Fond Feelings

my sister and i were fellow soldiers in the war zone that was home. nights spent holding one another as our parents raged under the influence actually bred a bitter hatred between my sister and me. it was like we resented each other for bearing witness to the tragedies that made up our lives.

when we were very young, we were taught to fight for our mother's love. rivalry led to violence. my sister and i emotionally tore each other down and physically tore each other apart.

i remember she had written a poem and it was published in the local paper. my identity was so strongly allied with "writer," that i was insanely jealous. i mocked her poem and made some offhand remark that they would publish anyone. she steeled herself against my words, she toughened up, she wouldn't let anyone in.

i introduced my sister to drugs, in a way. actually, our parents first introduced us, but it was i who first facilitated her drug use. we were at a concert. my mom made me take her, and my sister was so happy to tag along with me and my friends.

we were in the mosh pit, waiting for the band to start, and this guy passed me a joint. i hit it, passed it on, and realized that my sister was going to get it next. she was 13.

we fought bitterly almost every day. our mother pit us against each other. everything in that home was chaos. our mother would bribe us to narc each other out. she gave us attention if we gave her information about the other. it was some of the only time she paid us attention, and we both gladly pushed the other under the bus to have time with our mother.

inside of me, the place where my love for my sister lived, was a raw and open wound for many years. i loved her viciously. i did nothing to show her this love. but, it existed and persisted.

once i moved out and went to college, our relationship completely changed. we allied as our parents' drinking and drugging and violence escalated. we took drugs together, laughed hysterically at ****, we cleaned up our mother's puke after she got home from the bar.

that time together was possibly the best times of my life. i have never loved anyone so purely and truly.

my sister is a mother now, and she lives with her family four hours away from me. we talk sometimes twice a day. when we are together, we joke around about the past. i once asked her, in seriousness, if she remembered sharing a bed when our parents would scream at each other, and she said she didn't remember. i think she just didn't want to talk about it.

i am utterly blessed to have my sister. i want to go back in time and tell her, "that was a ******* awesome poem! you should pursue this with all your passion. you have such greatness within you!"

telling her now makes it too late. but i do the best i can to make up for the relationship we could have had by making our current relationship loving and supportive like it should have always been.

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1 Response Mar 18, 2009

I'm just now beginning to see what it's like to having a loving relationship with my brother...<br />
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I know exactly what you mean about learning to sell each other out. My mom did the very same thing to us. She actually used to tell my brother that Dad loved me more than he love him. She then took him, abducting his closeness with his father, drawing a line between our family, turning her children into pawns to be used to manipulate her husband.<br />
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I reached out so many times before he finally broke free of the spell. He has been living with his wife for over a year now, and he is beginning to see just what was going on. <br />
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I think we both still mourn the loss of the time we could have spent getting to know each other. I still know very little about him.