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Almost Divorced With 2 Children

though i do not have primary custody i consider myself very much a father.  i involve myself in my childrens' lives as much as possible.  i still direct their growth as persons.  i give all the love i have and make sure they know it.

i am devastated that i am no longer a part of their daily lives.  that i've lost the privilege to watch and participate in every new experience.  i raised my children for 8 1/2 years.  i tucked them in every night.  my son is my shadow.  my daughter and i have a connection that only a father/daughter could appreciate.  i am heart-broken but i hide it from them so they can grow up as secure and carefree as possible.

i listened to good advice and never, ever run down their mother to them.  i do the opposite, i continually build her up even while she is hurting me in the worst possible way - doing everything she possibly can to alienate me from them.

my children are twin boy and girl, 9 years old.  they are my life.

roadkil roadkil 46-50, M 4 Responses Feb 13, 2009

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ur intentions may be good trying to hide certain things from ur kids, but u can't hide from them what they KNOW. i'm speaking of when u said, 'u build her up to them' all the time. please don't. if she is a four-flushing loser--do not dress that up to them--THAT will truly confuse them. (if she's sooooo wonderful, why the divorce then, they'll think). of course do not make denigrating insults of her either that's just low-class and rude, bcuz the kids are part-you and part-her, so really you'd be running down them. i asked my kids to simply think about their dad, think of something about him that means the dearest and most to you, and hold that part of him in your heart forever. (in my case, i HAD to leave, or else, first my older son's dad then my younger son's dad---no choice--and they know why)---my suggestion to my kids worked wonderfully well to help them focus on SOMETHING positive about their dads--of their own choosing--without me trying to white-wash anything.

Learning that having your heart broken is something that can happen and it's ok to be upset about it and work through it is not a burden it's how we teach our kids to deal with life and the obstacles that can derail it but it doesn't mean life is over it's just changing and they need to know that.

you are right. sunday was our 17th anniversary and the divorce isn't final yet. on the way to taking them back i stopped at the store and they helped me pick out two tulips in a vase. no card, i knew the flowers would say enough and she can choose to dump them if she wishes.



i didn't expect to, but when we got in the car and started driving, looking over and seeing my daughter holding the flowers and the both of them singing happy anniversary, i couldn't stop the tears. my son kept trying to 'cheer me up' but i could only speak in a whisper to keep from just all out bawling. i try so hard not to burden them.

So sorry for your loss of time with them. I don't think you can hide it they likely know your heartbroken and letting them see you cry and feel some of the emotions that come with it is pretty healthy for them to see and learn from.