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Sshhhhhh....don't Say It Too Loud!!!

The peanut gallery (AKA as my daughter and my EX) may hear you!!!  They are both expecting me to live like Mother Theresa.  My 11-year old exclaims that NO ONE over 35-years old should be kissing because it's disgusting!!!!   I asked her doesn't she want Mommy to have someone special in her life?  She replies, aren't I enough?  You always did say I was a handful.  After a round of giggles she finally says okay...of course I want you to have someone but I still think its gross for you to be kissing at your age.  So sarcastically I say, okay that's good to know you that you're okay with me to have someone as long as I don't kiss them.  Rolling my eyes as I said it.  She then says, Mom you're pretty and you've got nice boobs. 

If my daughter mentions that I got my hair done or nails done my EX will ask if Mommy has a date.  He knows how protective I am of my daughter and how busy I am with her so he's counting on me not paying much attention to my love life.  He doesn't want me.  He just doesn't want another male in her life that may take his place.  

I decided last month that I should try working on my "new social life" so I decided to join a dating website.  I have learned that men at this age still don't know how to date.  The first guy that asked me out wanted to meet at a sports bar that had TV monitors everywhere.  Maybe it's just me that I didn't think it was the ideal place to take a first date.  Why would I want to spend an evening screaming across the table to have a conversation while his eyes roamed the room so he can watch sports galore?  We opted for a pizza place.  It was casual so his attire of jeans and a polo shirt was okay...except his polo shirt had his company's name embrodered on it.  He didn't work that day....why would you want to wear that for a date?  He was a few years older and just retired from the military.  He was on the fast track to find someone to nest with.  I knew this so I was frank and told him that I wasn't sure that I was ready for all that.  He wanted to go on a second date and was trying to convince me that we could just hang out as friends.  This guy is someone who is goal oriented and doesn't do anything just because.  SO in my mind I said, let me see what his actions are at the end of the date. When we were heading out the door, I was walking first and paused at the door.  Made small talk to see if he would step ahead of me to open it.  He didnt.   He was parked in front of the restaurant while I was parked across the street.  I wanted to see if he would offer to walk me to my door.   He never offered to walk me to my car.  He wanted to stand there and try to talk to me a little longer but I insisted that he answer his phone because it kept on ringing.  I simply smiled, said goodbye and left. 

The second guy wanted to go to a restaurant overlooking the beach.  I mentioned a couple and then he picked one.  Since I've never been to the restaurant he chose I looked it up on the web.  The restaurant is the kind of place you want to take your special valentine to.  Romantic, candles, etc.  I called him back up and asked him if we could change venues because I thought it was a little much for a first date.  He was fine and we chose a more casual restaurant.  He showed up to the date wearing white sneakers, mid calf white socks, shorts, tshirt and a button down shirt over it.  I would have died if he showed up at the other restaurant dressed like that.  Frankly, he's over 40 that look is fine if you're in your twenties.  Again, really nice gentleman.  I was trying to get to know more about him while he would talk to me about general stuff.  Point blank, I asked him was there anything that he wanted to know about me.  He didn't really have anything to say.  Afterwards, we take a walk on the boardwalk.  Gorgeous night.  We stop and we are looking at the moonlight.  Totally romantic.  I'm attracted to him so I figure why not.   I move closer towards him and look him in the eye and say that I find him attractive and that I have had a very good time.  Im' practially tilting over waiting for him to lean forward to kiss me. NOTHING!!!!!  Okay...so I say that I needed to head home.  He starts talking about how we should do this again.  His car is closer by a few feet, I walk him to his car.  He doesn't offer to walk me a few feet farther to my car.  I was gracious, thanked him for dinner, kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug.  He started asking about next weekend but he arrived to his own conclusion that I wasn't available since I had my daughter that weekend.  I left it alone and walked away and got into my car. 

I haven't dated in over two decades.  I look for the simple things on a first date.  It's the first impression so you would assume they would show you their best.  I look to see if they are chivalrous.  How are they contributing to the conversation?  Are they really trying to get to know me?  The second guy mentioned that his favorite color was purple so I showed up wearing a purple blouse.  Never noticed it.  Neither of them complimented how I look like even though both were practically looking down my shirt.   If I showed up in shorts and a tshirt, that guy wouldn't be too happy.  I'm not saying that he has to show up in a dinner jacket, but dress like you're excited to see me. 

My third date was dressed more appropriately.  However, he was newly divorced and he was really not ready to be dating anyone.  So I won't even bore you with that. 

So I think I've had my fill of dates for awhile. This dating stuff is tiring.  I need to take months to rest. 



Mahal1023 Mahal1023 46-50, F 18 Responses Jul 30, 2011

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Man, that was hilarious! You are such a lucid observer and analyst! :)<br />
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You really should write a column for some magazine! Or perhaps you are already? :)

I have a bigger issue with my grown up kids. My 21 year old daughter that lives w/me actually suggested i move in with her friend who was her high school secretary because we are the same age and she's divorced too. When I suggested that I'm perfectly all right living by myself she thought THAT was weird.
i'm trying to wade through it all. I haven't dated yet. I would like to, but I also don't want anything serious. I spent almost every minute of the day with my ex husband. I'm enjoying having my own identity but I do get really lonely and would like to have some company. I know it's time to get away from my computer screen and get out there despite the weird expectations of my kids.

I understand completely. The 40 something men are on the extreme end of clueless especially if they havent raised any children. I'm a widowed mom of two boys and I'm looking at the 55 and over crowd. Just so I dont have to deal with too many babies.

You have to know going in (the dating scene) that you will have to trudge through a lot of crap before you find that special someone. This is true no matter what age group. Sure there are different nuances when you are in your twenties vs. forties but still- chances are you will meet many a frog before coming upon prince charming. Not that these guys are bad guys- just not the guys for you. In short- settle on the expectation that this will require a lot of work and that you will come across guys who are dumb, ugly, absent of a personality, broke, full of themselves, on and on... until you find someone that is just right... hang in there!

Funny you should stumble on this story now. I've had enough for awhile and decided to give my "dating life" a rest. I would be thrilled at this point just to make a friend and have someone to hang out with every now and then.

Mistake 1: Dating to find romance. Dating is to go out and have fun. Romance happens or it doesn't. No need to look for it.<br />
Best bet is getting involved in stuff and meeting people. Your age is perfect for that. Your worldly experience is perfectly balanced with your energy level to be able to make a difference. When you get out there in this manner, you will meet the right kind of peeps that you would like to hang with.

GA I wasn't looking for romance. Dating way back when use to be introducing yourself to as stranger you meet and going on a date to learn about each other. Now you email, text and talk on the phone before you even go on that first date. I made it clear that I was looking for friendship and companionship. If something comes out of it, then great. If not, we've built a friendship worth keeping. Win, win. I'm the mother of a daughter who is involved in everything so most of my waking hours outside of work is spent shuttling her from one activity to another. Having adult time to myself is rarity. I have gone out and done things I enjoy today. I smile and say hello to everyone I walk past. I always give out vibes that I'm easily approachable. But people are so closed off. They feel more comfortable texting someone than actually being in the moment and try to strike up a conversation with someone that is sitting near them.

Nubian thank you for your thoughts. A few years younger than me, I dont mind. Anything more is just outright out of the question!!! I've already got my hands full with two children, my daughter and my Ex!!!! Lol! Actually my Ex is two years older than me.<br />
I do want to point out that ultimately I want a guy that is comfortable enough to be himself with me.

Monkey I can overlook the clothes if your charming personality wins me over. I get the feeling that your clothes have a lot to do with your personality. All I ask is don't invite me to dine at an upscale restaurant that serves fine wine and food wearing a t shirt and shorts for dinner. Take me to a casual place instead. While I don't want you to take me to a dive or a sports bar on a first date, the venue isn't something that should be used to impress a date. More focus should be just on you being you.

Ckirste2, there are women that appreciate that. You just haven't found them yet. It's nice for the guy to be chivalrous. I want to see if it comes natliural to them or does it look like they have to remind themselves that this is what you're suppose to be doing. With the online dating thing, all the jitters and nervousness should have already been gone. At least in my case. These guys were so comfortable enough with me to share intimate and private information about themselves before we even set eyes on each other. These guys had already had my attention and pretty much my approval. They knew that going into the date. I wanted to walk away and say hey I'm really excited that I met him and want to know more of him.

All in all Geetar, there really wasn't any chemistry with any of them once we met in person. On the phone and online their personalities were so much more relaxed and free. In person, they were so reserved. I want to be with someone who feels comfortable being who they truly are with me. That's what I was looking for. I told them I knew I already liked them that's why we are going on the date so they needn't worry about wondering about that.

First impressions are important. You'd think that someone 'nesting' would take more time to make a good impression especially if they already took some time to get to know you beforehand.

OceanStar66, I spent a lot of time emailing and phoning these guys before we actually went out on a date. They were "nice" guys. I wasn't expecting to fall head over heels in love. I'm sorry to hear that one of them ditched you. That's pretty bad. I would think he would just be adult enough to end the date early rather than simply just walk out.

Silvertree, you're such a doll!!!! I'm not looking for perfection. For me it speaks volumes how naturally a guys actions are. At times I will want to open the door for you. But this is the first date and I'm trying to see if a lot of actions are coming naturally or is it just for "show" because you're on a first date. I was really excited to meet them as I've had opportunities to speak with them beforehand and we've already shared laughs and flirtations. So naturally I would assume it will spill over to us being in the same room together. These guys lost their personalities somewhere before they got to dinner. I'm not sure about the sweeping me off my feet part. Right now I'm just looking for someone that I can hang out with and share some laughs. I want to build on that. Sweeping me off my feet makes me dizzy and brings my all my anxieties out. I don't trust it so I will find a way to sabotage it. I know my daughter and I are a package deal...but she's definitely not going to be a part of my dating life. Not planning to have her meet anyone.

These men are as out of practice dating as you are. You put a lot of thought into planning your dates. That is good. You've had conversations with them before meeting them in real life. That is good and comforting. <br />
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The men need to pay attention to detail. How is Mahal dressed? Pay attention to her body language (DUH). Chivalry must extend past the front door. And hold the lady's chair to help her get seated, fercryinoutloud! A man's dressing for a date isn't that hard. <br />
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Mahal is a catch and there is a guy out there who can sweep her and her daughter off their feet. Please don't be discouraged. There is a man out there who can make you (plural) happy.

Monkey, so you want to live vicariously through me??? Actually I would prefer to do it through you. I bet it would be more interesting. Again, I'm not the dating queen but I was thinking I should post a story filled with a few reminders for guys dating. They were all very nice and treated me well. They all opened the door when we first arrived but then the chivalry disappeared or fell apart. The thing with online dating is that we had a lot of conversations via email and then phone before we went on that first date. So the first date should have been relatively easy since we have already started to get to know one another. The guys were more lively and personable online and on the phone than they were in real life. I'm the easiest and least intimidating person to be around with. I know I'm the same bubbly and flirty person online and in person too. I had a good friend read my ad. She wasn't too happy with it as she thought it didn't represent the fun and playful side of me. I told her that I didn't want to sound like Good Time Sally. When you're on the site, they tell you how many people view your profile and you can see who looked at it. I think I had a pretty good amount of responses. I didn't meet everyone that had sent me an email. I did respond to everyone that sent me an email. Didn't want to be rude. Anyways, if you like I can PM you my ad and see what you thought. I didn't even complete the whole questionaire and was pretty vague in the characteristics that I was looking for in a date. I don't know if I'm someone that would be good at online dating. If you lined up all the men that I've ever been with they are all completely different in looks and personalities. It's always about chemistry with me before looks or anything else. I meet someone and then boom...everything falls into place. The thing is in my real life, I'm always around kids with very little adult interaction. IF there is, they are colleagues or parents. <br />
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I think if you're going to wear shorts on a date, you should just wear casual slip on shoes no socks. That makes it easier if you're worried how long or short your white socks are.

MT...... these guys were very nice to me. I walked away feeling like they were just so happy to have a female companion and to be seen with one while socializing. But I almost felt that it wasn't really me that they were interested in, just a warm body. I had set up the second guy to make it easy for him to kiss me. Either he didn't notice I was helping him make a move or he simply didn't want to take it. He was the one that wanted to spend all kinds of money on me during dinner but I just really didn't think it was appropriate. Here's what my kid wants to know. If the guy is cute and if he can afford her. Those are her two requirements. I wasn't really looking for love doing this. I wanted to find friendship and companionship. These guys have their own houses and have been divorced for awhile. They are nesting and are looking for their wives. Not ready for that.

Dating really isn't that hard to do yet guys trip on the simplest things. Dress nicely and sorry white sneakers with mid calf socks looks more like by 5 year old than a 40 year old. <br />
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As for the second guy it might be a thing where he doesn't kiss on the first date, although that is really kind of high school as well, I mean you are freaking adults not raging hormone 16 year olds so why not kiss on the first date? <br />
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I think if I guy has learned to be courteous and knows what to do in a dating situations then it makes it so much easier for the lady to relax and enjoy being with him which is the whole point of the date. If they treated you like that that is probably why they got divorced in the first place cause their ex's got fed up with them.<br />
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Sorry you haven't gotten a better selection of guys to choose from but there are some good men out there and one will sweep you off and you won't know what hit you. (((HUGS))) <br />
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And I so agree with you to be alone than be miserable!!!<br />
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Get you daughter to screen them... LOL!!!! I can see a bare bulb and her with a bat standing there ready to interrogate them...

Why do you think I don't want to go on dates for awhile??? Being single is exhausting and overrated. :) I'd prefer to be alone than be in a miserable marriage any day though.

i love to kiss and get caressed by a lovely woman avinashnr2000@yahoo.com

meet at a sport's bar? that's not a date. that's drinking with the guys. where doth romance hide? best wishes.