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Here It Goes Again...

Just two weeks after a GREAT vacation to Mexico, my bf tells me this past Sunday that he wants to break things off - that he loves me, but doesn't think "enough" to marry me. I have no interest in "doing the holidays" anymore - contemplating taking the decorations down.
stlmo8 stlmo8 46-50, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2011

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I'm so sorry to hear about your break up and it is difficult to date again as we get older.

This is probably going to get me a lot of flak but it's my experience of dating after 40 so here goes...

The dating scene is difficult after about 35, the 'usual' bar/club scene is aimed at 18-30 and it's easy to feel alienated very quickly. Joining interest clubs gets you to meet a few dozen people that may share an interest with you, speed dating is an expensive exercise in futility as, again, you meet a dozen or so people (usually with questionable social skills). Dating sites. Dating sites can be expensive or free, the free sites have the biggest databases but attract a LOT of weird blokes who seem to join just to insult the women. The more expensive or paid for sites keep a lot of old profiles to make the site attractive but are generally no better than free sites. The beauty of dating sites is that you have the opportunity to 'meet' a lot of people from the comfort of your desktop.

Now the contentious part. When a woman is in her late teens and early twenties she has the (male) world at her feet and can summon most men with a click of her fingers. A man has to work hard to court the woman and prove himself worthy of her. A woman's dating currency is, to a large degree, based on her appearance and sexual attractiveness. A man's dating currency is generally based around status, personality and wealth (bear with me).


Melania Trump was asked 'what first attracted you to the billionaire Donald Trump?' She answered the underlying question that yes, she was attracted to the fact that he was rich but she then added that he was only with her because she was beautiful and that it was the currency of attraction.

This is an ancient biological programme that pairs healthy virile women able to cope with the rigours of childbirth to men who can protect her from other men, provide for her and her child and who will stick around to help raise their child. Men come into status, power and wealth later in life so their dating currency increases over time and probably peaks in the late thirties or early forties. Hence the frequent pairing of middle aged men and significantly younger women. Women that return to the dating scene after marriage or long relationships often expect that men will still be falling all over themselves at the click of a finger and it takes time to adjust to the new dating paradigm. Men increasingly become the prize in the dating world as the years go by and the crossover seems to be at about age 35 where men and women are roughly equally attractive to each other at that age. As time goes on the balance tips in the man's favour.

As I said, I know this will be contentious and uncomfortable reading for many women but I have found it to be true. As with all things, this is a generalisation and will only apply about 80% of the time. Some women will be incredibly attractive and remain desirable throughout their lives some women may become more attractive as they get older some men may decline.

All of the above is based on initial attraction and I'm not suggesting for a moment that it is a model for a relationship, "Beauty catches the eye but personality captures the heart". I mention this only to explain why things seem so different and difficult when it comes to dating for the over forties. There are still many men and women looking for their ideal partner and wondering where to look.

stlmo8, I'm really sorry that you were let down so cruelly by your boyfriend but perhaps it is better now than enduring a slowly dying relationship that drags on for years before expiring. Stay bright for the holidays, there's a world of opportunities, adventures and fresh experiences out here waiting for you and you now have the freedom to plunge headlong into all of it.

Merry Christmas. x

oh what a creep!

Since I am very late to your posting with regard to this break-up I hoped you spent time focusing on yourself. Do a little 'research' on the relationship(s) you've had and see if there is a pattern. Spend time focusing on you and what YOU want for your life and in your life as well and define the type of man you want to be with who would be a contribution to your happiness. Yes, do put yourself out there on those dating website - do some research on those more “mature” sights such as eHarmony and Match.com. Also research local single activity social groups where you get to meet new people and partake in various social gatherings (i.e. bowling, movies, the theatre, rock climbing, etc.). Never mind about the fact that you are over 40. Women of this age are deemed distinctive and need to walk with an air of confidence and self-assurance. Walk with your head held high, with a purpose and with a sense that you know WHO you are and WHAT you are made of. For a woman who walks with self-assurance and exudes confidence is deemed more attractive and will attract the right man to you. If you present nothing but low self-esteem, neediness and desperation, many will run from and the wrong man will come into your life. As for mister, I hope you found the strength to tell this man once and for all “GOODBYE” – for you do not need the emotional Yo-Yo experience with a man who is immature and insecure with himself. You need to keep the faith that you will find a man who loves you for you, who will cherish you and increase your “credit rating” and not deba<x>se-it. God bless.

I'm new at EP, but I've read a lot of stories where people meet here and find good matches. I wish you well.

Thanks for the good wishes. Though I have to say I've never met anyone from EP, and never intended my "trip" here to be used in that way - actually never thought of it in that way.

I am late coming to your thread. I am so sorry that happened to you. I don't presume to be knowledgeable enough to give advice, but I will say this: After all those years in the Army, I have seen hundreds of guys of every imaginable type and some guys are just **** heads. <br />
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In my humble opinion, you deserve much better, and it's probably for the best that it went the way it did. There are some amazing men out there, unfortunately they don't often make the 5 'oclock news so they mostly go unnoticed, but rest assured, they're out there. I hope you meet your "Mr. right for you" soon!<br />
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In the meantime, try to have as much fun as you can! Every day is an adventure and whether it's a good one or bad one just depends on what we do with it! Good luck!

The real question is then, I guess: where is "he" and how do I meet him? Lots of men my own age on dating sites plainly state they want someone younger, and I'm not interested in older men (I don't look my age). It seems like we ladies my age can't win!

amen and amen. I'm going to be 50 tomorrow and I look 35. guys my age fir the most part are greasy and gross. lol

well ...if you want to vent about his "problems" .....and you want me to keep your confidence.....send me a private message. <br />
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since i live in Portugal at present....I doubt we can ever talk about this over a cup of tea. <br />
<br />
C.

sure hope you things are going better for you these days

I wish I could tell you "yes." I met another nice, kind guy, but he and his business are far too busy for a committed relationship, his finances are a mess, and he has E.D. Kind of a fatal combination. We stopped dating last month; we started dating in early Feb. At least we parted on good terms.

gf.....i have a view that behaviour never lies. <br />
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if this man has not been married before, or has been and is divorced....then his behaviour is like a light flashing on the dashboard. <br />
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men ...by and large....are children in adult bodies. they don't know what they want. they don't appreciate what they get, and they are often unable to communicate what they are feeling. <br />
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go figure.

His problems are, let me say, outside the norm. I don't want to post them publicly.

I'm afraid I would have to agree with the line, "men ...by and large....are children in adult bodies. they don't know what they want." Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Now that you know our problem I hope you can fix us.

In my earlier days, the chemistry and passion which took over my brain when I met and "fell in love" with a woman, usually blind-sided me. I mistook passion for love. Now I know better, but it came at the cost of many broken hearts (mine, they healed eventually) and years of understanding. As we get older, the passion seems to wane. We don't get as passionate anymore, and don't fall in love so easily, and usually don't mistake the two. Maybe he is at that point where he loves you but (your words) is not In love with you. Proceed with caution.

He recently asked to take me on a "second first date." We'll see if he comes through on it. I don't know for certain why he got scared off. I know he hasn't done a lot of dating in his adult life, and the feelings may have scared him, as well as some of the relatively petty "complaints" he gave to me about us.

....and he "re-thought things," telling me he asked me "at a weak moment." He and his most recent gf must have split just before he asked, I'm betting.

i agree with prettyinpink the guy is a jerk, any man will try harder to satisfy a woman they care about. i have spent hours with my face burried between a womans legs just bringing her pleasure and usually not even expecting any reciprocation. as giving is so much more gratifying in a relationship if one truly cares. many You ought to look for a submissive or slave to serve You and thus be much more committed in Your pleasures and happiness.

That's a crap reason to leave...you have a hard time achieving and Ó'. Men like this drive me crazy...is that the only thing that matters to them?..whether or not you can get óff'????..that is only one tiny part of your relationship...perhaps it's his own inadequacies....hmmmm.....sex is enjoyable with or without.

There's nothing wrong with being over 40 and dating. :)

So you SAY. The rejection and being still-single gets harder each year.

I've been rejected for most of my adult life. Although, I'm married I have never felt (true) love. I think people should remain single. They tend to take care of themselves better.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That is sad that he didn't want to work with you. I know how you feel, my situation is a little different but right along the same line. We have been married for 36 years now and my hubby has a lot of health issues including diabetes. About 9 or 10 years ago he started having problems achieving an erection. So about 8 to 9 years ago they said he had ED. They tried everything for him, he used Viagra, didn't work. So he went to a specialist and they tried giving him a penis pump, it didn't work either. So it has now been over 8 years since sex has been possible for us. On that same note, he must have decided because he can't get an erection anymore, I don't need any kind of sexual release either. He will not kiss me, hold me or even touch me. There are so many ways he could help me and probably even enjoy himself yet he refuses. This is killing me slowly from the inside out. I have no self confidence or self esteem left. I would give anything to be happy again. So before you consider taking him back or being with anyone else for that matter, make sure he is willing to help with your needs no matter what it takes. If he is not willing to help you feel satisfied then he is not worth your time. There are so many guys out there that would love the opportunity to please you in sooooooo many ways. Don't waste your time and cause yourself unneeded heartache over someone who does not think about your needs. Best wishes and please stay strong!

Sadly, most of the men who have been ones who would "do anything it takes," were sorely lacking other areas, and so we weren't a match. At least for me, if this man would ever come around to understand how sexual PARTNERSHIP works, he has all the other qualities I've sought, and on top of that, I think he's a handsome fellow.

YOu want everything it seems darling. Lucky I happened by.

You think everything's going great and then suddenly he announces that he doesn't love you anymore. That kind of news must come like a punch in the gut. I don't blame you for not wanting to "do the holidays" anymore. After you've been kicked in the teeth like that, you aren't in the mood to socialize, decorate, and open presents. Holiday parties/events will no doubt be awkward. Everyone will likely ask, "Where's Bob ( or whatever his name is) ?" You don't want to get into all that at an event where you're supposed to be relaxing and having fun. There are a lot of gossipy, malicious people out there; news like this would be as juicy as a 12-oz. steak. Even with kind-hearted people, it would be just too much to explain ( not to mention humiliating ).<br />
Whatever his motivations for wanting to end the relationship, the way he treated you is really crummy. I never thought you were just after his money or trying to benefit off him financially. If that were the case, you wouldn't be feeling this hurt and betrayed. You would simply move on to some other "sugar daddy".<br />
It's depressing to invest so much in a relationship that ultimately is a dead end. I'm sure you've run the gamut of emotions: anger, hurt, guilt, confusion, betrayal, hating him but yet at the same time wanting him to come back. Whatever you decide, I hope you will be able to find a fulfilling relationship with a man who will treat you right. If he can't rise to that occasion, you may decide it's not worthwhile to invest any more time with this man. This type of stress and emotional roller coaster could really affect your psychological health.

Maybe it's that he loves me, but he's not IN LOVE with me. That's never easy to hear. But it COULD be that he has some deep-seeded issues that he has never revealed to me. UGH.

If I like you i might love you; if i love you I'll like you.

It is really sad he did not LOVE you really as he told you. If he LOVED you really he would not have left you. If he LOVED you he would have done all to please you. And it is really a bad time to leave you, did he want to hurt you most possible ?<br />
Nevertheless I wish you all the best

First off, he's not being truthful to you. You're better off without him. That excuse was BS. You're right about most men wanting to work it out. He's got something else going on. Try to just forget about him. I know it's tough; especially, if you guys have been together for a long time. Only time will heal you. Good luck :) You still got us to voice your concerns.

I'd already bought his birthday presents (next Monday) and all but one Christmas gift I'd planned. We were even supposed to go to the theater that day and I'd bought a new dress I was sure he'd like.<br />
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He is really confused. He says he loves me, but doesn't feel Passionate enough toward me in the bedroom.

I'm unemployed, so the "rainy day" has been more like a rainy year and a half. And for the other people who are reading, NO, I was not dating him to use or get his money; I'm not that sort of person.

you and i need to meet !

WHY?

LOL! "WHY?" was the perfect response.

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What a time to break it off! Well atleast you won't have to buy him a gift. Save your money. What was his excuse?

He's put off by me wanting to use lube and that I have difficulty acheiving ****** easily. Previously, he denied that was the reason for his attitude. I asked him why he didn't try to work on it with me, instead of just assuming it was a "fact" that couldn't be changed. Many, many men would want to work on it with their partner so she COULD have a better/easier time.

So basically he's a 3 minute lover. :(

my last girl friend had the same problems , and i figured out ways to get her off ,a nd we had to use lube , it realy made it better for both of us, i think he has other problems ,,,and you say you have difficulty acheiving ******, well she did to ,, i found ways to help her ,,we had a great time together,,i think you will find the right person and have the time of your life again and again,,,thank you for the corection ,,,and i dont know how i ended up putting it there any way

Finding your spots is what makes it fun. I know some already.

Heck use the whole jar. I would not balk.

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