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Confusing!

I am wondering if any of you have this issue. I am 43 and my divorce is almost final. I was married 10 years and disconnected for years from my abusive  (emotionally) husband. We split recently and quickly due to domestic violence. I started dating already. I have been ready even though we haven't been apart long I guess because I have had no feeling for him for about 8 years.I have been on an online site and have met some great people. Very good luck so far. I am also reading alot of books like the Manual and Why Men Love *******. Great books.First guy I met (after long chats, texts and phone calls) He was amazing. We got along great and had insatnt chemistry. Started to actually have a relationship. Never got to sex. After about 3 weeks he dumped me. saying he just wanted friends for now because he has to finalize his divorce even thought they been separetes 2 years.Anyway I got really attatched to him but continue to date. The problem I face is my neediness. My Dad left when i was 4 and had no  contact for 7 years. Came back and we talk still but have never had a great relationship. He is /was never there for me. So I suffer in my relationships by coming on to strong. I get scared of losing a person I like and get to be too pushy. I hate neediness in men, but i look desperate myself and I hate the feeling I have inside. I even know when and what I'm doing wrong but can't seem to stop. I hate it. Its like I'm mental. I just want to figure out why I so need a relationship to validate myself. It hurts to know how I cause these losses in my life and how I can't seem to stop.I know this is why I can't keep a good guy. I have days when I control my neediness and others I just screw up everything. Its like I can't just sit back and let him pursue. If I do he may leave like my dad did, so I have to stay right in thier face. A kiss of death I know.But I feel powerless. I am a cool person and not nutty. Only in this way. If anyone can help me plaese do. I am sick of getting stuck with jerks because I scare away the good guys. I don't want men to be the focus of my life but they always have been. I just want to stop this sabatoging behavior. Thanks.

chadanna chadanna 41-45, F 10 Responses Mar 5, 2010

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hello

I can see why this country is in trouble with our national debt ceiling issues among many other things. The so called mans world mentality....look where a political men are...either spending government money on their mistress, hookers, on-line ****, or cyber sexing or texting.

From what I read, it's much too soon for you to be dating. Have you gotten counseling? I highly recommend starting with this article:



http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Divorce_Recovery/divorce_recovery.html



Also, from my personal experience: (1) Don't date "separated" men, (2) Don't date men who haven't been divorced at least 6 months. If you do, you can't say you weren't warned an should expect epic failure.



"Neediness" and desparation - men can smell it a mile away, and they RUN. You need to get comfortable with yourself before you take another step forward socially. This may, again, suggest that counseling (not nessarily a psychologist or psychiatrist - could be an M.S.W.).

I would like to commend all the people here and let them know how wonderful you are. Trust is so important and a beautiful gift we give to others. That they are ignorant/weak/selfish to appreciate this wonderful gift given to them reduces them to something less then human.



Drug users

Old men chasing little girls

Those that live in lies



There is no doubt these are mentally sick people who can get help to cure their diseases, but made a conscience decision not to. In the end what they gave they shall receive...and we shall prevail......hugs!!

You made a wise decision regarding the guy with his drug issues. You don't need to figure out or save him from himself. He needs to do that on his own. You must look out for you and your kids and the life you build for them. They depend on your to protect them. Eventually we will get what we deserve...a quality man to share our lives with. First and foremost we must love ourselves for the special someone to love us .



Yes I have read the Manual. It is part of my relationship book library. Check out also You Tube: Rori Raye, Christian Carter, Bob and Lori Hollander, T.W. Jackson. These are individuals that touch on relationship issues. I listen to them all the time. I also have Rori Raye program "Modern Siren" which is very good.



I am working also to get a really good program from Anthony Robbins: Ultimate Edge

He is someone you definitely want to listen to. He is so awesome.

Omg! That sucks! I know how hard it is now o fin uality people. There are n"t many. Someone who has o chase little girls on My Space has issues and is NOT worth your time of day! That post is a long way behind me, however I can-t say its gotten better, lol! I have been involved with I thought was a great guy for about 6 months. I mean inside, at least after long years I guess his heart became good. I can verify all he say. However I was cleaning my house and stumbled upon a needle and he then told me he was a junkie who spent 16 yrs in prison. woo hoo! Another fine pick. He is very sweet and caring but I am not stupid any longer. I gave him the boot. Just what I need in my life and around my small kids, right? It figures the only guy I meet who actually treated me with respect was probably because there was a hidden agenda. I will read those books. I'm all about that. Also The MANual by Steve Santagatti is another good book! Maybe somewhere out there the are guys who will be hinest and treat us well., but I don't know. Right now I am realizing that I need to befriend myself first. Less of a headache!

CSEBROSKIT....MANY, MANY HURRAHS, KUDOS AND ACCOLADES to you for dumping the bum with a quickness. Hold your head up....keep befriending yourself....you did the right thing....YOU GO GIRL !!

I am 50 yrs old and been through alot of the things you outlined in your posting. Read lots of books like the one you stated. Also was in a recent relationship with a man 10 yrs my senior (at least I thought it was one) just to find out that he has been and is still chasing little girls on Myspace (this site is for trampy young girls).



If you met good people great. Let them continue to prove they are worth your time and attention.



Many I suggest you read Steve Harvey Book: Act like a lady think like a man (learn the 90 day rule) and Straight Talk No Chaser. I highly recommend these books to guide your dating practices.

I am 50 yrs old and been through alot of the things you outlined in your posting. Read lots of books like the one you stated. Also was in a recent relationship with a man 10 yrs my senior (at least I thought it was one) just to find out that he has been and is still chasing little girls on Myspace (this site is for trampy young girls).



If you met good people great. Let them continue to prove they are worth your time and attention.



Many I suggest you read Steve Harvey Book: Act like a lady think like a man (learn the 90 day rule) and Straight Talk No Chaser. I highly recommend these books to guide your dating practices.

Techno - Dump him and run away fast as you can...There seems to be an increase in old men going after young women these days....I think it is due to Viagara....and some of these horny old men have diseases and spread it out left and right.....Funny how the right wing, conservative - so called family values people - always have a problem with womens ability to choice abortion or not......but they have said NOTHing about Viagara and men going after younger women....HHHMMMM

Thank you guys for both of your input and kind words. I do see a therapist. Just when I'm in the midst of it I get panicky . It's like the way I'm wired or something. The fear of abandonment is soo ingrained.That is the only baggage I carry. I more than anything want to have a healthy relationship. I have no emotional baggage with my ex. I wasn't afraid of him being gone. I was relieved. Thats the way it goes with me. I spend time looking for the good in a bad for me guy. I think because I know it won't work than I can't get hurt so bad. But if the guy is good I sabatage it every single time with out fail. I know I'll care and be crushed when he does leave, its like as soon as a good thing starts I start looking for the end since I feel its inevitable.I think therapy has tremendously helped me by my being able to get to this point. I just can't get over this issue. I try telling myself that I'm good enough. My ex had me so far down I wanted to die everyday. Now thats over and I am so much stronger. Stronger than I have EVER been in my life. Why can't I just let things happen without having this fear? Any ideas? I have lost some great guys, and it kills me.

Well it's good that you know you are doing this, that is the first step! Realize that it's not your FAULT your father left, that is the second step. I think you really, sincerely need to come to terms with that. It's not your fault. Not everyone is like your dad, and a lot of men DO stick around. Third step is to realize that YOU are good enough. You are good enough, with or without a man. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more men will want to pursue you. Neediness comes off as insecurity, which it usually is deep down...I'm guessing yours stems from your father. Maybe talking to a therapist would help you regain your confidence and help you turn a new leaf in life. Just remember, it's NOT your fault, and YOU ARE good enough!! *hugs*