicating to them until they just forgot about me. The reason was because I feel like people are judging me because I got pregnant without a husband, I was never ashamed of my baby but I did not want to deal with peoples judgements. Despite of my attitude I am proud to say I am a good mother to my baby.
I knew I had to deal with my constant worries and sadness so I applied for a job when my child turned 1. I was 22 then. I noticed a lot of differences from myself. Before everything happened, I was always happy and friendly. I used to like talking to people so its so sad that talking to my coworkers stresses me even more. I had to coax myself everyday in going to work and my sadness just worsens. I was always nervous talking to people and I was not like that at all. It made me feel worse because I knew I had to be happy because of my baby. My plan was to do good at work and go back to finishing my degree but suddenly I dont feel motivated anymore. I became overly sensitive and I get angry easily, there are times I feel like Im so worthless. A year later, I couldn't take it anymore so I quit from my job and stayed at home. I dont go out at all, I always closes my door and my windows. Now Im still feeling depressed and still hopefull to feel okay. I kept on praying for my motivation to come back. I read online that we need to seek for professional help but just like you, Im hoping to heal on my own and in my own time.

At least you have your mother for help and support. I have been a single mom for a long time and my mother was a drug addict growing up and very immature with mental problems and still is the same way. I have NOBODY what so ever and atm dont even have a car and have to ride the bus everywhere with my son to work and school. Its Extremely embarrassing and i always have aniexty yoo because i literally have no one what so ever to help me not even a parent. IId say make friends with your mom and co workers at work. Eventually u will be financuly stable and be able to get weekend s off and go out with friends

Hi! I might be in the wrong place (is this for single moms only?) but I am a single father. I have two little girls, age 2 and 6, and am going through many of the things you mentioned. Exhaustion, sadness, loneliness... I work 55 hours a week, and the kiddos stay with their Aunt (actually my ex's sister) while I'm gone. The days manage to both fly by and drag on forever. They fly by in terms of the day itself. It seems that I spend all day rushing to get home to be with my daughters, but when I finally make it, those precious few hours are immediately sucked up by cooking, cleaning, washing, and bedtime. They drag on in terms of getting better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for us, but getting there has been a nightmare. But I think the light at the end of the tunnel is important. I realize that I cannot keep up this level of stress, anxiety, physical exertion, and personal neglect. I no longer eat, bathe, or sleep regularly. After the kids fall asleep, I do projects around the house until I fall asleep in random places. No friends, and besides their aunt, no family. We have almost paid off a small plot of land in Northern California. That is our light at the end of the tunnel. I have to stop working so much...I could handle the job when I was able to take better care of myself, but now the pain is starting to become constant and unbearable. It won't be easy to start a new life out there, I know, but we have to try. So we plan to start a small farm, and until the farm can break into the green, I will either be long hauling, or doing some night janitorial. I think working towards something better is important, even if you don't know exactly how you are going to do it. Like learning to ride a bike, you just push off, and then the rest is on the fly. You learn to self-correct. You may fall, and it might hurt, but you get back up and go again. I wish you good luck, though! It's not, NOT easy to do this alone. I don't know how I've gotten this far, honestly.

Hey,
I am a single mom of two lovely kids. Their fathers are not involved in their lives. I feel bitter, and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. On the other hand, I am a born again but it just gets tough. I resorted to dating rich married man just to pass time. I cry every single day. I feel like a walking ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Good luck. I'm 43 and have a 5 and 3 year old. In my world it never gets better. I'm alone and anymore that's how I want it. Don't wanna be around the happy well rounded people. I made my choices so I choose to live with them.

I could have written this post... As I kept thinking you took the thoughts from my head. I'm a 21 year old single mom working part time, taking 2 accounting classes, and raising two year old boy. I love him more than anything and honestly he has taught me real joy. But at the same time I have never felt so sad and alone. Disconnected from everything and everyone. I hear my peers talk about going out and having fun and I just sit there thinking, I wish I could go and just be normal. But there's too much to do - school, homework, baby, momma cleaning and cooking duty, work, barley any sleep. And if I spend money on going out then thats money away from the bills I have to pay. Every month it's paycheck to paycheck and I don't want to work more because I have no time as it is. I want to raise my son, not some person I see for five minutes at drop off and pick up time. Between going to work and school my son is in 40 hours a week of daycare. I would love to continue school after I earn my associates this spring but I also hate that I am missing out on my sons life by being in school. Then at home I feel like I'm always busy making meals or doing laundry and making sure everything is ready for the next day. I live on my own and don't have any family to help with my son. It's like all of a sudden I went from 17 and doing whatever I wanted with my only responsibility being work and full time college, couldn't even make Mac n cheese without reading the box, to being almost 22 without friends, sitting at home every night. I feel so socially awkward because I never really talk to people since I now take online classes there is no interaction with real people. I really don't see my parents and it seems as though my mother is actually pushing me away during this time of extreme loneliness and uncertainty. Life seems like its flying away right under my feet and I am missing out on so much. Like you said, I don't even want to leave the house any more. I have struggled with depression my entire life but when I tried medication I always stopped because I knew that I needed to learn to cope on my own and work through my problems with my mind. But I just need to feel connected to something greater than my own little bubble. The world is so small and the walls feel like they are closing in. I have never traveled or really even left my home state. Lately I can list all the places I go on one hand... The daycare, work, home, grocery store, public library.

The worst part is that I miss the life I had before my son... Lack of commitment (could spend my money on myself, could work any and all hours, could sleep, could see friends), my body (I have always struggled with no self esteem and now I have gained 40 lbs when I was a my lowest weight ever before my pregnancy. I tried going to the gym but now I don't even have the time). I feel like a terrible mom missing these things because all those changes are a direct result of being a mom. But I don't ever regret my son. He made me responsible, he taught be patience, he has shown me joy, he is a pleasure to watch grow everyday and the greatest gift is being able to teach him. He understands everything I say and he listens very well and I am so proud to say that he is my son. I wouldn't give him up for the world.

How do I manage to feel good about myself? Be an active parent? Finish school while working enough to pay the bills? And have some social life? Or cope with losing some of those?

Hi.
Reading ur blog was refreshing for me. I am a 25-year old single mum, been solo with bubba for just over 2 years now. I go through really emotional phases & at the moment I am not in a good space. Some months things seem shiny, colourful & achievable and the next I just want to sleep until the pain is over. I am riddled with guilt as I go through these times as my temper is short & I feel like I am not genuinely enjoying my time; either with my daughter, others or even by myself.
Maybe for yourself you are filing ur time up so much that you haven't allowed urself time to sort through your emotions and self...I think I am the opposite! Too much time!

Hi, I am a 46 male and live in New York City. I suffer from sever depression which makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. Even though I am pretty well off , i still find it hard to settle down. I am writing this because I come to realize the best thing I can do right now is to help those in need. <br />
<br />
I was raised in a single family environment (even though we were not poor) and I know what it's like. The reason I came upon this site is because I was at a supermarket (i go there often) and spoke to a cashier who is 18 years old with a child. She had the same issues many on this site have. <br />
<br />
After speaking to my accountant, I was able to help her financially through a non profit organization she had Joined. Since I am single, I pay an enormous amount of tax so my accountant I was able to write it off as a Tax donation. <br />
<br />
If any of you have a non-profit organization you are part of and need help, please let me know and I will be happy to help financially if I can. I know there are a lot of dishonest people out there that likes to take advantage of peoples generosity. I know because I have a lot of acquaintance who are my "friends" simple because I have money. <br />
<br />
At this point in my life I don't think I will ever marry or have a family; so I figure the best thing to do now is help those who are "really" in need (can't take the money with me anyway). So if any out there would like some help, please contact me and I will see what I can do. As for the lady at the supermarket, she saved her receipts from the purchases she did with the money I gave her and my accountant was able to write off a portion of them through the non-profit program I setup. If you are not part of an organization, I can still help if I find you are really in need, so please feel free to ask.<br />
<br />
Peace and God Bless.

I could rely use help, but i am not part of a non profit organization and dont know how to be

Our situations are very similar and your story was the first experience I read before I just decided to join this site

the only difference is I finally escaped my abusive marriage after 3 years I have 2 children and was in a car accident and unable to work, im back at home with my parents and I don't know myself anymore, I fell completely lost in life, but Ive got to get a new job figured out for my kids and for myself I definitely feel stuck and as hard as I try it seems I cant move forward, I barely socialize anymore I must say I am depressed , depressed to find out I was married to a psychopath Everything he told me about himself was a total lie and now I am a single mom at the age of 33 with 2 kids no savings trying to get through a divorce with no money or job, it is so rough I just do not see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you ever want to message, please do! I totally relate to your story

Kia ora. I am 44 with a beautiful 3 year old son. I am separated for almost 2 years from my husband. It was a difficult separation but we work well together as co-parents. Our son is our primary focus so we created our own informal child care arrangements which work well. Fortunately my sons dad has him every weekend which gives me a much needed rest and socialising time. I now receive a single parent benefit because I've used all my savings. I am establishing my business and hope to pay myself a wage in time to replace the benefit. With weekends free I also work on my business every Saturday. Essentially I work 6 days a week in my office and before and after work I parent my beautiful son 5 days a week. I am exhausted!
I am exhausted when I wake up, after I drop my son to day care, when I get to the office, when I get home, when I put him to bed and now every night by 9pm! I am now reading blogs etc on single parenting and its only just dawned on me how exhausting it is!
What strikes me about your narrative is how exhausted you sound. And how joy disappears when exhaustion settles in. I am still finding my way through my own exhaustion so have little to offer you. It may also be difficult to accept my perspective because my circumstances seem so removed from yours. However our commonality is how we are working to better our own and our children's circumstances and how essentially exhausting that is for us without the partnership of someone else every day to help relieve the burden of constant parenting.
I've been yelling at my son and asking myself why. Feeling guilty and ashamed even after I say sorry to him. I've only just realised it's cos I'm exhausted! I forget all the things I do and am responsible for which exhausts me. I forget he wakes up almost 4 times a night cos he has eczema and scratches and I have to tend to him. I forget all the things which exhaust me because I'm singularly focused on getting onto the next thing I have to do. I simply forget I am on my own doing it all.
What is currently working for me is weekends off but who knows how long that will last! And now early nights for long sleeps! Also time to myself to ponder, read etc. And buying and wearing a gorgeous dress to work I got second hand or on sale! And visiting and staying in touch with lots of friends. Real friends who care about and understand me. And will drink a bottle of wine or a pot of tea with me! Hah! Despite all this though I am still very very exhausted and my challenge is to slow down and accept I am exhausted because I am working so hard to be a good enough mum, provider, ex-partner, co-parent, friend and sister. I have a tendency to be super woman so slowing down is very difficult for me. This is going to be a hard lesson.
I hope you find your balance and your joy as you continue to strive to do better for yourself and your child. I hope you find new friends who enjoy being with you and understand your circumstances. I hope you find times of rest and rejuvenation so you can continue to do and be your best for you and your family. I hope you are better at slowing down than I! I hope exhaustion becomes our friend, not our enemy. Cheers!

have things gotten any better? i have been through a very similar situation if u need to talk.

I know what you are going through. I myself am a 22 year old mother who is no longer with my daughters father. He never hit me but we fought alot. My mom heard him curse at me and call me inappropriate names. My mom sat me down one night and asked me if this is who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Honestly, it's hard to deal with. I miss him still, but I know it can't be. I myself am so depressed and it's been a few months. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. I know what you mean by being lonely. I'm in everynight after I get my daughter to sleep and after I get everything done I just lay in my bed. My mind races and I can't get it to stop sometimes. I always think about if I could have done anything different. But then I feel like an idiot for going down that route. My self confidence is so low right now. I have trouble talking to people and I use to be so outgoing. Personally I had trouble even going to get my haircut. I'm considering counseling. Maybe you should too. Good luck to you and I hope you find your happiness.

Thanks for responding. I\'m about a year late. I am going to start using this site more frequently because I feel it is like counseling! I don\'t know if you feel any better, but I personally don\'t. I think I\'ve gotten worse. I try everyday to feel better and I just...can\'t. I am stressed about money, I owe a lot. I stopped talking to my two main friends because they lost my trust. I just go to work, go home, pick my daughter up from daycare, and go to the park or something by ourselves, then go back home and do it all over again the next day. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I get more depressed when I don\'t see it each day. It\'s like, I know things will look up for me, but they aren\'t at this moment and it\'s breaking me down. I lost myself, and I know I will get it back, it just sucks when you have nobody you feel cares about you to talk to you. Oh, I am the same way about the haircut thing. I can\'t even connect with people anymore. I, too, used to be so outgoing and I know I still am! Do you know what I mean?

I am a 43 year old single mom as of 2 years ago and 16 years of marriage. I have 2 daughters, 17 and 11, and a son, 14. I am a stay at home, homeschooling, work from home mom and also a full time online student, myself! I have to say, I am proud of ALL of us! I'm sure we can all agree that being a mom is the hardest job there is...we should be paid for it! Yes, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it feels hopeless. I am often frustrated and wonder who I am, sometimes I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. Sometimes I feel like no one understands, like no one knows what I'm going through, like it's just me feeling this way. It's so important to remember that that's no the case. <br />
<br />
Bhbekc, you are not alone. You are a strong, determined, smart, caring woman and mother. It's understandable that you feel down at times, but don't give up. People told me when I was younger, be good to yourself, take care of yourself. That was hard for me, it seemed selfish and maybe I didn't know how to do those things. Do your best though. At 43 it makes perfect sense to me now and I appreciate it so much. If you have trouble with it don't worry, it'll come in time.<br />
<br />
On a side note, if you, or anyone else, is interested in learning about a legitimate home ba<x>sed business opportunity, check out my website. You can request more info from there or contact me directly... my name, number and email are on the page. No sales involved, lol. And no risk. This is what I do and I've been with the company for 9 years. It saved my life when my husband left me and our 3 kids and it's one place that I have found so many awesome women who are caring and supportive and always there for me. This business has helped me stay connected and not completely lose myself in mommy-land. :-) www.ForMyFmly.com

I really appreciate your story, it actually made me cry . I can relate to you on this I am 20, and I am going through the same thing minus the abuse part but me and my ex split also , I live with my mom & i am going to school. I too have the same questions; i often wonder when I am going to get me back? But you are very strong & brave because you are continuing to better yourself for you & your daughter I admire that alot. Thankyou for your story because it does re-assure me that I am not alone and that i am on the right track. You are a very strong person& im sure a great mother. =]

You and I need to talk sometime. I am slightly younger than you but I HAVE THE SAME EXACT PROBLEMS. Reading this, listening to your story, I feel the same way about my life. I had my Little when I was 18. Her father was very abusive so I made the decision to leave him before she was born. <br />
Now, I go to school full time and to keep several scholarships I must heavily involved in different organizations. I realize your situation may be harder but I assure you that you are not alone in your struggle.<br />
I also feel quite alone. I have friends that always want to hang out and guys that want a date but I just feel so overwhelmed with my life already to hang out. But then, at night, when my friends are out partying and going on dates, I wait by the phone and hope somebody shoots a text. <br />
Please, feel free to message me. Tell me about your day. About your baby. About how you feel. Any time you feel alone, I would love to hear from you about ANYTHING and I will respond asap!

hello,i appreciate the positivity you have showed am a single mother too and it takes its toll a times but the best thing to do is focus on what is best for you and your child and have hope it is only time that heals that feeling.

I don't have a lot of time but I can't not reply to your story! I am 45 and already traveled your path my advice stop doubting yourself as you have already made some amazing decisions focus on that! I happen to agree with your need to deal with depression using the power of your own mind. If you need a friend I am here and I'm sure many on this site agree! Just know your on the right path!

Hi everybody. Your comments mean more than you think. Thank you. <br />
<br />
One think I didn't explain very well, is that I am doing things with my daughter every minute I can. This means as soon as I get off work to the time she goes to bed. The time she is sleeping is the time I read the chapters I need to read or do the assignments I need to do. So, by that time I am really drained from a full day of work and play time. I notice that my daughter is most important and that I do not need to let my emotions get in the way of experiencing this time with my daughter. That might be what exhausts me. I know that I have to do my school work, but I know that giving my daughter great attention is more important to me! It stresses me out! I feel like there is not enough time in the day. <br />
<br />
Thanks for your advice about learning to be kinder to myself. I haven't stepped back and taken a look at what I have been through and how great I am doing right now as a young, single mother. When I read that, I cried. <br />
<br />
I am overly aware that people have it worse than me, which is one thought that goes through my mind often and causes sadness in me. I am often very sympathetic to other people, especially thinking about child abuse. It really affects my day. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I am a wreck, other times I feel like I am getting better. Today was a good day and I was and am still optimistic. I just hope it doesn't diminish like it usually does. <br />
<br />
Thanks again for your comments.

I think most single moms feel that way. I do sometimes. Its not as easy pppl think being a single parent. It takes alot out of you mentaly, phiscaly, and emotionly. Sounds like you got yourself on the right track. Dont give up it will pay off in the end just remember to spend some of your time with your child too.

Hi, you sound really tired and low. Which is not surprising with all the things you are doing! Wow. How do you fit everything in? Sounds like there have been some MAJOR changes in your life. I mean huge! Eg. leaving an abuser, and well done to getting rid of friends who don't represent who you are or where you want to be. Amazing!<br />
<br />
It is very tiring just parenting on its own, so no wonder you feel low. Though you are young (which means you have more energy than us oldie mothers) you are still not a machine. Please remember you may have made some mistakes, but you've done some good things too. It's ok to be kind to yourself!<br />
<br />
It sounds like you expect a lot of yourself. As a single parent, I sometimes push and punish myself - to do more, be more, achieve as much as when I was not a parent, and wondered why I felt so tired, empty and sad. Like you it felt awful and pointless. I felt lonely too. For 7 years I was pushing hard and not getting far. <br />
<br />
Finally I listened to other people who said - be kinder, to yourself! You're doing the best you can but you need to have balance - work then play. So gradually you just relax sometimes and do nothing, have a treat now and then - like see a movie on your own or do some hobby. Let there be some fun for you (as well as fun with your child), so you both have positive memories of this time. <br />
<br />
There will be time for study and full-time work in years to come, but kids are only kids once and it goes quickly. Once it's gone you don't get it back. If there is some way to reshuffle your life, then do it. <br />
<br />
Remember it takes courage and strength to leave an abuser. Just this act alone tells me you are a great person and mum!<br />
<br />
: )

I don't know the feeling but I do know that you need to put aside your sad feelings and just be thankful for what you do have. Date only when you are on your own 2 feet. And take your time it sounds like you just need a little time to take care of yourself and maybe have someone to take care of you for once.