Single Mother: I Just Don't Know Where To Go From Here!
This is my story, my name is Rachel and I am 25 yrs old. I had my first child four months after my 16th birthday. His father was 20 when I got pregnant. He pretty much abandoned us, popping up about every six months 'till my son was almost two then completly disappeared. For years my son would see other kids with their fathers and ask me where his was. I never knew what to tell him. It broke my heart and his. My mother helped me raise him and was very supportive. Child support searched for him for a few yrs and then out of the blue I started getting a check from the gov. with no explaination or answers to my questions. I started getting them in July of 2009. In Oct. of 2010 our questions not being answered finally got to me and I decided to find him on my own. I typed into google everything I knew about his father and I came across his obits. He had died in Feb. of 2009. Nobody told me anything about this and yet child support and the gov. knew all about it. I looked up the family listed in his obits. I have called and emailed and not one person from his family has answered. I have no idea how or why he died. I couldn't even tell my son for a long time what I had found because I knew he would have questions and I didn't have the answers. I was terrified! My son just happened to come in earshot one day while I was talking to one of my sisters about it and he came running in the room and cried out "MY FATHER IS DEAD?!?!?" For weeks he wouldn't even talk to me about it. I felt like I had lost a part of my child, like he shut down a part of himself. We were miserable. To this day that is still a very sore subject. I recently had another lil boy in Jan. 2012. He's five months old. Even though I'm not with his father, anytime we talk about him my older son gets upset as though he is jealous of his baby brother for having a father. Since I've had my baby, my older son has been acting out a lot more then usual. At the same time they adore each other and spend a lot of time together and have really bonded. I'm pretty sure he's just mad about the daddy situation. I don't know how to help him. i don't want him to resent me or his baby brother. I thought maybe if I found out where he was buried and took my son there then maybe he could have a little bit of closure. I'm really not sure what to do at this point. Now I'm having to deal with a new baby daddy and this time is much more difficult. The man terrifies me. He has a really bad background (I have the worst taste in men) The woman he is with now is crazy and unpredictable. I wanting to take him to court and file for custody but Im not sure how to do this with little to no money. Everything I have researched on the subject cost way too much. I'm a good mother! I may have had a rocky and early start in motherhood, but I have grown. I work hard, I take care of my kids as best as I can. I even stopped dating so that I have more time with my babies. My kids are my life! I'm willing to do anything and everything for them. I've given up friends and family for them and would do it all again. I work part time and will soon being going back to school to advance in the medical career. I have my so enrolled in Hopkido to sorta help with his anger. I have thought about seeking help from a counselor but I went through so many as a child and teenager to deal with not having my father around and it only made matters worse. Half of them didn't know what they were doing and the rest of them just wanted to medicate me into a zombie. I don't want that for my child. I would'nt wish that on any child. I just don't know where to go from here!