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I Am a Single, Independent, Career Woman, But I Hate Being a Single Mom And Just Wish I Could Get Married to Someone I Love, Settle Down, Share Our Lives Together And Make a Family.

My daughter's biological father gave me a false pretense to go on.  We were dating for over 2 years when I was seven weeks pregnant and we found out.  He said he wanted to get married and even bought me a ring.  After I hit the second trimester, he told me that he didn't think that it was going to work out between me and him.  I was devastated but I found the strength to ditch him and move to be closer to my family when I was in the beginning of my third trimester.
Now she's 1 years old.  He is not a part of our family.  He has never come around and most of the time I don't think about him.  Which is just fine by me.  But I worry about my daughter and worry that she'll grow up lacking in some way because she doesn't have a daddy.  So many times I come across kids that are lacking in some way because they were missing a mom or a dad and that's NOT what I want for her.  My dad and my brother are great with her but still--I cannot help but to worry.
I am dating a really nice guy.  In fact, all the men I date are very nice and we usually continue being friendly even though our romantic relationship ends.  But I have a (not all bad) habit of cutting them out of my life and putting an end to it when I even get an inkling that they are starting to be even slightly detrimental to me and my emotional ability to be a good mom, and therefore, in turn, my daughter.
It's the classic "scared by the risk of putting your heart out on the line," but I don't know how else to operate because my daughter's father scarred me.  I'm exhausted by the "search" for the right guy and honestly? Though I am a single, independent, career woman, I hate being a single mom and just wish I could get married to someone I love, settle down, share our lives together and make a family.
queenprussia queenprussia 26-30, F 51 Responses Oct 2, 2006

Your Response


First, your daughter is not lacking anything. You have two great male role models in her life, you are blessed. its better to have that than a father who hurts your child emotionally. Your daughter has you, and that is worth more than the love of some abstract fantasy third party male.

I dont mean to sound rude, but it seems that maybe right now you are transferring your feelings on to your baby. Shes stll too young to realize that dad isn't around.

Its my opinion that you just feel lonely, I can understand that, but its not something that you should place so much importance on. Having a man in your life won't magically make things better, I know, I'm divorcing, but since we live in different states I'm doing it on my own any way.

Being a single mom is hard no two ways about it, BUT its better than being married and miserable with kids any day of the week.

<p>some days ago i was chatting with my very first love who contacted me after 18 years on skype...after some moments of conversation, i came to realise that she had never been happy with the man she married. she was always very fond of living abroad to see what her eyes wanted to see. it was after 18 years that she happened to see the true world with her heart. like we say prayers are made by the heart, not the tongue, without the heart, words have no meaning whilst uttered.<br />
likewise, i say making love with romance is true passion, without romance love has no meaning but it remains a fulfillment of certain desires'.<br />
the father of your daughter was not your love for she is not the fruit of a true passion and romance but of lust that your lover showed on you and left you for nowhere.<br />
you do not have to regret if he has gone, he is a sinner and he will be punished someday for all the tears you have been shedding all these days. but yes, you will have to mend your life before that your little daughter comes to realise all of her senses.<br />
in other words when you say that you hate being a single mom, i read it somewhere in your mindset that you also want to be loved, to be cared, to be cherised. but dating guys here and there won't help my dear. you have to look on a person who can accept both at the same time without any condition being imposed anywhere....<br />
...would you mind i stop here dear, i would like you to reply to me for this so that i may continue to see that what i am telling to you interests you. thanks.</p>

sirrus you are poor excuse for a human.

me too. its hard

There are times I just want to scream at my daughters dad for leaving but now, four months later, I really don't care about him. My daughter is the most important person in my life. And she'll always be the most important person in my life.

The word "bastard" to describe a child born out of wedlock is very inappropriate and offensive. My daughter isn't a "bastard" no child is, whether born with married parents or not. It was their choice to leave and because you decided to raise this child, I give you props for that. It's hard raising a child alone.

My dad and brother are filling the void of her father now being around. I am not looking to date and if you want to find mister right then that's great! :) I really hope you find him. Good luck! :D

The things you ask of a man,( being good to you and your child) would you be capable of being that yourself or must he not have children of his own? Just food for thought

Sometimes having a father screws a child more than not having one if he is not the right type of person. I had a two parent home and my mom died so my dad raised me and he destroyed my self esteem. I grew up and got into bad situations such as domestic violence with my kids father which nearly killed me and it was all because I wanted my kid to have a father like i did because I thought it was best for the child. I didn't realize no matter what may seem acceptable may be the very thing that is detrimental to your kid. So be thankful the father left, he wasn't strong enough to be a responsible dad anyways.

I can relate to how u feel I wish for the samething. All u can do is take it day by day :(

There are some parents who force to live together portraying a good family but it's all sham..<br />
We can't always get what we want.<br />
We should be contented key to happiness, grumble and complain, we will stumble..<br />
I'm a single mom of a cute and naughty boy (3 yrs)..<br />
There are real life people whom i know even if there was a dad, mom, children..<br />
The Father used to be the sole bread winner, due to diabetes, legs cut, the whole family now struggling to make ends meet.. The children work and study plus take care of Dad and housework which is really exhaustive..<br />
Tho seeing the situation with my two eyes, i cannot describe how hard it is to be in this situation..<br />
Don't worry, i'm glad you and your family is doing well..<br />
Someday, perhaps Mr Right will come along..

I wonder why everyone here is enraged with the dad... but seems to give a free pass to the mom...<br />
<br />
She chose to have a kid with the guy, she chose to have a kid even after he bailed.<br />
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Now she's trying to find a guy to support her and her bastard kid. And that is indeed what the child is. A bastard.<br />
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Do you want to wake up every morning looking into the face of the last guy that ****** your wife? I don't.

People like u make single moms. I am in this situation n understand wat she is going through but yet she is ready to trust a man again. Giving birth to a child is not a sin but killing it is. N also like females r responsible even the male is. If u want females to go through abortion then the male should go thru castration.

Maybe now isn't a good time to date your child is young and you will never again have this time. Just force yourself to focus on what you want then when you know find someone that has everything you want.

Well by now your daughter is a couple of years old and no doubt the treasure of your life !<br />
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None of us actually sets out to become a single parent, we *wear two hats* to compensate for the missing parent, and that's exhausting. Just be the best example of a fine woman you can be for your daughter.<br />
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Love will come your way again, trick is.... don't go looking for it because you come across as desperate and trying to saddle some guy with an instant family.<br />
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Let love be drawn to you because of the character you radiate, it will be more genuine lasting type.<br />
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Hugs from a fellow single parent who was abandon by her husband when he was *revolted* by processes whilst I was giving birth

it sounds to me a part of you still wants to be with your ex-bf and that is part of the reason you are destroying your relationships. It is time to let go of those old feelings and dreams he will one day wake up and want a family. He is missing out... don't you also miss out by denying yourself happiness with another.

I'm a 24/7 single parent like you. My son has never met his Dad. He fought for visitations and has never showed up. I have a male friend who has 2 children and our kids spend time together. My son is learning from his 7 year old boy and from my male friend. My son also draws pictures of my Dad, his "Grand-Daddy" all the time in daycare. He is a very happy intelligent and well-adjusted child. It is all I can hope for. You try your best but there is no parenting manual so you need to work with what you have. The little boys at school, older boys, male friends, granddads will all help. Just give your girl the chance to meet lots of different males.<br />
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Also, I would agree with the first comment. I am seeing a counsellor and discovering my fear of commitment is attached to my self-worth which is holding me back from finding 'the one'. You might be the same. Worth a shot to see a professional opinion.

whoa, you just described me. took the words straight from my mouth. I would hug you if I could. :)

If you "TALK" to your daughter, everything should be fine. My niece is 6 years old and we talk. My father wasn't in the same home after I was 9 and my father still wasn't there. It really makes me angry when people think they have an advantage because they are married. There are disadvantages in marriage as well as being a single mom. So trust me, you are what's best for you daughter, you can raise her into a smart human being. Yea she will want male attention but she has that from family and play mates. My dad did things to me a father shouldn't. You should be very happy that he walked away. He could of stayed, resented her, or may caused more damage by staying in her life. You will find a man with a good heart and great morals/character that will take care of you and your daughter. Do not settle, show your daughter how she should be treated by men by you.

he is a monster...fatherly mosterrrrr what you do is to have a way of gettting happy ....make sure u make life roll and roll with it....get all you can forget about him...sleep,wake, and rejoiceeee..i love you dearieeee

Wow, do I hate to see what has happened to you. I notice there have been no updates since your initial post 2 years ago. <br />
<br />
On the one hand, I can encourage you that there are some really great guys out there, many of whom will be loving daddies to your little girl. You have others to throw up the caution flags. You may find an older man from an unhappy marriage to be a great partner if you would be capable of loving someone older. Even though older guys may not have the same interests as you do in terms of music and other entertainment, you will find a mentor and friend along with a passionate lover who will secretly or openly enjoy your youth and beauty. The only thing is, he would be hesitant to approach you because he might not want to seem "creepy" to you. My own daughter finds the older man younger woman thing creepy, so when I am single I won't be likely to approach a mom in your situation even though I have loved being a dad and have more love to give.

I was a single dad for some time. The mother of my child was frivolous and had subtle tenancies of infidelity even though I never did find out if she was always faithful to me (Usually I just pretended to trust her for the sake of keeping the family together which I'll admit was a bad idea). Never really mattered after the baby was born anyway. At some point she just stopped caring for the child while I was away for work. Instead of paying attention to my daughter, she would close herself into our room and play games on the internet all day. It got to the point that it was actually dangerous for my daughter. After years of argument about the safety of a 2 year old, I took the child and left. (mind you the child was absolutely not the only reason. My god it was not the only reason)<br />
<br />
I'm married to a very career oriented woman now and happier than ever. I can share my burdens, trust another human being, and even sleep well :)<br />
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The point is, someone is out there. They just don't know who they are yet.

I am a 27 years old office lady , mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good older man who can give me real love, So i got a username natalieashley <br />
<br />
-----WWW.AGE DATE.C 0M ------ . <br />
<br />
It's the best club for cougar. Because the most of the members on this website are real and serious. Hurry up! Reply me here, maybe you wanna check it out or tell your friends.

I am a 27 years old office lady , mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good older man who can give me real love, So i got a username natalieashley <br />
<br />
-----WWW.AGE DATE.C 0M ------ . <br />
<br />
It's the best club for cougar. Because the most of the members on this website are real and serious. Hurry up! Reply me here, maybe you wanna check it out or tell your friends.

I am a 27 years old office lady , mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good older man who can give me real love, So i got a username natalieashley -----WWW.AGE DATE.C 0M ------ . It's the best club for cougar. Because the most of the members on this website are real and serious. Hurry up! Reply me here, maybe you wanna check it out or tell your friends.

hotwife4studs<br />
<br />
What is your response on deadbeat moms who are court ordered to pay child support, but fails. The judicial system goes soft on them. what is your input on this.

Your number one priority is and should be raising and providing for your daughter. In doing this, your life has more meaning than most people could imagine. You are helping shape the future of humanity through the next generation. If the right guy comes along, at the right time, and in the right place, go for it. If not, love being exactly who you are exactly the way you are.

It's a tightrope you have to walk -- he cares too little for your child, or he cares too much. Here's something from my past: I loved a divorced mom with two sons-- I made sure she divorced her abusive husband, father of one of them. I loved her sons and knew I would be a good influence on them at the crucial ages of 13 and 11. They thought I was a fun guy -- I am not completely sure they were ready to accept me as a father figure but I felt sure that would come in time. I went through a little maturing to be able to make that commitment to her and them. Then suddenly she called everything off. She never told me why directly, but her attitude toward me changed when her sons started accepting me -- she wanted to be the primary rock of their lives and I don't think she was ready to share. Not saying that dynamic works in your case exactly, but just be sure, when you turn down a guy, that it's not because of some need you have to keep your children closest to you alone, because that will hurt both you and your child in the long run. At any rate, good luck -- I feel sure you'll find a partner someday mature and ready enough to commit to both you and your child, and won't that be a happy occasion.

hi, well i can relate to this story big big time, several comments are soo right..about even if he had a physical "dad" or in case of this being a single dad, with a physical "mom" doesnt mean the absent parent would have made a difference. Cause physically there doesnt matter if they arent emotionally there and if they dont help with anything at all.<br />
i also think no matter what never bad mouth the other parent, it comes back to bite you in ***. <br />
my daughter adopted her grandfather as the father figure in her life, as we lived with them.<br />
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i also felt when my daughter was like 9, even though she had a father, we were divorced, i wanted a complete family unit. i had a great close relationship with my daughter.<br />
After she died, I found out from a few of her friends, that my daughter had felt "abandoned" by me, when I finally began dating and i met someone and got engaged,(trying to find the picket fence) {guess what? i already had that picket fence, it was me and my daughter}. i think that i possibly was too close to my daughter so this might be why she reacted that way, i dont know. (meaning feeling abandoned by me) she hated my fiance. I shouldve not stayed with him, for more reasons I can really add at this point. and remember, it takes two to tango. so i wont throw all the **** in his face, although from my point of view, It definately belongs there. <br />
as for the first fiance, like queenprussia wrote, i shouldve ditched him when i first realized he was a problem for what ever reason, but i didnt see it till it was too late. then i got another person in my life, who i am currently married too, she loved him. but he has a daughter and that caused a big rift. i could never win, still cant. <br />
also, what about the father like my daughter did have? the one who was always late to pick her up, the one who didnt know how to be a dad(not his fault) just not in his nature. when ever he flipped out or what ever- i didnt have to tell her about him, he showed her himself. how do you tell your 10 year old daughter she cant have an ipod cause we cant afford it and she goes over daddys house and he has three, plus a big screen tv and a computer, etc!! get the point, what do you say? the ipod was just for a comparision, i dont think they had them when my daughter was 10. <br />
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I am cutting and pasting from a comment below ***axelval - your comment is so important here. i hope some of the other single mothers here read it and take heart. you do not need a man to complete your family. your child will not thank you if you waste their lives being in and out of relationships that don't work out. your child will feel neglected and unloved if you put too much importance on a romantic relationship. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!<br />
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I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT, THATS THE SAD PART. so sad. i had it all, thought i needed more, but i didnt it was right there, right under my nose, unconditional love. i only had to give up 18 years due to my situation. i couldve waited, i wish i waited, she was the most important thing to me, but my actions made her think other wise, and she began dating boys and i lost control cause she was looking for love in all the wrong places, i was right there, physically .......and her dad wasnt there physically or emotionally. So when i became unavailable, unknowly, she changed and my whole life spirled out of control, all becasue i wanted the traditional american family. Sad, isnt it. But maybe it was me, maybe i just did it all wrong, i dont know. Anybody got any thoughts? best of luck to all of you single parents out there, weather you date or not, ---~~To date or Not to Date, that is the question! definately make sure that other party is emotionally able to handle it, i am now a step parent and i am having a really hard time and its not fair to the kid. They deserve loving adults. i love the kid, but my daughter died, and well i am way off the subject, but again, best of luck to you all.. thanks for listening.

I'm a single mom who has a 2 year old who has never known his father. He does not lack from male role models. He has the little boys he plays with, my father, and my male friends and is every bit the little man. The day he asks where his father is, I will not say anything bad about his father but I will tell him that some men just do not want to be fathers and his father was exactly that. I will show him the order showing that his dad has visitation rights and has never exercised them. <br />
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I have discovered that young men without dad's tend to adopt one of their friends dads for advice. <br />
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I didn't have grandparents when I was young. That did not stop me from adopting my friends grandparents. <br />
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Raise your child the best you know how, to be strong emotionally and be able to weather the storms. Be there when she needs you and give her independence so she can learn from her mistakes. Fill in the gaps as best you can and she will fill in the rest herself.

I thing it is important to find someone who loves you first of all. If he loves you, every thing else will fall into place if you allow it. But I also agree with one of the other writers it don't sound like you are ready, yourself to open enough to be with someone. Also so many of these women sound like they are just done with guys. If you are raising a son be careful not to give him a bad taste for being a man. In other words, do push him to wanting to be a female. But there are many guys like myself that just don't date any more because the women that we meet feel the way that the women here feel about men.

axelval - your comment is so important here. i hope some of the other single mothers here read it and take heart. you do not need a man to complete your family. your child will not thank you if you waste their lives being in and out of relationships that don't work out. your child will feel neglected and unloved if you put too much importance on a romantic relationship. if you had your children young and will be in your 40s by the time they grow and leave home/go to college, focus totally on your love life then... your children are only children for a few years, years you will never get back. you have a lot more time to find love, but not all the time in the world with your kids. <br />
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i'm not preaching because i think i know better or anything, but i feel this way about myself. i am a solo parent who tried to make this family happen and when it failed AGAIN it hurt us all very deeply, my children ended up losing another parental figure - yet again. i'm not putting them through this again when i only have a decade left before they both start to fly out of the nest. my love life can wait. in the meantime i will still enjoy myself and date, but not with any real hope of a relationship with anyone. my heart is just not in it.<br />
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sandydrummo - you rock!!! what an awesome single mother you are... your children must love you to pieces. thank you for sharing your views too.

if ur waiting for the right guy,,<br />
then let me tell you this,<br />
there are no such right guy.. ^_^<br />
im not saying that im perfect or im not..<br />
all guys are good in the first to 4th date, until he can go under your pants..<br />
now im just being honest with u.. <br />
an imperfect guy can be perfect but if u want him to be perfect..<br />
<br />
<br />
Shiittt... i have to work.... hahahahaha<br />
chat with u next time...