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And I Love My Kids But...

How do you deal with ungrateful kids?

I am in a situation right now that truly brings me to tears.

I have a 16 year old son and a 14 yo girl. I work a full time job, I work from 7:30 to 3:20 daily plus I go to a counseling site for my practicum from 4-9pm on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. On Wednesdays I go to school. On Saturdays I tutor from 8:30 to 1:30 pm. I have to do all these because I do not get any child support and I am the sole provider in my family.

I just want to preface that I do not need anyone telling me that maybe my kids need more time with me. This is something I have figured out already but right now I have to finish my Master's and I just have 2 months to go so after that I will have all the time in the world in the afternoons. Some single moms are able to rely on family, or the father or someone close to provide some sort of relief but I have absolutely no one. The problem is not really behavioral in that they are not disrespectful or in trouble at school, that is not it. The problem is that they do not want to help at all at home.

I find it that nothing gets done, the house is always a mess and asking them to do anything ends up in a huge argument because of their way of handling it. They tend to pout, make faces, roll they eyes, and what is really getting to me is that if I don't demand something to get done it simply doesn't get done. I come home everyday to a house that is a mess, dishes not washed, nothing picked up, their rooms are a mess as well. For a long time I have just asked and asked and they still enjoy certain privileges such as computer time and t. v. time and cell phone. When I took the phone away it created a lot of problems because  I couldn't keep in touch (we don't have a house phone) and it was difficult so I had to give it back. When I took the computer away they complained that they couldn't do school work...

You know what I've just realized. I am venting!

I don't have anyone to vent to. I know what I need to do. I just wish they would understand that I do not want to take away things but it is going to have to be that way. We got our phones disconnected this week (cel phone) I have no money right now for that. I think I am going to pay mine and not theirs until I start seeing a change. I also think I am going to give them each 2 hours of pc for homework, it should be enough, if they want more they have to earn it.

I just want someone to appreciate my work, I work so hard, I do it for them. I have completely pour myself into what I do professionally and as a mother, I have not one single friend, I haven't had a relationship in the longest time, I just don't have time for anything and it seems to me that I should be able to come home to a nice house. I have told them a thousand times I don't want perfection but they don't listen until I yell and scream. Then, of course the mommy guilt creeps in and i feel guilty about everything, about not being there for them, about not having enough for them... about everything. I am sorry this was not a happy wonderful story. I love my kids, I wish they knew how much.

;(

40ishgirl 40ishgirl 41-45, F 8 Responses Feb 15, 2010

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My story is just like yours except you got a lot going on that you should be proud of! I am a server I work all the time no support or help from anyone! I always cut myself slack in the area of house work so I could spend what little time I had with my children having fun. Dishes garbage and toilets must stay clean the rest we did what we could. They always knew that if they wanted to play with mommy on Sunday these things have to be kept up. My material nest will soon empty out as my youngest is 17 1/2 my relationship with them is priceless. As single moms our jobs are difficult dig deep decide what's most important. If possible pick a day for them and try to stick with it. Be open discuss your feelings and verbalized why you do all the things you do.

thank you for your support and kind comments.

i am feeling really sad after reading ur story.. dont worry everything will come fyn.. just pray to god.i want to be your friend .addme wen u r back to ep

thank you for your comment. and i do pray constantly and things get better and sometimes other things get bad but i guess life is like that

My sister pays her kids to clean and I use a reward book. You must have someone home with the kids try a nanny 10 hours a week. Or as that they take a fun class. Plus 14 is a bad age to leave a child alone at home unless you have a home cam you are asking for issues with sex drugs drinking.

i wish i could afford a nanny but i am happy to tell you it has been 2 years since that story and things are looking up

I am happy that things got better for you

hey

since u were venting, doesn't have to be happy necessarily

well i am not a mother, but i am a daughter, previously i used to do the same to my mom, but now, i have come to realization how difficult it is to just survive, let alone provide for others, now, even if i back answer my mom, the guilt creeps me out.. because whatever she might be thinking and however she is, i wouldn't have been what i am if it wasn't for her....

so i understand when you expect back so little..

and you deserve that...

that is so sweet. there is hope! yei!

I was just googling inspirational single mom stories, (as I can always use them to help me through my days) and I came across this website and your comment, and I wanted so much to respond because I have many similarities and have just found some peace and understanding with the same problem of coming home to a messy house, and feeling like all I do is NAG to ungrateful children!



Here's what I can tell you. I have a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I am "It" for them, financially and emotionally raising them on my own and have been for some time. Same struggles And have also juggled many jobs and school. Crossing my fingers at the end of each month hoping I'll be able to get my bills paid.



I have been practically running into book stores screaming HELP!! in the past few weeks. One day I came out with a book titled "Get Out of My Life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" a parents guide for teenagers, written by Anthony E. Wolf Ph.D.



He is excellent at zero-ing in on exactly the type of behavior you are talking about, the feelings that this behavior drums up in you and exactly how teenagers think. I can't say enough about the peace I feel dealing with the kids now, they still act like "it's all about me teenagers" but I have found peace dealing with it all.



The book is funny, real and such a help. I hope you find peace with it all, they'll be out of the house in the blink of an eye. We'll miss this time??????

I totally understand you. I really do. I know my bby girl is just 10 months. SO, it's totally different. My sister is a single mother of 4. She does so much for her *ungrateful* kids and myself. I am ungrateful, too, at times but it's sad that i'm the only one that listens. Anyways, she wakes up at 3am to take my brother to work, then at 7am to work til 145 then to school til like 7pm then do homework. and the same routine. During the weekends, it's just study time and spending it with her kids. It is really stressful but she is doing it for her kids and I am as well. But I just go to school and take care of my baby girl. So yeah. But you know what you may want to do, maybe you could like write them a letter or send them to work with you so they could see how hard it is. Give each one a small bill, to see if they can do it. Maybe there, they would understand how hard.

I wish you the best and just hang in there. Everything that you are doing is well worth it. But make sure to tell them you love them. Sometimes, that's all they need to hear. (:

i am a single mother to a 13 year old teenage boy. my son makes me want to strangle him sometimes. i know how you feel when you talk about your teen aged kids. i do yell at my son because i never hit him. he does things but it is done in poor quality.



you have to have a family meeting and tell them how hard your life is and how you need them to help you. of course your words may not mean anything. i would take their privilges away from them also if they dont do it.

i hope you dont get upset with me for saying this but you said you "ask" them to do something. i honestly believe you have to tell them and be more agressive. they need to know that if they dont do xyz when you get home there will be hell to pay. they should be able to help out with the house.

do your kids have assigned choirs they have to do when they come home everyday.?

I think it is a wonderful story of a mother's love, devotion, and determination to make a good life for herself and her children.



Your kids are at an age where they resent everything and anything that is suggested to them. These are very difficult ages. I think your venting allowed you to come up with a very good solution. Give them 2hours pc time, renew just your phone, they will get the message real quick about what's expected of them.

Why don't you go back to the behavior charts used for little kids. They do the job, they earn points, it'll take a certain number of points to win back time on the pc and phone. It should work.



Lastly, I admire all the hard work you're doing. They won't and can't appreciate what you're going through now, but life has a way of evening things out. I'm sure as the years go on, they'll be singing another song.



Best of luck!