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Everything For A Reason

I never wanted to be a mom. Then I found out i was pregnant, and REALLY didn't want to be a mom. I was terrified. He was created during a night of an over abundance of alcohol and a faulty condom.
It's been tough. He has allergies, eczema, a father that doesn't acknowledge him, but does the child that was born after my baby.
I wonder what things would be like if I wasn't a mom. I went through postpartum.
I dealt with people putting their noses where they don't belong:
"Oh, you need to get him for child support!"
"But I want nothing to do with him."
"He should still pay!"
"I STILL WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!"
I thought I wouldn't survive what seemed like forever with no sleep. He was teething, sick, not gaining enough weight. It seemed like karma said, "You like to worry about things, huh? Here's this little creature that has all of these problems and completely dependent on you. Put your worry to good use."
And now, not only are we dealing with allergies (peanut, wheat, egg, milk, soy, cat, dog, dust, pollen, cigarettes, laundry detergent!), but we can add he's starting to try to walk. He pulls himself up on things, then falls and hits his head. I freak out. More than I ever thought possible.
Something I never wanted, how can I love it so ******* much?
He looks just like the guy that helped create him. How can I love this kid more than my own life, and want to stab the man that helped make him?
He loves me too. If someone else is holding him and I come within 20 feet, he reaches for me. He smiles when he sees me. He crawls all over me, ignoring his toys, when I sit on the floor with him. When he falls or gets shots and cries, I actually comfort him.
Me being a mom still shocks me. Even though he will be one at the end of next month, it still shocks me. I love him so much. I'm one of THOSE moms that shows off the cute pictures and talks about her kid all the time. He's my life. I miss spending my money on me sometimes, but god, I love watching him. He makes every ******* thing I've gone through this past year and a half worth it.
"No, *******, I'm not married. What is this, the 1920's? Please. Do judge me. Like I care."
He has blonde hair that has some curl. Blue eyes. A dimple in his chin. He's a mix of me and the prettiest male I know. He is going to be so gorgeous . Especially since he already is.
SmotherMe SmotherMe 26-30, F 2 Responses Sep 19, 2012

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you two have my prayers. you are a great mother. My name is Jesse saddlebronk7@yahoo.com in Abilene Texas. shout at me if I may help.

Awww that's so sweet. He's so lucky to have you :)